cNutgroist

here's some of the most childish reference-book misuse i've ever had the pleasure to be part of. Blame be to The Friar, DJ Gyro Kredit and Rugeley


And what comes out?


a fridge doesnt fart when you put your....

must've been particularly amusing during episodes of Dallas...

you go there, stand underneath it, and get an instant spray-on...

be careful what you bump into when you're next in Bromley...

topical

should be twinned with that pub in Caerphilly

a bit niche i would have thought

and then some

and if you need a doctor after all that

just one letter away from being an outlet for male bisexuals

will shortly be going out of business, if benedict xvi has anything to do with it

ditto

double ditto

and quite right too. keep your children safe

how do people get these names?

worth a visit

not worth a visit

just silly

Where the venue IS the toilet.

Sometimes, cystitis can make you feel like this

Unfinished sentence

Desperation

DROP_IN????

for when they are bursting full

the mutton is better than the lamb at this place

off-putting

highly irresponsible

forget Halliburton, these guys have got an exclusive contract with the Pentagon

shouldnt they be turning the other cheek?

such a...

specify!

candlelight dinners for one a speciality

and when you cant get enough at home?

and when you want to get specific

getting the most out of your parkinson's?

i cant believe this one really exists! how can you pun on such a serious subject?

some kind of reproductive storage facility which possibly allows you to give facials?

i prefer to think of death when i do

a sperm whale?

another sperm bank?

such a day out for dungeons and dragons players

oxfordshire's premieeeer escort service

name = suspect, address = suspect, together they = gay sado

nazi cricketing thespian

he would be into playing games, wouldnt he

will they do a part exchange?

no explanation!

my brithday's coming up...

Doing this to your girlfriend is one thing - doing it to a clown is pure farce

All in one place

I'll have the house speciality please

They possibly don't do the upholstry

no happy meals served here

des o'connor goes into indescribable business

for a tricky and delicate piece of abbatoiring, go here

Err

My sentiments EXACTLY

poor 'arry

oh come on! how much for a good hard shag?

someone should look into this

enough to make your mouth water

all things?

well i shall take my business elsewhere then

no caption necessary

if you really need the money, send them your cv

Unlikely to get much business in america, except with pre-ops on a budget

Jorg and John F go kerb-crawling together

!

No Comment 1

No Comment 2

No Comment 3

No Comment 4

No Comment 5

No Comment 6

No Comment 7

No Comment 8

for all your gayer needs

oily

for all your wildest dreams

maybe best not to let your kids too near these

Latest headline

Have you any wool?

The one above, this and

this one, were in the Guardian, so these three are cheating...

I knew there was a place for them

Three of my favourites, in one dish

Someone give him some air!

Nope, he's still blue. Is there a doctor in the house?

I think we'd all like to receive a letter with one of these on it

Something you should always do when you're the boss

help me

I can't

stop

the kids think its shit

a natural progression from sperm banks?

rent one today

i've been there and i dont recommend it

niche

surely not!

specialist farmer in sausages

cream filling

why are you called that ?

online porn

for moving Big Logs

mine's already well groomed and tanned

how much for an eighth? oh

let's all take a trip there

let's hope they have good control of themselves

Revisit old role-playing battles

All your decorating and impaling needs

Pound of flesh for the weekend, Sir ?

i'll have the whole village and chips please

ok, here's my granny, now how much for a half 'n' half?

cock rock at its finest

the local Police Academy often get their sustenance here

sounds funny to me anyway

requires mispronunciation

i'll have the...oh

i'll have a proton of celery please -i'm on a diet

is it exclusively for them or excluding them?

i would love to...

for a really top quality bumwipe

glad to see they've gone legit

Czech the facts

and while you're at it, where is the evidence for this?

Popemobiles a speciality

when trees run out, they'll be ready

if you're planning on holidaying in Alabama this year

if mine was, i'd get it seen to right away

think there's a spelling mistake here

that's a personal opinion

and in answer to the original question, THIS is what comes out!
|

The Day I Ate Some Poo

Upon the land the air was still
Above it thus the sky was blue
And in no way a windy chill
A perfect day. I ate some poo

A world away the sun shone down
And glistened all the grassy dew
Beneath it there an earthy brown
I didn't care. I ate some poo

Amongst the shining, concrete streets
That I engaged in walking through
A butcher's shop, stuffed full of meats
I didn't stop. I ate some poo

The people of this blessed land
Walk to and fro and fro and to
Without a thought for what is planned
Their freedom bought. I ate some poo

But I alone saw through it all
And life was changed this day of Tue
When from my eyes the veil did fall
With some surprise. I ate some poo
|

Cellulite on my thumb
Cellulite on my thumb
Don't know what it's doing there
It should be on my bum

Cellulite on my hand
Cellulite on my hand
I've no idea what's causing this
Perhaps some dodgy gland?

Cellulite on my wrist
Cellulite on my wrist
There's got to be a reason though
Maybe that it's a cyst

Cellulite on my arm
Cellulite on my arm
Like water-wings they flap around
And cause me social harm

Cellulite on my neck
Cellulite on my neck
It's lesser-spotted than my arse
But still i see a speck

Cellulite on my face
Cellulite on my face
I'm pleased it's moving, really am
But still it's the wrong place

Cellulite on my chin
Cellulite on my chin
The Old Wife tells me "wash it off
by gargling terps and gin"

Cellulite on my tongue
Cellulite on my tongue
It better not go further in
Don't want it on my lung

Cellulite on my lips
Cellulite on my lips
It's creeping out, it's seeping out
Down towards my hips

Cellulite on my chest
Cellulite on my chest
Now i'm happy, finally
To grope a decent breast

Cellulite on my ribs
Cellulite on my ribs
You can tell by the way i use my walk
They're just like Maurice Gibb's

Cellulite on my bum
Cellulite on my bum
(As i think i said before)
It started on my thumb

Cellulite on my cock
Cellulite on my cock
It looks just like a barbecued
Tesco's Value Hock

Cellulite on my thighs
Cellulite on my thighs
My young love wants to chew it off
But I don't think that's wise

Cellulite on my heel
Cellulite on my heel
Hang on, that's not cellulite
It's just some grapefruit peel
|

who says there's a homosexual element to the Scouts?

I do

scroll down to the bottom and read the top paragraph starting "Cut a stick, or a piece of dead tree branch..."
|

And so, as another hemi-demi-month draws to a close and the tri-partite lato-quartio opens up enticingly before us, i am blogdumping (and that should be a word if it isnt already) a pile of useless correspondence between me, yon Friar and even yonder Rugeley on the subject of Il Papa. If you're not as obsessed with him as I am, and you're not, please come back next week where i'll be announcing details of my double sex-change and impending prosecution on a trumped up charge of trumpeting Donald Trump in Trumpton...

F: http://www.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30000-13321095,00.html

check out this list - surely this must be the greatest ever assembly of politicians, royals and religious leaders at a single event in living history?

N: highly bombable - is anyone taking bets on it?

R: wow.

what if it said at the bottom: Nadia from Big Brother.

N: full marks to China, the world's most populous nation, for not bothering to send anyone at all. Maybe everybody's busy?

interesting choice by Bangladesh - wonder if he's coming equipped with fishes and loaves?

Monaco can't be arsed either. You'd think they could spare a few members of Royal Family, it's not like they're up to much.

my hope is they do it by alphabetical order, placing Iran next to Ireland next to Israel and see if Bertie can stop a fight breaking out.

F: Other Attendees:

*
Marilyn Manson
*
50 Cent
*
Paul Daniels
*
Emu (still alive despite Rod Hull's demise)
*
Hulk Hogan
*
2 representatives from Deicide (it is a multi-faith event)
*
Vinnie Jones
*
Edward Eagle (formerly 'Eddie the')

N: those conspicuously not invited to attend include:

Mrs Pope and the kids, Warsaw
Dario Doge, no fixed abode but can usually be found on the Via Morphosa - the Pope's skag dealer
Mr and Mrs Runnybaum, Ye Temple of Doom, Godforsaken Avenue, Belchey - they'd swapped addresses with JPII after camping next door to him 6 years ago on their annual caravan trip in northern Belgium
Osama Bin Laden, Afghanistan - it was decided he'd only cause trouble so his invitation has been rescinded
Paris Hilton, New York - While not specifically invited, it was thought wise to publicly uninvite her for fear of her turning up anyway.
Queen Elizabeth the II, Windsor - Ma'am will watch the event at home on tv, silently, weeping for what might have been. The head of the Church of England and the head of the Catholic Church had a torrid love affair lasting 40 years which was only ended due to the personal intervention of Jesus, a mexican waiter who served them coffee and sarnies on a dirty weekend in Scarborough way back in the 19090's.



R: http://geocities.com/WorldwideChurchofSatan/

read the blurb, then look at the guy's name.

F: Ha ha! Do you think it is just as difficult to stick to the Satanic life as it is to be a good Christian? Do you have to go to confession for being good?

R: maybe they're having an Anti-Pope election as we speak.

N: there's a fair chance Cardinal Ratzinger might end up winning both

F: I thought Cardinal Gerald Ratner was the favourite

N: http://www.ratzingerfanclub.com/blog/index.html

F: Interesting - actually the word on the water-to-grapevine is that
Ratzinger faces an almighty battle with the progressive Cardinals, so it
will be interesting to see if he can attract a two-thirds majority.
There is a strong Italian progressive enclave within the conclave which
may prevail - but then you don't have to be progressive to be popular -
JPII was doctrinally conservative (Ratzinger was his 'Doctrinal
Enforcer'), although very progressive in his popular interaction.

If they haven't decided by Thursday it goes to penalties, at which time
you would have to fancy the German.



F: in the circle of morality, very holy is next to very evil, just like on the circle of style, where very fashionable is but a degree away from ridiculous.

N: and the circle of erotic compromise, where a desperate heterosexual is but an innocent walk on the pavement of bi-curious personal ads away from falling up a manhole

F: indeedily so - but now, the demi-circle of work has come half-loop to meet the arc of homeward leisure. and so, depart i to the car park, whence and thence to my car and a drive home of approximately 16 minutes.

anon to ye


F: it can't be satan's halo - when the dark angel fell from heaven he had to hand in his halo on the way down, like a cop hands in his badge when they throw him to the dogs at city hall. many people believe that st peter has satan's halo in storage, but that is not the case, because the gates of heaven were not guarded by st peter in pre-christian times, as he did not exist then. instead, the gates were guarded by noah's great great great great grandad, who was unfortunately killed in a fight with Bad King Senselessness in 279BC, at which time the halo was destroyed by vibrations from the Angel Gabriel's out-of-tune rendition of "I Did It Yahweh".
|

Truly a man of God, radiant with the Holy Spirit of Love for all mankind
|

He has consistently denied malicious rumours that he smooths down the pointiness of his ears
|

If you look carefully, you can just make out Satan's Crown of Fire atop his head. This is pure coincidence...
|

Whilst other spiritual men may suffer from stigmata or really quite biblical constipation, Cardinal Ratzinger is unique in that, sometimes when he gets very holy, he occasionally just lightly spontaneously combusts. Note the asbestos robes and yamulka
|

yes, God? Yes, i'm listening. Hmmm. Hmmmmmmmm.... No, I don't agree. I'm sorry but you're quite wrong
|

note the curious lack of reflection in the mirror
|

A warm congratulations to the new Pope, Cardinal Bessa...sorry, Ratzinger. In tribute, i'd like to offer a small selection of photos showing just how holy this man is...
|

two news stories i pray are not related...

Cardinals meet to choose new Pope

Berlusconi to step down
|

The pick of my holiday snaps. Yes, it's a trip down memory alley for all dogshit connoiseurs - the thought-to-be-extinct Old White Crumbly
|

Archbishop Alduit Sinsymegointdy-verizuhn of Cancer (3/1):
Seen as a good stop-gap candidate. Don't be surprised if he ends up Pope by the end of next week. Do be surprised if he carries on as Pope much beyond that.

The Dalai Lama (75/2):
The ultimate merger, as recommended by Price Waterhouse. Now's the time for consolidation in the religious market and at least celibacy will not be a problem for any of the priests. No more than usual, anyway.

Desert Orchid (16/3):
If the going's good, this two-time former National winner cannot be dismounted. A dream pairing with Italian-born Dettori, also a Catholic, would ensure victory

Friar Couscous (16/4)
A man of God and a god of a Man, there are few better men out there and even fewer who remain inside. Fluent in English and with 'A' grades in GCSE Maths and Science, he has all the right training for this. Also has never abused children except for himself when he was a child. So he can identify with both the abuser and the abused.


In the event of a tie, the two or more candidates with the most amount of votes have to write a 50-word essay called 'I should be Pope because...'
|

wasnt it Sal who prompted us all to think about Nominative Determinism?

why yes it was

here's my contribution to the debate

Professor and Radio DJ Carl Chinn
|

Incidentally, Greenland has a population density of 0.2 people per km2. That's about a leg's worth I'd say. So if you're trekking through the countryside and you see a leg just sitting quietly in a bit of frozen greenland, minding its own business, don't be alarmed. There'll be another one just about a kilometre over, in any direction.

This argument received no rebuttal from my beloved
|

Bangladesh has a population of 144,000,000 and a total land mass of 144,000 square kilometres. I say that means that if you were to divide the country into square metre plots of land, every man, woman and child in Bangladesh would have exactly one of their own.
The marriage module says that this would mean there would be no space in Bangladesh and people would be bumping into eachother all the time, so I have made a mathematical error. She has, however, provided no better explanation.

So...

a.Who's wrong?

and

b. How can I 'bamboozle her with science or whatever' that I'm right?
|

Crap Joke of the Day:

Q: What's the cheesiest name for a Gorgon?

A: Zola
|

[13:37] J1: can i do a Grand National rundown for the blog
[13:39] f3: of course you can.
[13:39] f3: when is it?
[13:39] J1: sat
[13:39] J1: it will be very silly mind
[13:39] f3: no shit!
[13:39] f3: when the royal wedding?
[13:39] J1: hehe
[13:39] J1: sat
[13:39] f3: errrr
[13:39] J1: two horse races for the price of one !
[13:39] f3: the queen mum's spirit must be torn, literally
[13:39] J1: yep
[13:39] f3: it's the only way she'll be able to attend both events
|

Just when I thought that we was making all these names up
|

The inside track, thanks to a certain head-shaven reclusive fatman who likes to introduce chipped potatoes to bubbling hot oil:

Arch-Statue Legwin Granytt (500/1) - Ultra-conservatives in the Vatican are said to be right behind Granytt, as they see in him a figure who will remain immoveable on important articles of Catholic doctrine. He would also be a logistical advantage in that, as a statue in St Peter's Square, he is impervious to illness and would always be present at Vatican Mass. Thought to be an outsider simply because of the unlikelihood of him undertaking any international travel, or even any physical movement whatsoever.

Deacon Joey Blue Peter (300/1) - Rose to fame in the early 80s when a British children's TV programme feature on an elderly disabled gentleman became his namesake. Also thought to be a good prospect for building bridges to the Jewish community, as his name might vaguely remind them of Rabbi Lionel Blue. Will not fly, and the Vatican is well aware of the problems this has caused Arsenal with Dennis Bergkamp's similar refusal - therefore, he remains an outsider.

Jimmy Carr (100/1) - Well, if your agent's that good...

Tony Hart (50/1) - Although a confirmed aetheist, Hart is thought to be one of the kindest men in the world.

Pope Jesus the Last (25/1) - Rumours abound in the Vatican that, in a bid to discredit Nostradamus once and for all, Jesus will return as the final Pope. This would disrupt predictions that there are two more remaining Popes before the return of Jesus, with Jesus now opting to be Pope himself then terminate the world on a date of his choosing. Would put to bed the phrase 'Vicar of Christ'.
|

Place your bets...

Cardinal Pope Pious XII (7/1):
Fortuitously named by his devout parents, he will argue over the next week that he was born for the job. Said to have kept every school report and examination he has ever taken, all of which have perfect scores, to prove his infallibility.


The Pope (8/1):
He's done a cracking job and knows his way around town. Cannot be ruled out, the smart money is hoping for a beneficent 'clerical error'.


Cardinal Bessarabia (12/1):
Could be Pope anytime he wanted such is his influence. Said to be hanging on for the top job, he has actually turned it down twice. Whispers suggest he wants to be the last Pope or not at all.


Cardinal Schmuel Gribbenes of Lvov (16/1):
A surprise choice but wily enough to warrant inclusion. A Rabbi for 50 years, man and boy, just 2 weeks ago he decided to 'cross the floor' over an obscure urinal matter that has divided him from the majority of Talmudic scholars. The Catholic Church have welcomed him with open arms and hope very much that he'll start believing in Jesus one day.


Cardinal d'Oom (18/1):
A Belgian Nobleman who converted to Catholicism at the age of 2, he has all the right credentials for the top job, including money, power and god's email address. He is also pro-Abortion, advocating it particularly for Evangelicals. Even retrospectively.


Cardinal d'Evil d'Hell (20/1):
For years this most dynamic of cardinals has been plagued by persistent rumours that he is, in fact, the very Devil himself. He admits with candour that his leathery red face, horns, tail, trident, sulphourous scent and complete lack of pity for the suffering of all mankind might spark a minor suspicion but he also maintains his innocence, citing his involvement in Italian Politics and the Television Industry as proof that he cannot be 'all bad'. A close friend and confidante of Cardinal Bessarabia, he is never seen without his familiar, Al-Paco Tjewit, Bishop of Mendez and professional goat.


Cardinal Ximenez Don Challeraz of Wexham (AKA The Walking Man) (40/1):
Little known and little but hugely influential in reviving the practice of the giving of alms, especially to the lame. In fact, he's been known to give whole men if the mood takes him. Has strong ties to the Japanese business community. Will probably remain an obscure joke for 4 or 5 individuals.


Cardinal Rugeley (50/1):
A man wholly without morals, he regularly has big-tit sex with his live-in maid and thinks it's funny to pre-empt Cardinal Nutgroist with a much funnier list of possible cardinals which makes this one seem fucking rubbish in comparison.
|

...from the Encyclobiblicus Divinicus 1938

Cardinal Bessarabia - (born 17??-

Currently holds the position of Grucifex Majordomo to the Papal Bastion
of Jerusigypt, in which he is responsible for the upkeep of the Keep of
Saint Sodomia and the Prigionus Daemonicus which lies within. Known
throughout the world as "God's Gaolor" he ensures the safety of the
world with his modern approach to torture of the inmates, the
overwhelming majority of whom are from the notoriously bellicose but
nevertheless sovereign state of Hell. Sealed his reputation with an
astonishing repudiation of the arguments by the Hellish Ambassador at
the League of Nations in June that the prisoners be repatriated and
given back their horns. One waits with interest to observe his undoubted
senior role in the coming World War II.
|

It's time once again to examine that shadowy master of ceremonies at the Papal Conclave, Cardinal Bessarabia with grateful thanks to that august scholar and septembrous liar, the most Friar Couscous, who assisted me in the unearthing of these severely soiled documentals:

From the 1996 edition of the Catholic Who's Who:

Bessarabia, Hexodotus Christobal Grapelli - Cardinal since 1970

Grand Master of the Jerusalem Lords of Midnight
Master of the Grand Order of the Knights of St Fancy
Arch Viscount of the Seminary League of the Holy Jesu

Born in Swabia in 1956 and Carpathia 1957 on a routine new year's eve
sleigh ride conducted by his father, Count Darkus Euthanasia on the
orders of his surgeon the acclaimed Dr Hendrik Maddd. Regarded as a
powerful and influential member of the Cathodic Gentry, his office in
the Palazzo di San Lucifex, on the corner of St Peter's and the Via dei
Bastardo is regarded as a semi-autonomous sovereign state and tax
haven....



Three communications have been received from the Cardinal in recent years:

-Cardinal Bessarabia formerly demands your spirit to be present at
sexadecimal Soul Sacrifice, Holy Wine and Cheese conclave he is holding
in the Giardano de Purgator at 6am on BlackFriars Day. Dress code:
Goblet and Hessian. No trainers.


-As his Major Under-Secretary and Keeper of the Flaminus, it is my duty
to inform you that Cardinal Bessarabia hates you and has set in train
the Sanctifex Machina and the 99 revolutions of speciality death with a
view to greasing its wheels with your bloody bollocks.


-molto grazie e spazie di tutti mi cuore, sangue, corpi e bollocri.
Cardinale Brutto conoscere tutti ti pensiere e c'e probabile vai kill
you man, kill you dead.


and tomorrow, we'll look at some of the runners and riders in the next papalchase. if i can be arsed.
|

If you're easily Catholic, you may want to look away now:

possibly overwritten in another newspaper column whilst waiting at Heathrow Airport, my own personal highway to hell

'it wouldnt be resepctful to start talking about a successor until he's been laid to rest, so here's a helpful list of suggestions for those little men in the velvet dresses might want to consider:

1. Isn't it about time we had a woman Pope? Who better to bring a touch of glamour and sexyness to a staid old institution than a strong, confident female from the right background. A strong role model for oppressed women around the world and something nice to look at for the lads, she'd be sure to boost church attendances round the world, especially at a slow time of year like this: we've just had a bad weather Easter and now we've lost a Pope, it's a wonder churches are even bothering to open at all.

2. John Paul III. Why not carry on the dynasty? It worked for the Roosevelts, John and Julian Lennon, George and George Bush. I'm sure the son is busy grieving at the moment for the man he was privileged to call Dad and he's probably nervous about filling the big boots of his beloved Father and Grandfather but goddamit, he was born to it, wasn't he?

3. Jake Shears from the Scissor Sisters. He's young, he's fresh, looks good in a variety of hats and clearly has a strong devotion to God. Just look at the lyrics to 'Take your Mama'. All the kids love him, I love him and so do all my sensitive male friends. Something inside tells me he's the one.

4. The Rev. Ian Paisley. Truly a man of God, he'd be my dream ticket. A total uniter, who better than to heal the rift between Catholics and the other lot? He'll be able to see things from both sides, he's a stunning orator and if for any reason it doesn't work out, well, he's an old man so, y'know....

5. My mate Dave. He's brilliant, he is. You should all meet Dave, he's just soooo great. Wicked sense of humour, knows his stuff and says all the right things. He'd be perfect.

6. An Italian. The Vatican's near Italy, right? Why not elect an Italian then? It'd sure make a change from bloody Poland getting all the glory and might help improve the stormy relations between the two states.

7. A Vaticanese. Why even look abroad when you can stay close to home? It's time to go traditional and choose someone born within the borders of the Holy See. There'd be so little red tape involved if he's already got the passport and knows his way around the town he might be able to get down to business on day one.

8. An aborted foetus. Symbolically, of course. I don't mean to suggest an aborted foetus could do the job of head of a religious institution and inspiriational world leader. That would be disrespectful at a time like this. But for all the little half-babies of the world who've had their lives cruelly snatched away (and been cruelly away from the snatches of their lives), here's a chance to make a point.'
|

If you're easily Catholic, you may want to look away now:

possibly overread in a British newspaper column whilst waiting at Heathrow Airport

'So, the big question is: was he murdered or was he pushed?
I can't believe the level of media silence on this issue. They're obviously part of the conspiracy, apart from this fearless newspaper. Let's look again at the facts:

A powerful man with a mystery illness suddenly dies of so-called heart failure?
His body not even cold in the ground and already those closest to him are planning a successor?
Come on John Paul II, this is the perfect opportunity to rise again. You hung on for Easter, now's the chance to get your name in the history books. Christ, even your title holds the promise of a sequel. So take up thy deathbed and walk...straight into my office and let me tell the world the real story

i might also point out that 2 million people going to pay their respects in the next week is nothing. Lady Die, our own Pope of Hearts, drew that many every hour when she copped it, also officially 'of natural causes', i might add. I smell the distinctual whiff of bullshit coming from somewhere.'
|

If you're easily Catholic, you may want to look away now:

possibly overheard at Heathrow Airport...

"These Catholics, they're so fickle. They get all weepy as soon as the Pope dies, fair enough, but give 'em a few weeks and they'll be cheering to high heaven for a new one. Classic rebound behaviour."
|