Monday, August 29, 2005

it must have happened....

Arent you the Bastard who played first-class cricket for Cambridge?

-No, i'm the Bastard who played first-class cricket for Oxford

We've been thinking of having a child recently. Or rather, she's been thinking of having one and I've been thinking of making one. Anyway, reading up on the subject, it turns out they can, if not managed correctly, cause quite a lot of extra work. So here's some of the top tips i've picked up in my extensive research:

1. Comfort Blankets: If you can't separate the child from the comfort blanket by peaceful means, in a quiet moment when no-one's looking, take it to the kitchen and burn it. Just singe its fingers, it'll soon learn.

2. Dummies: To suck or not to suck. Plan for the future with this simple formula here:- girl = good, boy = bad. He'll thank you for it in later life when he successfully gets through his 'curious' phase. She'll be thankful for the practice when she gets to high school. Her boyfriends will thank you

3. Circumcision: This one's the other way round: girl = bad, boy = good. they'll both thank you for it, the girl because that's frigging obvious (ahem). the boy because, though he may think he's missing something, he will at least not have a twisted wiry filament with a turnip for a father and a nicknack for a mother when he's growing up and comparing things at the urinals.

4. Temper Tantrums: The first time the little one puts up a fight and demands something they want - doesnt matter what it is or where you are - just get up and leave. If they follow, they've learnt. If they don't, what are you really losing?

5. Schooling: No child seriously wants to go to school, so my advice is to make home life so intolerable that they seek refuge in education. As soon as they learn that lesson, ease up on the home life so they get to enjoy both and have a happy childhood.

6. Child Abuse: Probably don't.


Friday, August 26, 2005

i might have another go at explaining just what happened when i got up on stage, and what got me there in the first place. but right now im preoccupied with Saul Williams last night who rocked this tiny venue and blew everyone away with the most poetic rap and the most rapturous poetry (taken from the Book of Common Cliches: Music Journalism Edition), followed by Patrick Forge at another tiny club (and free!) who blew us all to bits - i was stepping over frugging limbs and juddering, er, more limbs on the dancefloor all night. Special credit to the two just possibly drunk ladies who approached me outside for a light and 30 seconds later, magically pressed up against me asked "go on, which one do you want? which one? me or her? me or her? or do you want both? come on, tell us, tell us"

- oh my, would you just look at the time?!


Thursday, August 25, 2005

erm...i done standup. i was good. it wasnt like last year (and i hadnt done any stand-up since). nor is the writing. partly cos ive forgotten how to tell a story and partly because there is no story. but i showed up. went on. everybody laughed. at everything. nine minutes later i walked off. a thoroughly different, happier person. thanks be to the believers (all you kind people) and scorn be dumped upon the doubters (er...just me).


Monday, August 22, 2005

The next person who jokily says they could tell me but they'd have to kill me, i will kill.


Saturday, August 20, 2005

[23:59] friar: Vadic Nostrajectomy
[00:00] friar: Hugo St. Jazz
[00:00] groist: vlad the impaler's younger, safari loving brother - Vlod the Impala
[00:00] friar: pronouced 'sinjuzz'
[00:01] friar: he's posh
[00:01] friar: Roland Progopunktomy
[00:01] groist: anthony nottinghamshire
[00:01] groist: Simon Norway
[00:02] friar: Bisto Lancashan't
[00:02] friar: Philip Aylesburysville
[00:02] groist: Hacky Coff
[00:02] friar: Jacky Tanker
[00:02] groist: Jim Planet
[00:03] friar: Wasp Critispise
[00:03] groist: Geraldine Earth
[00:04] groist: Bill Fishy
[00:04] friar: Rod Fauna
[00:04] groist: Andrew Flapp-Gills
[00:05] groist: Drago Quincunx
[00:05] friar: Cochristopher Unfrankable
[00:05] groist: Doracel Phantasinovl
[00:06] friar: Claybourne Insensislaughter
[00:06] groist: Ianette Demisphere
[00:06] groist: Boff Pigler
[00:07] friar: Penelope Stintsy
[00:07] groist: Bern Svizzer
[00:07] friar: Colin Bastabugge
[00:08] groist: Liminy Oauihay
[00:08] groist: Shandrew Mexica
[00:09] friar: Badam Unneev
[00:09] friar: Godson Mendinigge
[00:10] groist: Gerund Hellable
[00:10] friar: Gay Selayve
[00:10] groist: Nick Futtercut
[00:11] friar: Esther Flekt-Merkyn
[00:11] groist: Dickle Epilepse
[00:11] friar: Como Toes-Smakhedd
[00:12] groist: N'dea dddd
[00:12] friar: Honey Bumbledust
[00:12] groist: Old Tom Floggycock
[00:13] friar: Aaron Kanaknyd
[00:13] friar: Charles Buckingham-Challis
[00:13] groist: Captain Bill Shit
[00:14] friar: Sergeant Robert Feeseas
[00:15] friar: Paul Nostar
[00:15] groist: Private N Gannon-Fodda
[00:15] friar: Corporal Doug Trench
[00:16] groist: Major General Anthony Sexy
[00:16] groist: Lieutenant Barry Who-who
[00:16] friar: Sir Basil Rape-Yesrape
[00:17] groist: Field Marshall Jimless Gollygosh
[00:17] friar: Dr Richard Cunt
[00:18] groist: Dr Dick FUCK
[00:18] groist: actually spelt in capitals
[00:18] groist: and pronounced as such by the good dr
[00:18] groist: at every occasion
[00:18] groist: with glee
[00:18] friar: Sir William Stainey
[00:18] groist: there's a character for you - a man who takes massive pride in his rude name
[00:19] groist: pleased to meet you, i'm dr dick FUCK
[00:19] groist: that's F.U.C.K
[00:19] groist: you know, like the sexual act
[00:19] friar: hi, i'm Mr. KUNTBUSTER
[00:19] groist: Buster Kunt
[00:20] friar: Reginald St. Flames
[00:20] groist: Bomber Dexter Drine-Sleepless
[00:20] groist: St Crispy of Duck
[00:21] friar: Father Patrick Fuddyducks
[00:21] groist: Canon Tommy Bobbybol
[00:22] friar: Lord Premiership of Borl
[00:22] groist: Cardinal Susan Femminame
[00:22] friar: Cliff Gritchelmore
[00:22] groist: Griff Clitchewmore
[00:23] groist: Shop Warden Bernard Gravelungs
[00:24] friar: R. Tillery-Wargrave
[00:25] friar: Ed Ibble-Pance
[00:25] groist: Aurelia Gasm
[00:26] friar: Ungus Disgratispise
[00:27] friar: Martin Spiteman
[00:27] groist: Emanuel Height-Fild
[00:27] friar: Gladys Torrectomy
[00:28] friar: Simon Bumbaby
[00:28] groist: Eric Tile-Disfunkshun
[00:29] friar: hey hey!
[00:30] friar: Maddolf Bitsgrieg
[00:30] friar: Sandy Soretoes
[00:31] friar: Billbush Bootsy-Clinton
[00:31] groist: Volker Cankerer
[00:32] groist: Tim Tumourfish
[00:32] groist: Stig Nutworm
[00:33] friar: Eamonn Stuntiform
[00:33] friar: Gary Capri
[00:33] friar: Fred Escourt
[00:34] groist: Uwe Sbazduk
[00:34] friar: Joey Deacon
[00:35] friar: Joey Spazteak
[00:35] groist: Buglass Dada
[00:35] friar: Art Dekko
[00:36] groist: Sue Realist
[00:36] friar: Q. Bizm
[00:36] groist: Abe Strictim-Preshunnst
[00:36] groist: Fi Gurratizm
[00:37] friar: Rupert Hart-Gallerie
[00:37] groist: Art Gallre
[00:37] friar: Chester Unitedman
[00:37] friar: Lester Sittee
[00:38] groist: Preston Northend
[00:38] friar: Liv Herrpule
[00:38] groist: Eve Tonne
[00:39] groist: Arse Anil
[00:39] friar: Charles Tunathletik
[00:39] groist: Michelle Sea
[00:39] friar: Lars Goerayngers
[00:39] groist: Leyton Orient
[00:40] friar: Don Kasterrowvers
[00:40] groist: Ray N'gers
[00:40] groist: Ted Newcastleuni
[00:40] friar: Chris Tollsitee
[00:40] friar: Chris Tullrowvers
[00:41] groist: Chris Tolpalace
[00:41] friar: Don Seayounighted
[00:41] groist: christol chalice
[00:42] friar: Matt Burnrovers
[00:42] groist: Paris Sanjay-Man
[00:43] friar: Lee De Stunyted
[00:43] groist: Di Nomokeyev
[00:44] friar: Sid Ullsbra
[00:44] groist: Dana Thinikos
[00:44] friar: Peter Ersboroughunited
[00:44] friar: Gay M'Brydge
[00:44] groist: Tel Ford
[00:45] friar: Brad Fordsity
[00:45] groist: Jeff Eeled
[00:45] friar: Col Chestertarn
[00:45] groist: Jeff Eeled-Zity
[00:46] friar: Sal Tik
[00:46] groist: Dot Namotspa
[00:47] friar: Hamilton Nakkademmicles
[00:47] groist: Queen Spark-Rangers
[00:47] friar: Carl Denbeeth
[00:47] groist: Queen Uthasarth
[00:47] groist: Dean Abba
[00:48] groist: Abby Dean, even
[00:48] friar: gotcha now!
[00:48] groist: Mornington Crescent!
[00:48] friar: i mean - i geddit now!
[00:48] groist: i win
[00:48] friar: Dan Dee
[00:49] groist: Rex Om
[00:50] friar: like it...i like it
[00:50] groist: Paul Tsmuth
[00:50] groist: Lynn Consity
[00:50] friar: Merv Thurtydfill
[00:50] groist: hehe
[00:50] friar: Shane Rockrovers
[00:51] friar: R. Ds
[00:51] groist: ?
[00:51] friar: Ards - Irish F.C.
[00:51] groist: fuck off
[00:51] friar: look it up mofo
[00:51] groist: i literally only know Shelbourne rovers
[00:51] groist: if i have to look it up, it's NOT jokeworthy
[00:51] groist: innit
[00:52] friar: i refuse to restrict my jokes to your limited knowledge
[00:52] friar: of the country you live in
[00:52] friar: you plastic paddy-patrick you
[00:53] groist: im not even plastic paddy
[00:53] groist: im a ricepaper paddy
[00:53] groist: just watch my paddyness melt away
[00:53] friar: your a yaddy - a yiddish paddy
[00:53] friar: you're even
[00:54] friar: instead of 'your' of couse
[00:54] groist: i dont wanna be a paddy - they're a bunch of potato-faced ignorant pigcocks
[00:55] groist: and believe me, that took some considered thinking to come up with that reasoned argument
[00:55] friar: my dad just joined me in this chat - hi dad
[00:55] groist: hi dad
[00:55] friar: he's not your dad
[00:55] groist: i thought he was a plasterer
[00:55] groist: not a carpenter
[00:55] friar: just your better
[00:55] groist: geddit?
[00:55] groist: do ye?
[00:55] friar: i c wot u dun there
[00:55] groist: do ye get it?
[00:55] groist: u c?
[00:56] groist: do ye?
[00:56] friar: gotsit
[00:56] groist: goo dee
[00:57] friar: my old man's my daddy, he wears a dadman's cap, and when he's not my daddy, i ain't been born just yet
[00:57] friar: my old man's my old man, he wears my old man's cap, and when he's being old man, you know that he's just that
[00:58] groist: my old man's a dustman, he just loves dust, he's also a man
[00:58] groist: my old man's a dead now, he wears a coffin cap, and when he tries to go to work he ends up getting sacked. for being dead.
[00:59] friar: my old man's a rapist, he raped my old mam blue, and i popped out her mingey, 9 months after he was through
[01:00] groist: my old man's a dubman, he runs a studio in jamaica, he smokes the lovely ganja and he once fucked cheryl baker
[01:00] groist: my old man's a woman, he wears a strapless bra, and when he fucks my poor old mum, it's always up his arse
[01:02] groist: my old man's a dutchman, he wears a dutchman's cap, he's got the aids of all gay men, but doesnt want the clap
[01:03] friar: my old man's a spaniel, he chases all the cats, and when he's fucked them silly, i'll take him to the vet - to get neutered, or put down.
[01:03] groist: my old man's a top economist for the Treasury, he wears a spending cap, and when he's done with Europe, they'll no longer have a C.A.P
[01:04] friar: my old man's my mother, he wears a mother's hat, but my sister's Frank Zappa, and he just can't stand that
[01:05] groist: my old man's a southern baptist, he wears a pointy cap, it's long and white with two eyeholes, and helps him hate the black, ....s
[01:06] friar: My old man's my father, he never had dutch caps, and now I feel unwanted, my will to live is sapped.
[01:06] groist: my old man's a faddler, he wears a faddler's cap, he's faddled me, he's faddled you, he's faddled up my cat
[01:08] friar: My old man's me old man, he's old and he's my dad, he swears that he's my guv'nor, and me mum says that is that.
[01:10] groist: my old man's a bastard, i wish i'd not been born, he sold me into slavery and now im doing porn
[01:10] groist: danggit
[01:11] friar: sorrilyiest
[01:11] groist: my old man's a spazmo,
[01:11] groist: he wears a dunce's hat
[01:11] groist: he didnt know he fucked my mum
[01:12] groist: til i came out her twat
[01:12] groist: my old man's a dogshit
[01:12] friar: my old man's my dad-dad, he's dad of all I am, he's my immediate male ancestor, and he's not proud of that
[01:12] groist: he wears a shitfly cap
[01:12] friar: he wears down people's hats
[01:12] groist: when people see him on the street
[01:13] groist: they think he's a piece of crap
[01:13] groist: my old man's a number
[01:13] friar: ...he lacks a decent hat...
[01:13] groist: between 1 and a hundred
[01:13] friar: but at least he's an integer, unlike me and me mam


Friday, August 19, 2005

An amazing sight today, just outside the Israeli Embassy where there are regular protests against their brutal policies in the Occupied Territories...

absolutely nothing.

Where are the protestors rallying round to applaud the Israeli Government for what they've done? Surely they'd be there, celebrating and making friends, no? You can't just protest at something and when you get your way skulk off. You have to go back and make up now.


Thursday, August 18, 2005

Youth gather for 'Catholic Woodstock'
Christian Science Monitor - 1 hour ago
Hundreds of thousands descend on Cologne in big test for the new pope's ability to rally youth...

I think we're all hoping the organisation behind this have to issue a warning press release along the lines of "do not, repeat DO NOT take the brown eucharist"


Wednesday, August 17, 2005

and another, if you're not full up


And from my tasty foods collection...


From my 'found postcard' collection


Tuesday, August 09, 2005

lazy blogging corner...another apparently funny chat...

[nutgroist] halloi
[nutgroist] come on
[nutgroist] answer me god confound you!
(0:19) [friarcouscous] three beeps have wakened me - who are you and what do you want?
[nutgroist] i'm you and...
[nutgroist] i want you to believe me/you
(0:20) [friarcouscous] i'm not god, and nor is God
[nutgroist] little known spiritual secret - God prays to us
[nutgroist] no, sorry, God prays ON us
(0:21) [friarcouscous] God does exist, but we're now cleverer than Him. That's why he invented us - cos he couldn't work out Science.
[nutgroist] i tell you what, pal - in light of all that all-seeing, all-knowing, all-powerful stuff - i'd say the Devil's a plucky fellow
(0:23) [friarcouscous] Yeah, but he slept and murdered his way to the top (bottom).
[nutgroist] he's got a snowball's chance in hell, no, a fireball's chance in heaven of winning THAT eternal battle
[nutgroist] the devil slept his way to the top? with who exactly?
[nutgroist] mrs devil?
[nutgroist] mrs the devil?
[nutgroist] the angel gaybriel
(0:24) [friarcouscous] Why did goats become associated with the Devil? So many more likely candidates in the animal kingdom.
[nutgroist] you ever fucked a goat?
[nutgroist] it's TOTALLY WICKED
(0:25) [friarcouscous] I've goaded a fuck.
[nutgroist] you ever tried to do anything ritualistic with an evil serpent?
[nutgroist] it's not easy
[nutgroist] believe me
(0:25) [friarcouscous] I've done a whore, 'goaty style'.
[nutgroist] still, it made getting the cock piercing easier
(0:26) [friarcouscous] Those fangs are overrated.
[nutgroist] who runs purgatory?
(0:26) [friarcouscous] ?
[nutgroist] or does it just run itself now?
(0:26) [friarcouscous] Elvis
[nutgroist] after so many years of history
[nutgroist] dont be ridiculous
[nutgroist] Elvis hasnt died yet
(0:27) [friarcouscous] yes, there have been a lot of years of history
[nutgroist] too many to count individulally, id say
(0:27) [friarcouscous] Elvira - of course
(0:28) [friarcouscous] I don't know - if you start in 1066 and end in 1945.
[nutgroist] if Elvira did run it, i wouldnt say no to a dirty weekend stint there before going up
[nutgroist] oddly enough, those are my hours
(0:28) [friarcouscous] Bulldog Historiography
[nutgroist] 11:06 am to about 7:45 pm
(0:29) [friarcouscous] my hours are 24/7 - i'm alive
(0:29) [friarcouscous] ...just
[nutgroist] i think it's just that you're alive
[nutgroist] but im no judge
[nutgroist] although i have been associated with jewry
(0:30) [friarcouscous] nicely...i like to work 7/24
(0:30) [friarcouscous] or even 5/24 most days
[nutgroist] i work 1/1
(0:30) [friarcouscous] ha ha!!!
[nutgroist] on a daily basis
(0:31) [friarcouscous] ha ha!!!!!!
(0:31) [friarcouscous] pissing myself
[nutgroist] me too
[nutgroist] but then i have got a willy
[nutgroist] so what else am i going to do with it
(0:31) [friarcouscous] no ideas cos laughing
[nutgroist] dont want to get 'lazy willy'
(0:32) [friarcouscous] reached the plateau
[nutgroist] that's the worst of all the old age diseases, that is
[nutgroist] lazy willy
[nutgroist] already got saggy balls
(0:32) [friarcouscous] dick dock - a bad penalty
[nutgroist] stuart pierce had one
[nutgroist] gareth southgate, he's another
(0:32) [friarcouscous] i dock you one dick
[nutgroist] here's a docket for it
[nutgroist] a dick dock docket
(0:33) [friarcouscous] was a guy who lived after that punishment - 'Dick Docked' Dick
[nutgroist] dick's dick dock docket
[nutgroist] picked a pock of pickled pockets
[nutgroist] then gregory peck sent the lawyers in to end it before it got out of hand
(0:35) [friarcouscous] I'm going to have my fucking willy amputated to pay for a hit on Bono - Docked One Dick To Kill A Big Cock
[nutgroist] that's a great idea but i'd get it amputated when not fucking
[nutgroist] practically easier and relatively easier to say goodbye to
[nutgroist] but one cant help but wonder, who's going to pay for you to have it amputated?
[nutgroist] i mean, i'll chuck a fiver into the ring, just to help out, like
(0:36) [friarcouscous] I want my dick to go into outer space - but I don't want to go with it. Bit of a fix.
[nutgroist] why not cut out the 'middle man' so to speak - have Bono amputated
(0:37) [friarcouscous] Where does he hide the massive pair of balls he must be attached to?
[nutgroist] dare you, right now, in this day and age, to write a letter to jim'll fix it, last seen on tv in the last century, asking if he could please please please fix it for you to have your dick sent into 'fucking outer space'
[nutgroist] inside larry's bass drums
[nutgroist] or adam or whoever it is
(0:39) [friarcouscous] Dear Jim'll, please can you fix it to have my fucking sweaty nuts to be fucking rocketed into out space please?
(0:39) [friarcouscous] such bad wrytyng
[nutgroist] dear jim'll, please can you fix it for me to not have to be abused by my stepdad ever again
[nutgroist] ps. can i come on the show and sit on your lap? (0:40)
[friarcouscous] Dear Jim'll. please can you fix it for you and Jonathan King to stop fiddling with us poor caddies, please?
[nutgroist] pps. i can sit on the show and come on your lap
[nutgroist] dear jim'll, please can you make the bad man go away
(0:41) [friarcouscous] Dear Saville, I will lynch you. I will. Yes I will. Goodnight.
[nutgroist] dear jim'll, please can you fix it for me to have some fucking sex with a bitch please?
[nutgroist] ps. i'm 42 years of age
(0:42) [friarcouscous] Dear Mr Fuxit, please can you fux it so that me and my punk mates can cut a boy's penis off in Slough town centre toilets in 1979?
[nutgroist] dear jim'll, please can you fixit it for me....im talking about my broken toy
[nutgroist] hahaha
[nutgroist] i think you mean, i HOPE you mean, dear jim'll please can you fixit for me to star in a crotch-grabbing urban myth in slough town centre toilets in 1979?
(0:43) [friarcouscous] yes indeed, much later exposed as a worldwide urban myth starting in the good old you Hess of Gay
[nutgroist] dear jim'll, please can you f...no, actually, i don't want anything. bye
(0:46) [friarcouscous] dear jamahl, please can you fax me a copy of the full scripts for the Jim'll Fix It show 1977-1983?
[nutgroist] dear bbc, please can you fix it for jimmy saville to go from top pop personality to suspected paedolester and celebrity nobody in a surprisingly short space of time?
(0:46) [friarcouscous] Consider it done.
(0:47) [friarcouscous] ha ha ha!
[nutgroist] dear jim'll please can you fix it for me to kill a man
(0:47) [friarcouscous] without ANY repercussions
(0:48) [friarcouscous] Dear Tim-Hal, please can you fix John Bonham and kill that Bono?
[nutgroist] dear jim'll, i've always had a fascination with jail, but as a law-abiding citizen i obviously dont think i'll ever end up inside. please can you fix me up for me?
[nutgroist] dear saville, i've admired your bespoke suits for many years, but this constant rowing has got to stop(0:50)
[friarcouscous] dear james, please can you fix it for me to conclusively disprove the existence of Jesus, Mohammed and Abba?
(0:51) [friarcouscous] got to go to bed now dude!
[nutgroist] ddear jim'lll
[nutgroist] please can you make friar couscous stay up a bit later
[nutgroist] cos i had a rubbish 'can you make
[nutgroist] hard rock the force it once was again'
[nutgroist] request
[nutgroist] you realise i NEED to have funny interactions like this
[nutgroist] got a few weeks to prepare for my standup comp
(0:52) [friarcouscous] i know - i heard about that -- when and where?
[nutgroist] gotta get those funnies flowing
(0:53) [friarcouscous] specify: date/time/location
[nutgroist] and that's all yer gettin out of me
[nutgroist] listen, if it goes well, that's all well and great
[nutgroist] but if it goes badly, i want to be the only one who remembers it
[nutgroist] im actually going to ask the judges and audience to leave the room when i do it
(0:54) [friarcouscous] what if it all goes well but then you die? who will remember it then?
(0:54) [friarcouscous] who?
(0:54) [friarcouscous] who?
(0:54) [friarcouscous] who?
(0:54) [friarcouscous] hoo!
[nutgroist] i'll record it
[nutgroist] and
[nutgroist] crucially
[nutgroist] I'LL BE DEAD
[nutgroist] i dont want, need or care for other people
[nutgroist] full stop
[nutgroist] not just the remembering it part(0:56)
[friarcouscous] i've got a date with a dream i was having last night - and so - i must go
[nutgroist] curse you to chesham and back
(0:56) [friarcouscous] my thousand apologies card is yours to swipe
[nutgroist] damn you to amsterdam and back
[nutgroist] run out of credit, my friend
[nutgroist] the sorrys all yours
[nutgroist] great idea though - 1000 apologies card
[nutgroist] could well become alternate currency some day
(0:57) [friarcouscous] would do well in india
[nutgroist] dont be surprised if that ends up in my book idea
[nutgroist] no, im serious now
[nutgroist] social currency
[nutgroist] no monetary value
(0:58) [friarcouscous] someone's already thought of books
[nutgroist] damn
(0:58) [friarcouscous] sexurrency
[nutgroist] what about pamphlets?
[nutgroist] surely i'll be first in there
(0:58) [friarcouscous] what - chicks on the rag?
(0:58) [friarcouscous] or nappies?
[nutgroist] no, pamela flett's
[nutgroist] lovely place
[nutgroist] spamflats
(0:59) [friarcouscous] i've found a new way to wank - to BLONDIE
[nutgroist] some kind of steamrollered vagpie
(0:59) [friarcouscous] especially Rapture - and by wank - I do mean mentally
[nutgroist] now or then?
[nutgroist] personally i've come full circle
(1:00) [friarcouscous] Doing it physically is so 1989
[nutgroist] it's so working class
(1:00) [friarcouscous] yes. yes it is.
[nutgroist] i gave up wanking when everyone else started doing it
(1:00) [friarcouscous] and so am I.
[nutgroist] tried fucking for a while - interesting until the bandwagon got jumped on
(1:01) [friarcouscous] I gave up wanking when my cock was sore. And I plan to resume in approximately.....9 minutes.
[nutgroist] haha
[nutgroist] i gave up wanking when they started taxing it
[nutgroist] no, sorry, i'll say that again
(1:01) [friarcouscous] I gave up paying tax then.
[nutgroist] i gave up wanking when they started taxi-ing it
[nutgroist] i hate joining queues
(1:02) [friarcouscous] I gave up paying for wanks when they stopped taxing it.
[nutgroist] i hate waiting
[nutgroist] that's why i started wanking in the first place
[nutgroist] something to do while youre waiting
[nutgroist] to collect your dole money
[nutgroist] i gave up wanking for free when i discovered i prefer to pay for it
(1:03) [friarcouscous] I started wanking because I couldn't get any pussy.
[nutgroist] now i toss one off and then rudely throw a tenner at me and fake umbrage
(1:03) [friarcouscous] right - gotsta go!
[nutgroist] i started wanking with cocks but i've moved on since then
(1:04) [friarcouscous] now!
[nutgroist] now now?
[nutgroist] or when now?
[nutgroist] i think you've missed the now boat
[nutgroist] you'll have to wait for the next one
[nutgroist] coming right about
[nutgroist] later
[nutgroist] on
(1:04) [friarcouscous] bye!


Monday, August 08, 2005

Taxi, fri night, 2 big french guys and I going back to mine for a little smoke and drinky. One of them turns to me and says something, in his thick french accent, mildly dismissive of France, in the way that is acceptable for a native but would be considered rude if it were a foreigner's opinion of his country. Mr Taxi Driver* pops up

'Oi tell yer what, oi don trost d fockin franch, deyll slit yer troat d minute yer torn yer back, y'know?'

We three look at eachother in one of those classic 'Did he just say what i thought he said?' moments and, afraid that my compadres will simultaneously teach him a lesson and prove him right, I say very quickly 'well if you hate them so much you'd better get us home quick because two out of three of us ARE French'

and he says

"Franch? Oh FRANCH! Oh yeah, oi luv d franch. Great fellas d franch. Charles de Gaulle, my koind o' man, sure. Best food in d world, best looking gorls, oi'd say. Beautiful language...er..Where'd we be without d franch?"

then it's deja vu and not for the first time as we three look again at eachother and wonder consider this stunning volte-face. And then it's time to get out so my french friends pay the fare and tip him big, just because.

*it is my experience that dublin taxi drivers, much as i respect them more than london ones, have no ear for accents and will always ask 'where are yous from then?' even if you step in the taxi dressed as Napoleon whilst cooking garlic and onions, humming The Marseillaise and contemplating 'working with' the Germans


Friday, August 05, 2005

Quick question, no funny, i've just been wondering about:

Have anything illegal ever been committed in space? And under who's jurisdiction does that rest?

In Italy, St John gets a whole functionally sovereign territory,
in Spain, he gets a beautiful medieval city,
in France he gets a lovely little scallop,
and in England, they give him a wort

NB: To swallow this, it will be useful to accept the not-a-factual claim that no-one makes that St John and St James are the same holy bloke and not, rather famously, brothers. Thanks.


Thursday, August 04, 2005

The first in a series of wilfully offense 'jokes' you won't be hearing anywhere else anytime soon:

Q. What's the difference between a bag of Tesco's Tuna Salad and your Mum's cunt?

A. The salad is Washed and Ready to Eat


Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Some of the old folk phrases learned from my grand greatparents who came from some obscure country between Greece and Turkey:

When the pine tree cries for joy, the forest laughs in pain

A fig is like a woman, but also like a fig

When the boats go out, shepherds' doubt. When the boats come in, shepherds win

Pigs can swim. There is a God.

A hard penis doesn't wank itself

Uncle's milk is sour but the bottle is smooth as bone

Desire enters the body through many routes but it can only leave through one small hole

If god had intended women to enjoy sex, he wouldn't have given men cocks

Trying to stop an anteater eating ants is like selling black men to africa

A man with big hands makes a good husband, but be sure he hasn't got dicks for fingers

You will never make love with a beautiful woman. You will only make love TO her.

School is for teachers, not for children

Telling a woman to stop spending your gambling money is like trying to rape your own cow: Impossible, because they always enjoy it

Never eat a black man with your fingers

He’d kiss the devil to fuck a god


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