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Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Place your bets...

Cardinal Pope Pious XII (7/1):
Fortuitously named by his devout parents, he will argue over the next week that he was born for the job. Said to have kept every school report and examination he has ever taken, all of which have perfect scores, to prove his infallibility.


The Pope (8/1):
He's done a cracking job and knows his way around town. Cannot be ruled out, the smart money is hoping for a beneficent 'clerical error'.


Cardinal Bessarabia (12/1):
Could be Pope anytime he wanted such is his influence. Said to be hanging on for the top job, he has actually turned it down twice. Whispers suggest he wants to be the last Pope or not at all.


Cardinal Schmuel Gribbenes of Lvov (16/1):
A surprise choice but wily enough to warrant inclusion. A Rabbi for 50 years, man and boy, just 2 weeks ago he decided to 'cross the floor' over an obscure urinal matter that has divided him from the majority of Talmudic scholars. The Catholic Church have welcomed him with open arms and hope very much that he'll start believing in Jesus one day.


Cardinal d'Oom (18/1):
A Belgian Nobleman who converted to Catholicism at the age of 2, he has all the right credentials for the top job, including money, power and god's email address. He is also pro-Abortion, advocating it particularly for Evangelicals. Even retrospectively.


Cardinal d'Evil d'Hell (20/1):
For years this most dynamic of cardinals has been plagued by persistent rumours that he is, in fact, the very Devil himself. He admits with candour that his leathery red face, horns, tail, trident, sulphourous scent and complete lack of pity for the suffering of all mankind might spark a minor suspicion but he also maintains his innocence, citing his involvement in Italian Politics and the Television Industry as proof that he cannot be 'all bad'. A close friend and confidante of Cardinal Bessarabia, he is never seen without his familiar, Al-Paco Tjewit, Bishop of Mendez and professional goat.


Cardinal Ximenez Don Challeraz of Wexham (AKA The Walking Man)
(40/1):
Little known and little but hugely influential in reviving the practice of the giving of alms, especially to the lame. In fact, he's been known to give whole men if the mood takes him. Has strong ties to the Japanese business community. Will probably remain an obscure joke for 4 or 5 individuals.


Cardinal Rugeley (50/1):
A man wholly without morals, he regularly has big-tit sex with his live-in maid and thinks it's funny to pre-empt Cardinal Nutgroist with a much funnier list of possible cardinals which makes this one seem fucking rubbish in comparison.

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