Wednesday, September 29, 2004

from yesterday's Independent...

Straw shook Mugabe's hand 'because it was dark'

Jack Straw said yesterday that he had shaken hands with President Robert Mugabe because it was "dark" and he did not realise he was greeting the Zimbabwean leader

I suggest next time Tony Blair appoints a foreign secretary, he first asks them if they have a fetish for black man's hands.


Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Awake again and just leaving for set, i remembered two more choice quotes from last night's session:

"Our Dad ruined Elvis for us as kids. He used to play it in the car, and he hasnt a musical note in his body but he insisted on singing every word a split second before Elvis, so it was like hearing my Dad sing all those songs first, with Elvis, for fuck's sake, ELVIS on backing vocals!"


"Listen mate, be careful. They don't like us. They may pretend to but they don't. That's another reason I'm leaving. You and me, right, we know the score. Stay in your area where people are educated and not ignorant. They really hate the English" (spoken in the loudest whisper you've ever heard and besides, I was sitting between two Irish guys at the time with another 200 or so in close proximity)

I'm doing extra work on a big hollywood mooooovie right here in 'New Jersey' aka The Shelbourne Greyhound Stadium, Dublin. Many hilarious tales of background manoeuverings could be told but first please let me get some sleep. The Girl with the one track minge is not exaggerating, not about her work anyway, which adds credibility to the whole package, no? For the crew it can be a 16 hour day, every day. How does a director sleep at night? I am going to examine this one further.

Yet I have to stay awake long enough to write this down...

The Scene: A big party in Noo Joizy, 200 guests plus the 3 protagonists. They have spent something like 26 hours filming this from various angles and we, the 200 extras, all have tightly choreographed movements and mimes to perform. When you see a film with a party scene, you've probably noticed the wildly overgesturing ugly people in the background who clearly don't know eachother from admen. Some take it for what it is - a bit of fun, boredom and very little money. Others take it very, very seriously and many have successfully and tragically managed to confuse themselves with big fucking famous movie stars. I've been entertained by a perpetual public display of poncing, swanning and clicquing that would rival any fashion show, with the added bonus that all these mini-divas are genuine nobodies. But a rarer and more amusing breed are those who literally don't give a fuck about what they're doing. They haven't heard of Continuity and may possibly not have ever seen a film. I spend all of tonight standing by a table mouthing silent, increasingly spiteful phrases to this real Rico Suave who is sitting down in front of me trying desperately to get his face into shot. I call him a prick at least 100 times to his face and it's still not enough. Over to my left are three Dubliners, all of a previous generation. They too spend all night there, in shot, right by some of the vital action. But for the last setup of the 'night', by which I mean it started shooting around 5am, one of the guys has come over to join me. He's late-50's, very distinctive looking and smartly-dressed by the excellent wardrobe staff. We are out of shot for this now, but where he should be standing is most definitely in shot. So I ask him this question:

"Where's your first position?"

"Oh it's right over here where i'm standing now", he replies

"You weren't standing over there before?"

"ah well I was for a while, yes... but you see now, I'd rather not be on camera to be honest"

I am intrigued. "Why not? That's what we're here for"

He replied "Sure but I'm not really supposed to be working, you know what I mean? I could get into a lot of trouble if anybody sees me"

I am desperate to laugh and he just continues away

"I hope this thing don't come out in Ireland. I hope it doesn't get released at all. I really can't be seen"


Friday, September 24, 2004

in the absence of any proper blogging, here's some contradictory marketing to enjoy from the California Garden company, Dubai. Are these 'Incredible Beans' or 'Foul Medammas'? Either way, they look like black-lipped foetuses and I shan't be eating them.


Tuesday, September 21, 2004

I tell you what mate: That 'eston Blumenthal's a bloody nutter, innit?!


"Le Paedofish" dans un coulis du Colere Cru


Le Poisson Beurre sans Sel


Salade aux Lingochon du Limpeaupeau


Ouef Mantis du Bleu pur


Tetes des Fragaux aux Pierres


Une Pruneau Visage Farci sur Citron Noir de Perou avec les Pieds du aux Miel


Monday, September 20, 2004

Say hello to the Orange-Foot Dudo


Friday, September 17, 2004

i was looking for the chords to a folk song called 'Young Hunting' or sometimes 'Earl Richard'. Honest.

I haven't dared click further than this.

A Somewhat Poetical Contrivance upon the Subject of High Tea in Low Society

is it true that for you to start you would rather
a runaway stoat or a stowaway rat
served in a soup of flotsam and lather
with a gnat-riddled flea or a flea-bitten gnat
(blessed by Father Howe with a bit of 'ow's-your-father
in the bat of an eye and the eye of a bat)

for the main there's a choice of what kind of dish,
a plate 'neath your chin or a chinese platter
a salver of silver, a compliment of fish
dont fish for a compliment for it doesnt matter
fresh from the bath, come and see if you wish
the frolicking finned-ones already in batter

dessert will be served by an armed legionaire
who deserted the army when he lost his three legs
he'll blow up the ice-cream bombe if you care
or serve you fruit cobble as he hobbles on pegs
there's flambeed frigged frog on a porked pig done rare
and organic egg-nog made from finest dog's eggs


Thursday, September 16, 2004

Minnie Driver, pentagon-faced daughter of a billionaire financier and as such a role-model for all struggling actresses, has revealed she lives in a trailer

I don't see how this is news.

For me Minnie, you'll always live in trailers because, like many film buffs, I'm never going to see you in a full-length feature.


Wednesday, September 15, 2004

A Rear Tail

my hated family, curse them so, has given me no run of luck
kids were not planned for, at the start, yet i was made from mum's first fuck
I popped out, in bits, swept up, placenta kept and me they chuck
to top it all her tits blew up and so there was no nip to suck

weaned on whiskey i was frisky, obsessed with 'les fesses' and frotting
i'd rub my self against old meat, i must confess, til rotting
whilst others in classes at my school concerned themselves with steamtrainspotting
their mothers' arses and my tool were all the doodles i was jotting

their dads i did devise a death or at the least a dick destruction
so sad must be their mothers' grief that i'd step in to heal the ruction
and mad with lust they would me trust to comfort them with love-eruption
thus glad to thrust into their rusted holes and maybe get some suction

all went well and i did swell with pride of all the arse i ride
til ladies laden, poohole pregnant, guilty I, their sons decide
to take my mum and willing bum but use holes where once breasts reside
so one last time for each of them, I committed anal babicide

It's taken a long time to come (like everything in my wife) but i've finally updated The Cockbook with a recipe for Glazed Coq, no jokes please - i've already done them, about halfway down the original text. It's so-so funny, delicious, nutritious and a sprinkled with lie dust.

What about the fight against AIDS?


Tuesday, September 14, 2004

another one for Sal - he finds them funny you know

faraa3: so you taking her up town?
faraa3: treating her like a princess?
faraa3: showing her the bright city lights?
jcb: my mum and dad are coming to babysit and we're going to the cinema
faraa3: a fancy german restaurant operhaps?
faraa3: the cinema!?!
jcb: that's about as exciting as it gets
faraa3: gosh she must be THRILLED
faraa3: take her to a show, broadway, the city streets
jcb: there isn't time
faraa3: east end boys and west end girls
jcb: we're putting the kids to bed and then we have to get back not too late
faraa3: $200 suits
jcb: the cinema is pushing it a bit mid week for my mum
jcb: she has to go to work
faraa3: rolls-royce and caviar
faraa3: champagne and top quality noodles
jcb: we may be able to grab an ice cream in the foyer before the main feature
faraa3: the best flamenco money can buy
faraa3: personal opera
faraa3: diamonds and pearls at the casino
jcb: i'll probably giver her a lap dance later on
faraa3: martinis and blinis
faraa3: coke and a poke
jcb: or get to dab and lance my sores
faraa3: top hat and cane
faraa3: cigar city, that's london town
faraa3: hotshots and bigshots
jcb: well we aren't even going to watford
faraa3: loose cars and faster ladies
jcb: garston
jcb: where the cinema is
faraa3: city of mystery
faraa3: borough of love
faraa3: parish of luxury
faraa3: the diamond eyes of a gypsy lady
faraa3: a kiss on the lips that would make a god blush
faraa3: where money's no object and no-one objects
faraa3: the pain behind the smile
jcb: you still there?
faraa3: the heart hunts for what it knows it cannot but not have
faraa3: a whisper to a rose in a velvet black embrace
faraa3: dewdrops glisten on a roulette sky
faraa3: hot nights and crazy days at the UK Corral
faraa3: where fashion meets passion on a runway to romance
faraa3: where the dogs dont go and the cats dont dare
jcb: where the streets will ,meet your cheek with a crush of bone if your drinking is overblown

Dear Sirs, how much just for a cup?

My proposal for a Government public service film:

The Scene:

A remote farmhouse on a dark and stormy night. A young man sits alone watching television in the front room.

The TV suddenly gains in volume:

"We interrupt this broadcast to bring you an important announcement"

(flashes up picture of wild-eyed man with a red goatee beard, mono-browed and slack-jawed, in prison uniform)

"A known murderer has escaped from prison and is said to be on the loose in your area. You are advised not to approach him since he is heavily armed and highly dangerous. Please alert the police if you have any information"


The doorbell rings. He gets up, spooked, to answer the door. He unbolts it but keeps the chain on

(opens door just a touch)

Through the crack he sees standing before him a wild-eyed man with a red goatee beard, mono-browed and slack-jawed, in prison uniform.

"Hello?! Don't I know you from somewhere?"


(unchains door, opens it wide)

"Oh I do know you! You're that bloke off the telly! Come on in! Can I have your autograph?...Girls! Come! Look who it is!"

the end, literally


Friday, September 10, 2004

Come on the other guy! Whoever you are


Thursday, September 09, 2004

YES! At last, something i've dreamed of for years...


Russia has announced it's going to go after terrorist bases worldwide which means that, finally, the two great superpowers of the Cold War are both fighting in a global war.

It's just a shame it's not against eachother.

Granted, the Russkies are no longer Evil Commies and it turns out they weren't even that Evil in the first place. It's true that this America, much like Reagan's one, is no longer the benevolent protector of all things good that I thought it was when i was a kid. But who didn't know that following a couple of sharp pop lessons from Frankie Goes To Hollywood and Sting in 1984/5? That's how I wised up, anyway.

I think of all the time, money, lives, liberties and landscapes wasted on creating and allaying fears of eachother since 1945 and I immediately stop masturbating. I know that many of the world's top generals feel the same.

Surely the desperate dance of dirty death performed by Uncle Sam and Mother Russia for 45 years before the lady got a bit tired towards the end when her unwilling partner in the nuclear tango chose to gobble up all the snacks for himself and his refusal to pay for a taxi home meaning there were to be no 'fireworks' was the very greatest anti-climax in the history of long, drawn out dancefloor-based anticipatio-battlewanks. No more than a mere dribble on her shoes.

So what we really need is a second pop of the cherry - I propose we forward information to Russia about a large training camp for a bunch of religious zealots hell-bent on worldwide domination, profoundly anti-government, anti-democratic, anti-free speach and which keeps women in their place at all times. Somewhere like here http://www.frugalsquirrels.com/ and here http://members.aol.com/wyldcardjw/

If you want to read a more reasoned argument on the same subject, go here...



Wednesday, September 08, 2004

i was going to write 'if anyone in the Dublin area fancies getting a Reiki Healing from a woman with as many names as she has personalities, I did get her card in the end. Contact me via e-mail for her number, should you be clinically mad.


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

come over here and sit with me are you jewish i can tell because you look like on oh yes i knew them all the jews of dublin the cohens the briscoes and all of them all of them there were so many in my day course you know why there's so few left now dont you its because they threw out all the poor ones ha ha ha its my sons wedding next week i want you to come but no presents please no presents we'll fly you out free of charge you have to come i'll give you my card and wasnt it only the other day that maurice abraham's son, we call him morris, was getting married to a lovely catholic girl, yes i do sound like marianna faithful but i can't sing for shit ha ha ha im 53 years old and im pregnant so at least i beat my mother she was 47 when she had me and died after that ive got a list of all my miscarriages are you in touch with god? are you in touch with yourself then? that's what matters and feck the lot of 'em they're only out to screw you for money i was born jewish raised a catholic and now im protestant church of ireland it's a natural progression you must come to my son's wedding it's next week but please no presents ok, we'll fly you out to anywhere in the world i'll give you my card where do you live? really? which part? which road? which number? i play tennis there i used to own the hotel on that road but then i got divorced and that cost me 27 million its taken me 22 years to claw my way back i had nothing and now im starting again that cost me dear that did but i had to get rid of him he was no good at all and then i lived in berkeley square in london no here in dublin and i used to own that monte carlo? pah, it's overrated and i dont like the royal family there they're very rude i prefer dun laoghaire but you know what? the banks are all quaking because i own them and they've just found out and im going to take them for what's mine you must come to my son's wedding we'll fly you out but please no presents i was in a nutouse for 10 years but im fine now im quite able to look after myself look here's my card


Monday, September 06, 2004

i'm still on 'holiday' but here's something to think about:

Last 20 Searchengine Queries Unique Visitors

01 Sep, Wed, 21:38:11 Google: ladyhole
01 Sep, Wed, 22:58:29 Google: perineum minor cuts -episiotomy -child
02 Sep, Thu, 16:40:36 Yahoo: "rum makes you come"
02 Sep, Thu, 17:41:29 Google: "fat heidi"
02 Sep, Thu, 21:59:14 Google: portia was a racist bitch
03 Sep, Fri, 04:30:05 Google: "hidden link" on dress up "paris hilton"
03 Sep, Fri, 05:08:32 Yahoo: shit eating girls
03 Sep, Fri, 07:38:03 Google: cuntbusting
03 Sep, Fri, 16:11:53 Google: pheasant plucker blogspot
03 Sep, Fri, 17:02:08 Google: 'Takeru Kobayashi'
03 Sep, Fri, 18:44:49 Google: Christina Aguilera ball-gag
04 Sep, Sat, 15:51:52 Google: punchfucking
04 Sep, Sat, 18:32:35 Yahoo: photocopy your cunt
04 Sep, Sat, 19:55:27 Google: naked cock baros
05 Sep, Sun, 05:42:48 Google: figging patient
05 Sep, Sun, 06:53:34 Google: figging
06 Sep, Mon, 03:13:11 Google: menthal cigarettes contain..
06 Sep, Mon, 03:19:42 Google: gay haircut
06 Sep, Mon, 13:51:20 Google: sexfuck
06 Sep, Mon, 18:27:10 Google: "Lionel Ritchie" "Life has new meaning"


Friday, September 03, 2004

I'm going to Belgium for my holidays

...There can't be many people who are prepared to admit that. Even anonymously. Truly, this is the ultimate confessional blog.

in other news, actual life has annoyingly impinged on my blogging existence to the extent that i can't think of any way to return to the world of the pithy and obscene journalised entry.

i'd do a birdman-style bye bye but i don't need your sympathy. not unless it leads to sex.


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