Tuesday, March 30, 2004

I can't be the only one to think Maxine Carr's face has been based on Bagpuss

The next time you're asked to explain in very simple terms why the Balkan countries just can't get on, use this:

Portsmouth Football Club's new Croatian signing has warned British girls they are wasting their time trying to chat him up.

Ivica Mornar says he is only willing to date girls from his home country.

The 29-year-old striker, who has been single since he divorced a year ago from a former Miss Croatia, said he had been swamped with female admirers in the UK, but was only interested in Croatians.

He said: "When I find someone else she has to be Croatian. I would never settle down with a foreigner. Different cultures could bring additional differences to understanding. I know that the love is the most important thing, but I've found in my first marriage that love is not the only thing."

Sentence of the week, contender for the decade: 'Derek always cleans his penis with a wet wipe. I was so embarrassed when you wiped yours on that tea towel.'


Monday, March 29, 2004

Wouldn't it be even better if George Michael could just say "What? Buggery? Oooh, don't think so. It hurts like Buggery"?

Beautiful, like the man says

Hey, man, it's like the war on drugs....On drugs!

Watched George Michael speak very eloquently about his life and this country on a french chat show last night. But it got me thinking though, when the host asked him all these questions about love and sex from the perspective of a gay man, i just wish for once someone gay would go on tv and when asked about their sex life would just say "It bloody hurts - I stick to blow jobs"


Sunday, March 28, 2004

I'm going to write something on the phenomenon of the "Shit Sandwich" later. Just giving you forewarning.

Shocked to see that there is no listing on Google for "The final act of human congress", the choicest phrase ever uttered by a high-ranking Nazi officer on a documentary I once watched describing how Hitler definitely didn't die a virgin but instead engaged in the aforementioned process with his beloved Eva Braun.

I'm also quite shocked that I should find myself searching for it on this hectic sunday morning. What exactly do I need to know?


Friday, March 26, 2004

Lo chiamavano Dave the Rave


Thursday, March 25, 2004

I have what I think is a very good idea for a new country. I don't want to give too much away yet so I probably won't explain in full until I've got it up and running. Or on Monday. Whichever happens sooner.

So John Kerry 'Looks French' does he?

Well, George Bush looks like a fucking gibbon

Found this on a site devoted to Mitch Mitchell:

I also read a strange story from a messageboard at richrock.com that there was a guy impersonating Jimi Hendrix during the 80s. He somehow got Mitch to play with him, and they did a few shows in Europe or something. Allegedly, they began playing "Manic Depression" on one of their shows, and everything was going fine until Mitch stopped entirely in the middle to tune one of his toms. They started over again, but Mitch did the same thing again, and again...

Deaf as a dodo


Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Challenged myself to write a very amusing blog entry this evening. Failed.


Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Congratulations to my small brown hairy friend (no, not my willy) for inadvertently giving me the best idea for a tv programme i've ever claimed as mine, which is:


It just writes itself, don't it?

Although we cant have children due to the tragedy of neither of us being born with any common sense whatsoever, i do worry that one day i may not be a fit father. So i'm just popping out for a jog.


Happy Chickenmas everybody! St Chicken bless you one and all!

I tell you what - I wish it really WAS manfat. I'd be a hell of a lot thinner.

Saddest sights I've ever seen NUMBER 1:

Three well-spoken, affluent couples in their later 20's keeping a pre-arranged meeting in the upstairs dining area of a Pret-A-Manger (Pret-A-Manger for god's sake!) in Birmingham on a sunday morning to laugh about life and love over good coffee and expensive snacks, which from the start betrayed their desperate yearnings each to be a character from Friends. As far as I could tell it was a regular occurrence and had all the spontaneity of industrial law

But this isn't it.

I've got GREAT idea for a blog entry


Monday, March 22, 2004

I've finally worked out what the theme of this blog is all about:-

Dead, preferably

The last verse and chorus of a Bon Jovi song, because there's nothing funnier than something unintentionally funny, right? We could all lit crit this dollop of dung til it begs us to kill it out of shame, but it's like, hey man, I just want to let the lyrics speak for themselves, y'know?

I walk these streets, a loaded six string on my back,
I play for keeps, 'cause I might not make it back.
I been everywhere, still I'm standing tall,
I've seen a million faces, and I've rocked them all.

I'm a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride,
I'm wanted, dead or alive,
I'm a cowboy, I got the night on my side,
I'm wanted, dead or alive,
Wanted, dead or alive.

Mono Logs and Hot Topicals, that's my job for tomorrow- no money, no credit nor debit mentioned, no parkyng on the clever lines but a harty attack flashback might sound cack. Mind, I asked for it.

That girl in the picture you just masturbated over. You know she's dead, don't you?

I wonder what it would be like to fuck an udder?


Sunday, March 21, 2004


So Belle du Jour might not be real after all? Millions of men and a handful of women around the world have been tossing themselves frothy over her words and it all turns out to be a big make-up? I'm not one to boast but I knew it was, always yah, and from the first have only been masturbating about the possibility of this very exposure of the truth. Now it's out I may well have reached a solo-sexual peak of thrashion and may have to move onto something a little more hardcore. Like that chaffinches bloke.

Hello to all my listeners in Skogland. As a special treat i'm going to get imperiously pished and record my every chock, grabble and spatch tomorrow night. I'll probably mix it up with a fuck and tonic, so get ready for danger.

WHAT?!?!? I've 'gone off the rails'? I'm 'not funny'? I 'never was'? And what do you get in return for this?

A kick in the cock if you're lucky.

And guess what?

You're double-lucky

So Belle du Jour is really not a prostitute pounding the bedsprings in old lady London? Very well done to whoever it really is, you must be so pleased with yourself. Because, well, er....?

Oh well, hot on the heels of that cock-throttling revelation, I'd like to firmly deny the rumours that could on day go round that I'm in actual fact a real comedian. Unless you're talking like a Noo Yoik cop, in which case, yup, that's right buddy, I do think i'm a real comedian. I'm also a wiseguy, a schmoe and a bigshot.

So in summary: Suddenly - life has no me-ee-ea-ning to me. Please suck my dick and don't forget to tip the glans on your way out.


Help me. I'm afraid of not dying

There's a bit of a bother with a little mother and the other

English people who think they're Australian. Just go.


Saturday, March 20, 2004

Wok and Roll, for those in the know

Completely meaningless to the rest of us


Friday, March 19, 2004

just another little chat some funny fellas once had, all in good humour and no offense to blacks and jews intended:

faraa3: Allllllllllllright
faraa3: how dyou spell this then?
ginsterlad74: Jah-Bul-On says hi
faraa3: ok
faraa3: meanwhile, here's a cool site for ya...
ginsterlad74: ??
faraa3: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/guides/guide-display/-/3 LPE6DJA5Z1VK/ref%3Dcm%5Fbg%5Fdp%5Fl%5F1/104-4 024542-6998321
ginsterlad74: very handy - do they do one about how to get an american wife while serving in the phillipino navy?
ginsterlad74: www.freemasonrywatch.org/jahbulon.html
faraa3: you've spotted a niche
faraa3: reading it right now
faraa3: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/cm/member-reviews/-/A 139H1FTGPR5SM/1/ref%3Dcm%5Fcr%5Fauth/104-4024542 -6998321
ginsterlad74: wasn't he in dollar?
ginsterlad74: or was that Gayvid Van Gay
faraa3: ask yourself
faraa3: do i look foolish or do they look foolish?
ginsterlad74: indeed - immortal words from the ever youthful demi-doge of shitpop
faraa3: Fucks Bizz
ginsterlad74: i wan to form a band called Pound Sterling
faraa3: you'll probably not find easy acceptance within europe
ginsterlad74: http://www.angelfire.com/va2/baali/hist.html - scary
faraa3: i'd like to form a band called Roughly 66, 67 p
ginsterlad74: Two Thirdz of Da Pound?
faraa3: Pou
ginsterlad74: !!
ginsterlad74: T'Pau in Yorkshire speak
faraa3: Don't push t'far yer dreams, love, thars got a nice piece of staffordshire in yon hands
ginsterlad74: T'Pau's lead singer has just married Cilla's son
faraa3: !!
ginsterlad74: Black 'n' Decker
faraa3: t'pau's lead singer has just married t'pau's lead singer
ginsterlad74: double decker?
faraa3: yup
ginsterlad74: nah - they've just split up
ginsterlad74: single decker
faraa3: single decker?
ginsterlad74: yesly
faraa3: im reading these pieces
ginsterlad74: learn them
faraa3: the first one seems like it a forgery
faraa3: an apologetic mason "telling it like it is"
faraa3: the second one is just complete gobbledeshit
ginsterlad74: that's their strategy these days
faraa3: well it's a celever strategy
ginsterlad74: i think the second one might be part of a wargamers site
faraa3: At the time that Caesar was assassinated, there was great unrest in the Nether Realm. Jah-Bul-On moved himself to Hell and mustered his forces.
faraa3: well it's not from the book of common prayer
ginsterlad74: true - tell me something i don't know
ginsterlad74: i did think Jah-Bul-On's 1994 collaboration with Brian Eno was pretty good though
faraa3: it's not from the Haynes manual for a 1989 Ford Escort xriii
ginsterlad74: it' from the Haynes manual from the Ford Evil 1.3 Injection
faraa3: the Mitsubishi Deathtrap 1.5
ginsterlad74: !!!
ginsterlad74: the Suzuki Maimwagon XL
faraa3: the Pontiac Executor 1.6 Lethal Injection
ginsterlad74: Toyota Decapivan 2.1 Turbo Evil
ginsterlad74: Hyundai Deathcamp 4x4 People Carrier
faraa3: !!
ginsterlad74: Mitsubishi Belle-Sun SE
faraa3: the Daewoo Soulcrush ghia
ginsterlad74: Dodge Bastinado 4.2 Cabrioslay
faraa3: the Saab Bastardy Turbo
ginsterlad74: Rover Archbishop of Loganberry 2.3 Diesel Superchalliss
faraa3: Corvette RingRape 9.3 Richterfuel
ginsterlad74: Fiat Mafia 1.6 Judgekiller
ginsterlad74: Renault Petain 2.2 Traitor
faraa3: the Peugeot Mitterand twin collaborateur
ginsterlad74: Volkswagen Fuhrer 2.6 Sui-Bunker
faraa3: the Lada Gulag 22.3
ginsterlad74: Lada Stalingrad 1.3 Siege Injection
ginsterlad74: Trabant 1.0 Defector KGB
faraa3: the Skoda Davies 1.5 Wank Fantasy
ginsterlad74: oo-eer
ginsterlad74: The Austin Empire 1.6 Amritsar
faraa3: nice one
faraa3: the Morris Dancer 19c Golden Age
ginsterlad74: !!!
ginsterlad74: the Wolseley 1.3 Break with Rome
faraa3: beauty!!!!!
faraa3: The Leyland Cramnerwagon with Hooperised rims and twin Latimers
ginsterlad74: !!
faraa3: the Ford Vauxhall
ginsterlad74: !!!
ginsterlad74: Seat Cardinal Ximenes 1.6 Inquisition
faraa3: the Mercedes Zyklon B Class
ginsterlad74: :-)
ginsterlad74: Volvo 2.6 Dancing Queen
ginsterlad74: BMW 2.8 HRE Holy Roman Empire
faraa3: the Jensen Interrupter 1.Interrupter
ginsterlad74: the Jensen Kid David 1.3 David Kid Jensen
faraa3: 8-)
ginsterlad74: the Morris Day 1.3 Sexiness on the Left-Hand Drive
faraa3: the Alfa Romeo Ferrari LaydeeWagon
ginsterlad74: the Alfa Romeo Juliet Bravo Police Car
ginsterlad74: Lamborghini 4.2 Luxury Sex Injection
faraa3: The Alfa Alfalfa Aleph Alf Al F
ginsterlad74: the Triumph 2.5 Roadrape
ginsterlad74: the Reliant Robin 1.0 Early Music
faraa3: the Triumph Nazi Alterna-Futur
faraa3: :-Pfor the Reliant
faraa3: the Dodge County Racist Niggerwagon
ginsterlad74: Mitsubishi Sir Alec Bridge on the River Pint of Guinness
ginsterlad74: !!!Dodge
ginsterlad74: the Buick Dixie 2.1 Coondragger
faraa3: !!
ginsterlad74: Jaguar 4.3 Bastard Boss Deluxe
faraa3: the General Motors Jim Crow Lyncher and Hoodwagon
ginsterlad74: got to go now my man - time for coughing guts up and pissing out of ass - i told you i was ill dammit
faraa3: k
faraa3: fanks
faraa3: take this link though
ginsterlad74: by the way - how are you finding your new manor?
faraa3: http://www.flaneur.org.uk/html/food/crisps4.html
faraa3: boring
faraa3: looking forward to ireland now
faraa3: assuming we go
ginsterlad74: definitely going?
faraa3: probababababably
ginsterlad74: by gorrah i hope you have the best of mcilblarney there
faraa3: i hear there's no niggers there
faraa3: that's my number one reason for going
faraa3: and ive always wanted to fuck a nun
ginsterlad74: there is - i walked into a black bar in dublin and it was like in a film - everyone stopped and looked at me! right gotta go! byeee
faraa3: but there are 'nun to fuck' round here
faraa3: by
ginsterlad74: seeya
faraa3: no
ginsterlad74 signed off at 21:38:04

Insomaniacal. What excellent music from a genuine sleepophobiac. Tunes that only come at 3am when you're staring into the mirror and wondering why. It's forgetting music and it's painful in the way that Syd Barrett or late Nick Drake can be. The misplaced reality of taking drugs a lot hurts me but i like what i hear when someone else uses it for something good. I'll post some up here if blogger ever decide to sell me the space.

down and doubt

Mr brother tells me that when I was a kid I used to refer to gypsies as "Land Pirates". If it wasn't for the fact that everyone hates them so much these days I still would. But they've got enough shit to deal with just being dirty pikers - shit it, even I can't help it. For fuck's sake. Do a good deed for the day and don't hate them anymore, ok?

I've had a change of heart and decided to put pictures up on this blog. Because if there's one thing the internet doesn't have enough of it's nudity. So to redress the balance I'm going to put up all the pictures of me gopping, frugging and doing the fandango so you can all see what a sexy bitch I am. All I need now is to work out how to do it. So don't hold your breath. Unless you're reading this underwater.

good god i've just found a stash of photos taken a few years back in a naive, drunken episode - why did Boots even develop them? Amazing. Anyway, hell hath no fury like a woman porned so I shan't be publishing them. If you want to see 'em you'll just have to break into my house and find them. They're in a box under my bed marked "My Wife Naked Pictures".

Social Misfit writes "People change. Even though we may perceive ourselves immune to change, it is something we can’t fight. Change is like Robocop. Dead or alive you are coming with me".


Wrote this fake puff-piece a long time ago for someone. Just found it whilst laundering my life. They didn't use it, so I will:

Kill your abusive step-dad to see this play.

Unparalleled lines in Nutgroist's stage adaption of "Crossroads", in which he plays all parts, including the motel.

Do not pass Go. Do not collect £200. Go directly to "Jail", the new one-man show from Slough's other Nutgroist, Nutgroist.

Suddenly, life has new meaning to me because I've just seen Nutgroist star in the non-musical stage play "The Lionel Ritchie Story". So entranced was the audience, halfway through the show, on at the Brick House Repertory Theatre, three times a lady shouted out "I love you" during one of Nutgroist's stirring monologues.

Shit your pants to see Nutgroist in his new one man show "In Cities, In Countries, In Continents"

Smoke a million fags, get terminal cancer, ring Dr Kevorkian and take him to see Nutgroist's new routine, it'll slay ya!

He had me rolling in the aisles - Howard "Drugs" Marks

He had me rolling in the Isles - Mick "The Rolling Stones" Jagger

Men of England - Cut your wife's cock off and take her immediately to see Nutgroist in his new "one-man or is he?" stage adaption of Germaine Greer's classic Victorian potboiler "The Female Eunuch"

"Fucking Rock" - Mary Whitehouse

Cut your legs off above the knee, steal a spitfire and divebomb the Theate Royal to get in to see Nutgroist's new sold-out "The Douglas Bader Revue Show"

Change your sexual orientation for a laugh, retain disgust at homosexuals, then head down to Nutgroist's new good old british up-the-arse knockabout pounding "Gay Pride and Prejudice"

Live a life of unparalleled misery, sensorial isolation, total darkness and absolute silence to see Nutgroist in his new all-singing, all-dancing musical "When Joey met Helen", daily at the Deacon Keller, London.

The dance spectacular of the Mesozoic era - Nutgroist dances in perfect harmony to the arresting rhythms and mournful melodies of John Cage's famous "4:33"

Redress your deepest moral beliefs as you watch Nutgroist take you through his devastatingly honest and bladder-bustingly funny past as a professional rapist for Idi Amin's military junta.

Take a sharp, sterilised kitchen knife and split yourself open ayt the sides, then get yourself down to the Donmar and relax as you watch Nutgroist inflict identical surgery on an audience using only his rapier jokes.

I'd like to apologise to you


Wednesday, March 17, 2004

And horny as the Pope

I'm as empty as a nun's balls

All the worst things in my life have happened to me in toilets.


Tuesday, March 16, 2004

"Hey, anyone in here tonight from Tikrit? Hey, that's MY hometown"

- that's how Saddam Hussein should start his stand-up routine

And damn, girl, i was good

Last night I dreamt I fucked you


Monday, March 15, 2004

Some specious self-help books I didn't buy this weekend. I invite you to emulate me:

Life: Style it or Lose it
Life is Love - the Lovelife Lifestyle for Loving Life and Living Love
The Power of Positive Thinking and the Anti-Power of Negative Thinking
The Neutrality of Not Thinking
Don't Even Think It
Or Your Money Back
Thoughts, Thinks and Thinklets
Drastic Thinking for Beginners
Successful Living through Dribble and Drool: Embracing your Inner Spastic
How to win the Human Race
Piss! Fuck! Bugger!: Swear your way to the top (of the cunting pile)
Corporate Climbing the Fast Way: A Lover's Guide

and my personal favourite,

Pull Your Bloody Finger Out and Just Do Some Work

Anybody want a sip of my Hebrew homebrew?


Sunday, March 14, 2004

David Furnish? Now he is gay.

But Elton John bumming him up the arse is just pure publicity.

Any fool can see that.

Elton John gay? How do you explain this then?

If you suddenly awoke tomorrow to find your fat fleshy fingers had become fully-functional chocolate fingers, like the Cadbury's ones, how long would it take you to give in to temptation and scoff them? What about if they were sponge fingers? What about if they were lovely sausages?

Think about it and you may understand the kind of day I've just had


Saturday, March 13, 2004

Germans - the nearly men of World War


Friday, March 12, 2004

I miss 70's devil-fear. The devil has really dropped out of public life throughout Western Europe in the last 20 or so years. Who doesn't remember, as a kid, tales of the local Satanist? I blame the decline of the british, italian and especially spanish film industries which did so much to engender a quiet respect for the Goat of Mendes, the very Devil himself. I also blame americans for being pricks. I also blame the Goat of Mendes, the very Devil himself for some absolutely useless PR campaigns and essentially giving up in the face of human indifference


Thursday, March 11, 2004

My tribute to Trannie Lennox:

Wet dreams are made of these
Pillows stained in old cream cheese
Empty balls sagging to my knees
No-o-body's licking my something

Nobody wants to use me
Nobody wants to get used by me
Nobody wants to abuse me
But I'd pay good money to be abused

A long time ago this list appeared in a terrible film nobody saw. It was a list of music-hall performers and I just found it amongst my papers. It's not that funny which meant it worked perfectly in the context of the film

Ethel Mermaid
The Erotic Sounds of Ravi Shanklin
"Fat" Heidi Tosca the Diva from Geneva
Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Park
Basil Parsley and Rosemary Sage - the Four Seasonings - perform The Life and Thymes of Catherine of Tarragon
Steve Sleazy and his Cheezy Weezy
The Jimi Bendix Experience
The Bootleg George Formby
Brad Wurst - Bavaria's Funniest Sausage
Clive Old's Tales of Yore
Phil Hairy roasts himself
Bernie Schnorbitz
Fred "Not Fucks" Fuchs
Germaine Question
"Evil" Otto Duckcakes
"Good" Otto Duckcakes
"Indifferent" Otto Duckcakes
Tony Spunksplatter and his Bubbling Hot Pollocks
Bill Chewy - Train Impersonator
Steve and Eve Cleves
Pius XII, the Other Pope
Chick Swithdix - You won't believe your eyes
Kevin Blacklist and the Hard-To Credit Dancers
Big Daddy Jambon
Blind Lemon Pie
Herman Nailbomb's Bag of Tricks
Bruce Hoover the Human Anteater
Umberto Filigree's Rampant Coccyx
Don Pagan and the Sacrificial Lamb Foxtrotters
Dave Doggerel - Feral Child
Albert Eisenstein - the nearly man
Smoke without Fire
Max Legroom
Winnie Tonka-Bago
Spit Honey's Modern Jazz Dodecaheptet


Imagine your parents and your partner's parents all living together. Imagine them trying to sustain their relationships, share money and give eachother support, relaxing and making love, maintaining privacy and engendering friendship. It's not very likely is it?

You shouldn't be surprised then if you two have some difficulties along the way.

I'm obviously not looking in the right place because I cannot, for the love of god, cannot find any live-action mixed with cartoon porn. I want to see full-grown men viciously fucking completely hand-drawn cartoon women. Is that so fucking unreasonable? I've got a frigging huge straining purple cock in my hands and a full set of balls and absolutely nothing else on my mind but real live men fucking artists' impressions of women up their dirty cartoon arses. And then I want to find real live sexy bitches fucking big-cocked muscle-rippling animated he-men. And yet, and yet there's just nothing out there. Not for the first time, I feel like I've been let down by the so-called Internet.


Tuesday, March 09, 2004

Here's a thorny little issue for you:

If I don't believe in god but nevertheless pray for US Attorney General John Ashcroft's death from gall bladder problems, am I acting immorally?

I am a Haiku
But do not feature nature
So not true Haiku

I died in the 1990's. Things have certainly moved on since then. I thought I'd been killed by state-of-the-art technology but that's nothing to how some people get killed these days. I thought i was so modern but I shouldn't feel embarassed. It's the way these things work out. I can see that with the benefit of hindsight. Still. No-one remembers me.


Sunday, March 07, 2004

Big Kipper's Flippers


Friday, March 05, 2004

I love the new referral I just found in my stats. Someone in Ireland googled "That picture of Christina Aguilera with Dirty written on her arse" and my site came in fifth!
There's something so charming and innocent about that, filthy as it may be. I'd love to say what it reveals about the Irish character but I haven't got a clue. I might have in a few weeks though.

It seems I'm not the only one. Congratulations to the people behind this for getting off their arse and doing something. Now get off yours and do it too.

So Lovely Lady Di's legendary 'lost tapes' are out at last and getting great reviews. There's some real surprises on there, a lot more melancholia and downbeat stuff than any of her earlier releases. It's weird hearing her voice again, all ghostly and beyond the grave. I wonder if she knew? There's certainly some allusions in the lyrics to an early death and all that. I'm going to order the special edition off of Amazon because it's got a hidden 'silence' track on it. But the question most of her fans really want to know the answer to is will they ever get round to releasing the concert film on DVD?

John Ashcroft's been hospitalized with gallstones or something. Let's pass a law against gall stone removal on the basis that it's not in the bible and anyway, gallstones are god's children too.

Why don't they just follow the dutch model and decriminalise war? Keep it illegal by all means. But should people face such harsh penalties for being caught with a few grams of war?

I have an idea. A Sushi Gun.

You load fish fillets into one chamber, rice into another and seaweed foil into another then press the trigger.

There you go. A Sushi Gun.

Advice to anyone considering drinking a pint of rum last night:

1. Inform the people you live with
2. Wear old clothes you wouldn't miss much
3. Choose a time other than midnight on a work day
4. Eat sensibly and drink plenty of water before hand.
5. Not crisps and whiskey
6. Try to avoid DJ Casper's Cha-Cha Slide
7. Hang on to your dreams

Some of the searches that have led people here:

Lesbian Cheese
John Kerry Satanist
The Maid With the Velvet Arse
Nude Photos of Me

nobody seems to be interested in my poetry. oh well, no one understands me. i might as well fail my a-levels and killed myself as planned.


Thursday, March 04, 2004

I gave her fun in the bum last night, oh yes.

I heard a nice old lady on the radio this morning explaining how she started up a new charitable foundation to keep her busy through retirement. Nothing extraordinary in that. Except for the fact that the foundation is for children born WITHOUT EYES. You may well ask yourself if that's a topic you want to be mulling over whilst browsing the web. For me personally, I think the answer is no. I find it horrific. It's also way beyond explanation for me - it's just a gut feeling of utter revulsion at the mere concept of it. There's so few things you don't get a second chance at in life, and losing bits of your body is among them. Everytime you forget you're human, something comes round and pokes you hard in the brain to remind you. I'm no machine. The more systematised the world gets, the more I forget.

Anyway, the question is this: If you've got no eyes - what do you see?

I've yet to see a ball-gag which has a hole in the middle of the ball to shove a fat cock through. Either these things don't exist yet or I'm leading a very sheltered life.

Mine's the American Civil War. It had everything, really. Guns, fighting, death, destruction. Some wicked set pieces and a sliver of racism running right through. It's influence cannot be unestimated. True it wasn't as revolutionary as the Revolutionary War, but it sure rocked my world. So, like, hey, what's YOUR favourite war?

Straw poll: What's your all-time favourite war?


Wednesday, March 03, 2004

I'll tell you what I love about Grace Jones. I love her intense, sinister beauty. Exotic is not a word I use because it somehow demeans and distances the subject. But there is something quite extraordinarily different about her looks. And she clearly has one of the finest bodies ever to be publically displayed without shame. She's more comfortable with herself than anyone else I can think of. I love the way she sings. She delivers a song completely unlike other singers, and she's made quite radical transformations of otherwise regular sounding standards. She simply doesn't have the approach most musicians have to their music. She can swing and sing funk without ever sounding contrived. I love her brazen sexiness and overbearing sense of delight and scandal at the world. She's one of the last true icons. But most of all I love the fact that for the whole of the early 80's, every man in France wanted to fuck her. Imagine that! Every Frenchman has you at the top of his list and there's so little he can do about it because it's not up to him. She epitomised French a la mode fuckabilite in the 80's and I fucking love her for it. Please, place your hand upon your fuckstick or your lovecunt and come, celebrate with me the power, the flower, the shower, the story, the glory and the gory that is Grace Jones

It seems there's a few ficts milling around masquerading as faction, so to set the record straight, I'm going to, er, put the record straight.

1. Despite my best efforts to remain otherwise, I am not a virgin.

2. I have never interfered with children except for when they get on my nerves.

3. I am of sound body.

4. My favourite rain is 'drizzle'. My least favourite rain is 'spitting'

5. I have chest pains but it's nothing to worry about.

6. I have 20! 20! Vi-shuuuuun (please sing this one)

7. I am NOT the god of hellfire and I do NOT bring you fire

8. I never said I wanted to set off a nuclear bomb up George Bulsh's arse just to get US government traffic to this blog.

9. I said Nucular. Totally different.

10. I have danced with a man. And I enjoyed it but in a different way to with a woman.

11. Vacuum-sealed bags of Matteson's Black Man's Willies do not haunt me in my dreams. Anymore.

12. I do this for the self-esteem.

13. There's no grand plan. Except a publishing deal.

Feeling cunty


Tuesday, March 02, 2004

The phrase "Tesco's Value Self-Esteem" keeps ringing round my head like an annoying Kylie tune but I've no use for it so I'm putting it out here and hoping it wont find its way home.

World - AP Latin America
Duvalier Says He Wants to Return to Haiti
Tue Mar 2,12:28 PM ET

MIAMI - Exiled Haitian dictator Jean-Claude "Baby Doc" Duvalier told a television reporter he wants to return to his homeland now that President Jean-Bertrand Aristide has fled. - I'm sure you're just what's needed

"This is my country," Duvalier told WFOR-CBS4 on Monday in an interview in Paris. "I'm ready to put myself at the disposal of the Haitian people." - Rather than simply ready to dispose of the Haitian people like you did the last time

But Duvalier said he doesn't plan to run for president. - Why bother? You didn't last time. You were proclaimed President for Life on your 18th Birthday

"That is not on my agenda," Duvalier said through a translator. - Nor is it on Haiti's

The deposed dictator said he requested a diplomatic passport several weeks ago and is in constant contact with people in Haiti. - Sticking pins in Aristide dolls doesn't count as 'constant contact'

"I think I'm getting close and that I will soon have the opportunity to go back to my country," he said. - Good luck, pal. I'm sure there's a few people who would love to see you walk through their neighbourhood again

In other news, Adolph Hitler the deposed leader of Nazi Germany and 115 next month, speaking from his house in Paraguay said in an interview today he's eyeing a return to German politics since the country announced elections last month. - Alright I made that bit up. Did you guess?

Hmm, political satire isnt the strongest card in my deck. Got to make a living somehow though.

Disappointingly not what I thought it would be

So Lord of the Rings: Return of the King got the Best Picture award at the Oscars. Some say it's well deserved. some say that Peter Jackson was awarded not so much for the film as for the achievement of all three films. Nothing to do with the 2.5 BILLION dollars grossed worldwide so far by the trilogy. Nor the predicted 1.2 BILLION from final dvd sales and merchandising. Nope. Nothing at all.

Squeee-boop. Skoodly-doodly-doodly beee-bap. Shap-a-dap-dap-a-skee-boo-dee-doo. Skweeeeeedup! Skweeeeedup! Kakadaboo-OO-oo. Bop-shugga-shugga-shugga. Ulllulllulllullull-ga-ga-ga-bi-dong.

And that's Jazz


Monday, March 01, 2004

Hey I just got back from Gingell City. Crazy guys out there and a lot of nice bars. Took the N-Way down the pike at the border and crossed through the Dysantine Corridor

Fuck it, just send me the money and I'll make it up. No-one's going to know. But do send me the money.

Come on, let's arrange a parallel US election. The whole world gets to take part except for US citizens. We'll all have a vote and, although it won't change anything, it would be interesting to see what the result would be. Then send it to the Whitehouse and the US News Media and see what they don't say. We could do a country by country vote and then add the total at the end. I suppose a salted peanut would beat George W Bulsh in many countries, but I wonder what such huge voting blocs as India and China would do? Someone, anyone, please give me the money and I'll set this thing up. It'd be simple enough:- Before the US Election, we send a ballot box in every post office in the world and e-mail a voting form template for printing out. Then give everybody a few weeks to vote and they can send the boxes back or count the ballots there and email me the results. Who cares about a bit of multiple-voting - it doesn't count, the scale of the vote is too enormous for it to significantly alter the result and who, unless they've actually got something riding on this, would take the trouble to try and corrupt the vote?

faraa3: look at the name of this guy....
faraa3: Early yesterday, Josuel Galdino, 25, hit Fitsum Gebreegziabher, 27, of Woodbridge along I-95 after Gebreegziabher, who had been driving south, apparently stopped and got out of his Toyota Camry after getting a flat tire, according to a police account.
JJJJY01: wwydi it said, 'Gebreegziabher, a father of two and 274 in Scrabble, was driving south.....'
faraa3: !
JJJJY01: see any of the Oscars ?
faraa3: some
faraa3: bill murray's acceptance speech was hilarious
JJJJY01: for what ?
JJJJY01: for the film he didnt win for ?
faraa3: best actor
faraa3: oh
faraa3: maybe i didnt see the oscars
JJJJY01: you just made that up
JJJJY01: Sean Penn won
faraa3: fair enough
faraa3: sean penn was the best film of the year
JJJJY01: he won best Supporting Actress
faraa3: Lord of the rings won best original screenplay
JJJJY01: haha
faraa3: lost in translation wouldve won best foreign film but they couldnt work out what the actors were saying
JJJJY01: Peter Jackson won Best Fat Director
JJJJY01: Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson presented a couple of awards dressed as Starsky and Hutch
faraa3: how do you dress an award as a cop show?
JJJJY01: nice
faraa3: thank you thank you very much thank you VERY MUCH thank you no really thank you
faraa3: biugger
JJJJY01: bleeuuurghhhhhh
faraa3: did you win any best oscars?
JJJJY01: yeah, best beard on a non-supporting role
faraa3: i bet penelope cruz was gutted
faraa3: EH! EH!
JJJJY01: my lunch won best supporting roll
faraa3: surely your second chin wouldve got that one in the bag
JJJJY01: oi
JJJJY01: you can talk
JJJJY01: a lot
faraa3: well i would but the orchestra's justr started playing so i think my time is up
JJJJY01: your stomach won a lifetime achievement award
faraa3: i'd like to thank the original designer of oscar for giving me something to shove up my wife when my nob gets a bit wilty
JJJJY01: !
faraa3: wwydi the central wooden frame in your parents dining room won best supporting beam?
JJJJY01: Most Unnecessary Supporting Beam
JJJJY01: you and your missus fucking won best live action SHORT
faraa3: that joke just won least animated performance
faraa3: and this conversation just won least original screenplay
JJJJY01: so far today, it's early yet
JJJJY01: Disney's violent X-Rated feature-length cartoon won an Oscar
JJJJY01: Finding Remo: Unarmed and Dangerous
faraa3: finned and dangerous
faraa3: oh no sorry that renny harlin's last film
JJJJY01: about sharks who play chess
JJJJY01: Deep Blue Sea
faraa3: about pirates who suck off chess pieces
JJJJY01: Pissers of Eight
faraa3: while whistleblowing on richard nixon
faraa3: Deep Throat Island
JJJJY01: now that would have been a box-office success
faraa3: whgich would make a change for renny harlin
JJJJY01: i wonder what happened to his wife ?
JJJJY01: Renata Harlin
faraa3: !
faraa3: i wonder if his fish ever get indigestion?
faraa3: Rennie Marlin
JJJJY01: damn, i was going to do that
JJJJY01: wwydi his parents were alcoholics AND dyslexic, and originally wanted to name him Remi Martin but got it wrong ?
faraa3: and called him Courvoisier instead?
JJJJY01: which is Finnish for er, Renny Harlin
faraa3: somewhere there's a director called Don Perrynon with the same problem
faraa3: and Bud Wieser
faraa3: you know i watched fox news earlier and they were asking an 'expert' about Haiti
faraa3: and he said 'well, one problem of course is that the island is riddled with voodoo'
JJJJY01: oh yeah
JJJJY01: haha
JJJJY01: like smallpox or something
faraa3: and that's going to be a problem for US troops, apparently
faraa3: i think he got most of his information from Live and Let Die
JJJJY01: do they think it's run by Baron Samedi ?
faraa3: it isnt?
JJJJY01: well, only in spirit form
faraa3: thing is, it'd be like a haitian news pundit saying 'oh yes, well, of course America is riddled with Christianity'
JJJJY01: no, riddled with FUNDAMENTALIST Christianity
faraa3: yeah, the fox guy didnt mention that haiti has actually quite a liberal brand of voodoo
JJJJY01: wwydi there were reports that US troops had met huge resistance from speedboats and alligators ?
faraa3: there's very little forced zombiefication these days
faraa3: we leave it up to the individual to decide
JJJJY01: before, killing chickens and wearing silly hats was just for Sundays, but now.....
faraa3: yes, abig deal is made out of feathers left on bed's but really, that's what happens when you fluff your pillows regularly
JJJJY01: wwydi they invaded the island and found the lair of the rebel leader. He was wearing an old England shirt and sporting a dodgy mullet. then the americans realised they'd invaded Mark Hately by mistake
faraa3: wwydi they invaded the island and found the lair of the rebel leader, and he was wearing a top hat and sitting upright at a nice table drinking out of a nice china tea service. then the americans realised they'd invaded High Tea by mistake

a quite wonderful article i found quite by chance, my antisemitic radar malfunctioning yet again

Anal sex. It's putting a dick in shit. Who'd have guessed it's so goddam great?

oh i'm a poor girl sitting here in tears at gare du nord. i let a frenchman trick me into following him to france when all i wanted was acceptance. i've been humiliated and i'm not going to recover easily. this would be so romantic if it was someone else, maybe in a song. that's it. i'll write a song about it, trudging throught the streets of paris, that exotic city of love and mystery. and i can make myself the real heroine of the story and Jacques can be the fucking bastard he is. i'll be the wise, decisive one and he can be the poor little puppy begging for attention.


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