Saturday, December 25, 2004

I hope you liked my tribute to the Holy Ghost, there


It's about this time of year i start wondering...What Would Judas Do?

tell you something, this retirement lark is a slice of piss. i shall do it more often

Let's see, it's half past two on xmas day, the turkey and figgy pudding are getting to know eachother in your tummy, it's half an hour to go til the Queen's Speech and you're already bored of your presents. What else is there to do but search on the internet for some gentle query?

and find me...

25 Dec, Sat, 00:30:27 http://www.google.com/search?q=babicide&sourceid=mozilla-search&start=0&start=0&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-a&rls=org.mozilla:en-US:official
25 Dec, Sat, 01:28:24 http://jonnybillericay.blogspot.com/
25 Dec, Sat, 01:36:14 http://scaryduck.blogspot.com/
25 Dec, Sat, 02:23:13 http://search.naver.com/search.naver?where=nexearch&eq=%B0%C5%B1%E2&hw=1&query=cuntbusting&Image.x=36&Image.y=2
25 Dec, Sat, 05:18:10 http://www.google.com/search?q=martha+rosler+lounging+woman&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8
25 Dec, Sat, 11:07:22 http://virgin-slut.blogspot.com/
25 Dec, Sat, 11:08:12 http://www.zalzadore.blogspot.com
25 Dec, Sat, 12:54:47 http://uk.search.msn.com/results.aspx?ps=ba%3d(0.30)0....(.)0.%26co%3d(0.15)
25 Dec, Sat, 12:57:49 http://owdo.blogspot.com/
25 Dec, Sat, 14:17:11 http://search.naver.com/search.naver?where=nexearch&query=cuntbusting&hw=1

You'd have to say that's pretty sad, huh?

the only thing sadder that i can think of would be a blogger checking their stats on xmas day just to see who's reading and why.

and a definitely new year

no seriously, like, i wish you all a very nearly christmas

...sleigh-bells roasting on an open fire

A happy groistmas one and all, i hope you enjoy my semi-retirement as much as i dont


Friday, December 24, 2004

Hurry! Only none shopping days left til Xmas...

..not even a moose


Wednesday, December 22, 2004

So it has come to this. I have nothing more to say. And no means by which to not say it. Until I come back to this blog, I leave you with a little special that i'd been saving for just the proper occasion.

The Friar: slice of toast?
Nutgroist: hot buttered snatch
Nutgroist: and a steaming mug of lovely
The Friar: two fried yes pleases and a fresh brewed mug of that's just what i needed
The Friar: grilled leg of egg on a bed of roast toast
Nutgroist: :-D
Nutgroist: remember: deep fried brick of butter, panfried in butter and topped off with a slice of fresh butter
The Friar: 12" muesli pizza with a sachet of milk dip
Nutgroist: how much for the 2 boiled bread and the tomato and Steven broth?
The Friar: having trouble staying online? may i suggest grant's virtual glue?
Nutgroist: mine's a partly-cooked frozen hot frosties in a sauce of genuine concern
The Friar: :-D
The Friar: twenty chips please
Nutgroist: having trouble staying off-line? why not use a lawnmower to access the internet - 24/0
Nutgroist: 8-)
Nutgroist: a nice plate of egg and chip, please ta
The Friar: for a faster connection - jenkins' condensed soul of I.T.
Nutgroist: for a slower connection - Dr Stevedore's Steam-Powered Frustration Engine Modem Device - .56k/h at only 2 coals per minute
The Friar: can i have large chips, open and wrapped, a can of carbonated fish, and a large fried fanta
Nutgroist: :-P
Nutgroist: would you like some chips or an egg with that Brown Sauce, sir?
The Friar: large doner, no meat, onions, salad, sauce or bread please
Nutgroist: burger and chips please mate - can you take the bits of fat out of the burger please? and the chips?
The Friar: plate of raw money and a pint of suitcase please
Nutgroist: your self-service eat-in only restaurant please, to go
The Friar: can i have a loaf of tasty and two iced naughties please
Nutgroist: i'll have the special, please? what? there's not special today? ok, in that case, i'll have the special
The Friar: :-)
The Friar: can i have one undetected murder and a thousand sleepless nights please
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: gimme a pint of milk, some strawberry flavouring, two straws and a 4.9 on the Richter scale earthquake please
The Friar: roast cress Sally Gunnell please
Nutgroist: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nutgroist: i'll have a roast thicket of hawthorn and a dozen poached roses
The Friar: i'll have a lofty vantage point and my wife will have the same. well done please, thanks, well done. well done.
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: just half a glass of spit please - i'm not feeling very well
The Friar: :-D
Nutgroist: i'll have the live crow and no cutlery please
The Friar: can i have the boiled victory in europe with cold cold war to follow
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: (choking)
Nutgroist: we'd like to order a large plate of boiled clams - can you leave the steamed waiter's hand attached please?
The Friar: a plate of huntsman's disgust please
Nutgroist: a poached poacher and a boiled boiler please - with a fried friar for mains
The Friar: can i have the vegetarian pig with cauliflower snout and pickled curly-waggers
Nutgroist: i'll have the vegetarian too please - does she come with or without her 1970's purple VW Beetle?
The Friar: my wife will have the sunday roast, peter is going for the ceasar salad, oh but i'm not eating, so just a double cheeseburger and fries for me, thanks. actually i'll have the battered goat as well. how is it battered?
Nutgroist: I'll have the bleak future on a plate of crushed hopes and dreams please. And a lovely cup of tea
The Friar: :-)
Nutgroist: What's this thing on the menu here? P-o-o? What's that like, then? Oooh, lovely
The Friar: can i just have a glass of water please. actually no, make that a pint of snakebite
Nutgroist: what's the most expensive drink you've got in the building? Really? Wow! I'll just have a sherry please
The Friar: do you take nothing?
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: Lobster please? Oh, sorry, I didn't realise. I suppose I should have guessed from the uniforms and those little stars on your shirt. Sorry. Well, in that case, i'll have a Bacon Double Lobster Burger and WineShake, thanks
The Friar: :-)
The Friar: can i have the mcpate de fois gras and a half bottle of mcdom perignon please.
Nutgroist: I'd have liked a happy meal please. But unfortunately, I can't have it because I'm recently bereaved. Do you have a Sad Meal for me and the kids?
The Friar: i'll have alphabet soup please, but for god's sake leave out the p's this time - you know they disagree with me.
The Friar: by the way - Sad Meal for me and the kids deserves a 8-)
Nutgroist: i know this is going to sound funny but what i'd really like is for a really busty waitress to feed me her roast tits with a wistful tear in her eye. And some beans
The Friar: my fat girlfriend will have a chicken mcteenagepregnancy and i'll go for the filet o' scum
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: I'll have a Kentucky Fried Chicken please. Oh, this is Burger King? Ok, well, here's £3.50, now pop round the corner and go and get me one. Thanks in advance
The Friar: i met a pimp the other day who is working a hermetic prostitute...
Nutgroist: ?
The Friar: he's the owner of a lonely tart
Nutgroist: nice
Nutgroist: Barman, can you pack these pints into a doggie bag please?
The Friar: i'll have a pint of wife's curse and a list of local cells please
Nutgroist: two halves of what you fancy and a flagon of what you don't please
The Friar: something you don't have on a bed of something you do please
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: bottle of Old Pernicious and a pint of Cornish Pastybeer if you don't mind
The Friar: a bottle of trouble and a packet of cheese regrets please
Nutgroist: Evening. can you call an ambulance and then stick a pint glass in my face please - save us both a lot of bother come 20 minutes past last orders
The Friar: :-)
The Friar: please don't serve me, you'll regret it
Nutgroist: just a nice milkshake i think. And can you possibly attach this pipe to my bum please?
The Friar: i'd like a drink you've never served before - no mixing, just one pure drink of something you have on sale that you have never, ever served before. thanks.
Nutgroist: (wetting myself)
The Friar: a pint of memories and a good strong hanky please barman. and if you see her.....no, it doesn't matter.
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: how much are those salted peanuts? what about the dry roasted? alright then, just a packet of plain peanuts please. and a packet of salt. is there somewhere around here i can plug my oven in?
The Friar: give me something that will give me the strength to do bloody murder, and hurry up, i've got work to do.
Nutgroist: pint of bitter please. Ice and a slice.
The Friar: pint of stella and a packet of ready salted please...oh, and do you have a gay machine here?
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: pint of guinness. and a world record
The Friar: alright dave, i'm fucking going for it tonight - just been sacked and my wife's left me and took the kids with her. i'll have a babycham.
Nutgroist: excuse me Barman, look i'm in a dreadful hurry and i don't really want a drink. can i use your phone? it's a real emergency. Thanks a lot, mate. "Hello, is that the Nag's Head? Get a pint of John Smith's ready - i'm on my way"
The Friar: (the best!!!)
Nutgroist: thank you
Nutgroist: i almost choked when i was writing it
Nutgroist: but please,,,,,,continue....
The Friar: i fucking love it - i'm wetting myself
Nutgroist: oh god i cant stop laughing
Nutgroist: im shaking
The Friar: nor me - this is fucking killing me
Nutgroist: crying
Nutgroist: pain
Nutgroist: stomach pain
Nutgroist: seriously
The Friar: i know
The Friar: alright, let's go on - next line coming up...
The Friar: double racism disguised by a live football match and some male bonding please
Nutgroist: just gimme a pint of your best customer and the keys to your contract
The Friar: hi, sorry i'm knew to these parts, just moved in yesterday. can i have a sip of your slender wife?
Nutgroist: i'm trying to find the King's Head. This is it? Well i never. Thanks. Bye
The Friar: !!!
The Friar: is it true that this pub is on a ley-line? do you have sky sports?
Nutgroist: Good evening Barman. No.
The Friar: me next! oh come on i've been standing here for ages! oh, hi, thanks - is there a good pub you could recommend around here?
Nutgroist: Just a pint for me and a 3 hour glassy-eyed stare from the vicious looking fellow chewing his hand over in the corner of the room please
The Friar: hi, i'm staying at the travelodge down the road. goodbye.
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: do you do bar food? great - well, i'll have a 'bar' of chocolate, a 'bar-sket' of crisps and a can of 'bar's irn-bru thank you very much
The Friar: hi, so this is the crown then - very nice. look, i was supposed to meet a colleague, a red-haired woman in a dark business suit, about 5ft 5, talks with a northern accent. i think she's possibly carrying a leather brief case as well. i said i'd see her at 6. what's the time now? half five? oh, ok, well i'm meeting her at the nag's head anyway, so i've got time for a pint here. pint of stella please.
Nutgroist: do you have any illegal drinks on sale? Well then you're under arrest - anything you say may be taken...oh, you don't? sorry, i thought you said you do. Pint please.

note: edited for clarity, identity and racism. hope you enjoy it, it's the last thing gonna be on the blog for a while.


Tuesday, December 21, 2004

The use and diagnosis of Gay Bowel Syndrome must be abandoned before it further lends itself to the formation of social policies and governing practices that seek to force gay male bodies into positions of social, cultural, and political subordination.

Is there a less appropriate way on earth to put that?

this graceful cynicism arrived in my mailbox today, courtesy of my ever-so-slightly-left-of-centre pal:

Did I point out the 'coincidence' of Blunkett's resignation being officially due to a tip-off from Alan Budd that there was a paper trail leading to a fast-tracked visa, and the next day seeing 8 out of 9 Law Lords condemning the behaviour of a Home Office which, with the sponsorship of the PM, locks people up without charge or representation. Such is democracy. Complete with dog tags.

keep 'em coming, Trotters


Saturday, December 18, 2004

dragged myself back from the Porterhouse at 3.30 this morning to find my dearest in bed already, having somehow made it back from Fame which we were both surprised she even made it to, despite it being a friend's birthday celebrations. i stagger, quite literally, into the bedroom and after removing the glasses and book from the sleeping beauty's face (and she really is asleep but as ever conscious) demand to know the passage of her evening...

how was your night then? did you have a good time?

-i danced with a dwarf

what?!?! you DANCED with a DWARF?


how did that happen? how big was it?

-it's not an it. it was a he. he asked me.

what dyou mean? a dwarf came and asked you to dance? and you said 'yes'?


how big was he? where did he come up to?

-here (she points to her belly. she's 5 foot 2 if she's lucky)



goodnight then



Wednesday, December 15, 2004

thinking about it, the most horrifying way in which it could have been discovered that a lamb's intestine makes a good, snug fit around a man's erect penis is also, by far, the most likely.


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

It's good to see someone's got a long memory these days. Hats off to Dick O'Brien and the other Backseat Drivers - an irish political blog that as often as not lets the news stories make the point for them.

Meanwhile, we await Mark Steyn's apology for talking shite.

You know what they say around these parts: Might as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb. With that in mind I wonder if anyone's ever tried to fuck a sheep wearing one of these? It's some kind of wank in the face for Karma, no?

And take a look at the second user review. It's by this lady who is UTTERLY INSANE - 118 amazon reviews and all of them loopy. I think i'm in love.

I have a novel writing competition. I come up with the first totally original line and then you write the rest of the story based on my original line. Novel / novel. Do you see? I hope you do. Now although it's all derived from my own ideas, im not totally heartless so i say we split the royalties fifty-fifty. Here we go then....

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed
into a gigantic chav

we hosted the mother-in-common-law this weekend and whilst it was predictably heavy-going there were some lighter moments. We got her to cook us a grand meal and I filmed the lot of it so we won't forget how it's done. An excellent lamb curry (although i still think mine's better), lentil+chili cakes, Cassava with cardamom and milk and the absolute winner - Crab Soup. We'd driven out to Cooliemore Harbour in Dalkey to buy a couple of crabs but ended up with 18 of the buggers. We'd been told they were 5 euro for a kilo, so we asked for a kilo and the guy just kept stuffing a big bag with them. didn't bother weighing them or anything - just felt it was about right. I tried to say it was too many but i felt my masculinity was being challenged if we couldn't prove we can't handle our crunchy fresh sea-spiders so in the end we just thought it easier to take them home, eat as many as we can and the ones we don't use release back into the wild or maybe keep as pets (if i had chucked them into the river, would they have made it 15 minutes downstream to the sea? What if i dip it in some sea salt first?). Anyway, the MILC was quite happy to demonstrate her crab-preparing skills for us. Here's what happened when we opened the bag at home...

me- Shall I boil up the big pan then?

'no, no, not til i've killed the crabs and cooked them first'

-right, so you don't think it's a good idea to plunge them into boiling water first to kill them?

'no, no, that's cruel. and you have to throw the water away. i do it the way i learned as a little girl'

-so, er, you want a spike, a skewer maybe? to stick into their heads and kill them?

'no, no, look. you..just...(CRACK)...like that'

And we watched in some shock as she picked up the first crab and simply ripped it apart. Pincers off first, then a knife to prise off the little flap where it keeps its bollocks at the back, and then a strange twisting motion with her hand which makes a crunchy sound and then finally sticking a knife in and literally sawing it in two. The crab would have died around about the sawing-in-two stage i'd guess but that didnt stop its legs moving in the bowl and its eyes and tendrils flapping about in the sink for some time afterwards. What can i say? the LOOK on the crab's face was, i hate to say it, PRICELESS. Well, if not priceless then certainly one that said 'oh SHIT. This is IT. I'm being pulled a-FUCKING-part!' It knew. It really did. And we knew. And the look in its beady eyes told me it knew i knew. And the funny thing is, that amidst all the horror of seeing these 18 shanty-spiders get chopped to scrunchy shreds, being confronted with their questioning, pleading little red eyes as they are turned into soup, witnessing 18 little crab souls released from their hard brown compact shells and remembering all the times i'd thought about watching things die and how horrible, deeply horrible it is, i had the most surprising and rattling emotion rise to the fore of my consciousness:- Which is to say, i found i didn't give a fucking shit. I could only think of the delicious soup to come.

Here's the recipe, should you care to do it...

Take 18 crabs and brutally, mercilessly slaughter them with your bare hands and a shit knife. Make sure each of them wait their turn and see exactly what awaits them. Clean out all the gunk and meanwhile fry a chopped onion in olive oil for a few minutes. 2 cloves of chopped garlic in next and then the crabs. let them cook on a medium heat until they change colour , then chop in one fresh tomato and stir it round a bit. add two tablespoons of freshly-ground cumin and stir. 5 minutes later, 2 tablespoons of top quality curry-powder (the shit stuff WILL ruin it) and stir some more. 5 minutes later cover in water and then some, bring to the boil and let simmer for as long as you want. add salt to taste. surprisingly, no chilis are needed since the powder makes it bastard-hot. that's not to say that frying a few at the start wont add to the flavour cos it will. but it'll be more fruity than chili hot which is no bad thing i suppose. the final soup should have a strong hint of caramel flavour to it, presumably from the sweetness of the crab meat and shells.


Monday, December 13, 2004

via the blogroll of the greatBlogadoon i found this blogger who has assisted in making up some helpful new meanings to old words. In an ideal world, he'd be writing scripts for the newly-gay Two Ronnies. More power to your penis, mate

Out at the Forty Foot Pool in Sandycove to display to our mad guest a more healthy form of insanity, that of stout Irishmen and women swimming in the mid-December sea for fun. As we walk out from the rocks back to the car a man passes my female companions who are some steps in front of me. He is on his way to the 'pool', about 50 years old and wearing a black wetsuit. He says:

'Just in case you was wonderin' Ladies, i'm auditioning for a part in Baywatch'

and before they've even stopped laughing, he's moved on and is replaced by his friend, about the same age but in dry-land clothes. He just looks at them and without missing a beat says:

'More like Gaywatch'


Thursday, December 09, 2004

Move along...nothing to see here...


Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Danke Nutgroist! Du bist ein krazy mutter! Entschuldigung fur meine Englische bad!

Im Winter des Jahres 1919 und noch mehr im Frühjahr und Sommer 1920 wurde die junge Partei gezwungen, zu einer Frage Stellung zu nehmen, die schon im Kriege zu außerordentlicher Bedeutung emporstieg. Ich habe im ersten Band in der kurzen Schilderung der mir persönlich sichtbar gewordenen Merkmale des drohenden deutschen Zusammenbruchs auf die besondere Art der Propaganda hingewiesen, die sowohl von seiten der Engländer als auch der Franzosen zur Aufreißung der alten Kluft zwischen Nord und Süd stattfand. Im Frühjahr 1915 erschienen die ersten systematischen Hetzblätter gegen Preußen, als den Alleinschuldigen am Kriege. Bis zum Jahre 1916 war dieses System zu einem vollständigen, ebenso geschickten wie niederträchtigen Ausbau gekommen. Die auf die niedersten Instinkte berechnete Verhetzung des Süddeutschen gegen den Norddeutschen begann auch schon nach kurzer Zeit Früchte zu tragen. Es ist ein Vorwurf, den man gegen die damaligen maßgebenden Stellen sowohl in der Regierung wie auch in der Heeresleitung — besser, in den bayerischen Kommandostellen — erheben muß, und den diese nicht von sich abschütteln können, daß sie in gottverblendeter Pflichtvergessenheit nicht mit der notwendigen Entschlossenheit dagegen eingeschritten sind. Man tat nichts! Im Gegenteil, an verschiedenen Stellen schien man es gar nicht so ungern zu sehen und war vielleicht borniert genug, zu denken, daß durch eine solche Propaganda nicht nur der Einheitsentwicklung des deutschen Volkes ein Riegel vorgeschoben werden würde, sondern daß damit auch automatisch eine Stärkung der föderativen Kräfte eintreten


I'd like to thank Rugeley for guest blogging for the last 7 days or so. Although not yesterday cos that stuff was just offensive to billions of true believers. I don't think anyone has the right to talk about Mel Gibson in that way. But you can read more about the further adventures of Rugeley on his wildly successful blog when he gets one.
Anyhow, nothing publishable has happened to me in a week or two and i just can't be bothered to make something up, so i'm passing it over to my new guest blogger, a plucky little fellow banged up in some european jail who sent me a fan letter. I think he's got a lot of guts and could well go far. He's actually working on a book and has asked me to publish a few excerpts, just to get some feedback. First post to come above...


Tuesday, December 07, 2004

OK, I hold my hands up, I watched 'Passion of the Christ' on Sunday. I didnt pay for it mind, it was lent to me, but still...

If not the most anti-Semetic film ever made ('Schindlers List' holds that title - just kidding), then its certainly one of the silliest, most needlessly violent, most childish films ever made. If you've seen Braveheart , just substitute William Wallace for Jesus and fill in the blanks. And in typical Catholic fashion, Jesus seems to have originated from somewhere near Somerset. Despite attempting authenticity by using Aramaic and Latin with subtitles, there appears to be not one black or arab man in the entire film. Of course, the middle east was populated entirely by europeans ! how silly of me! Most of the disciples look like drummers from early 70s rock acts. (was that Cozy Powell as Peter I noticed ? maybe not...) . and naturally, every Jew in the film (apart from Jesus course) looks suitably crooked-nosed and conniving in a 30s Nazi poster kinda way.
The violence is relentless. If you like blood, piss, snot, blood and more blood, you'll love this film. There was so much violence, that I was nearly put off my Monica Belucci wank....you selfish bastard Mel ! if you want to spread your dirty doctrine in the future, how about making a film that kids can go and see ?! Start em early mate...!
ok, so Gibbo's tried to make a personal, authentic, deeply religious film - FAIR ENOUGH. but when he includes a flashback scene which seems to intimate that Jesus invented dinner tables (he truly IS the Son of God) , it's a liberty too far.

*SPOLIER* If you havent seen it and don't want to/can't be bothered to sit through the whole ordeal, just fast-forward to the end (just after the crucifixion) - as his body rises into the sky, a single tear falls onto the ground. aaah, how poetic. but wait !!!! his tear crashes onto the ground, causing an earthquake which shakes the ground and cracks the Temple in two. A devastated Caiphas falls to his knees going 'what have i done?' - JESUS CHRIST !!!!!

I know George Lucas won't be reading this, but if he's thinking of casting any more Jedi Knights for future Star Wars films, he could do far worse than Jim Caviezel. He has the beard, the looks, and has the experience of playing a character with mythical super-powers. (and his light-sabre skills in 'Passion of the Christ' were top-notch.) Come on George, give him a bell !!!

I look forward to the Directors Cut on DVD, where I hear the out-takes are hilarious...


review coming, but here's a quick top ten:


1) It was on a free trial from Blockbuster.

2) It's, like, got tons of gore in it.

3) I suspected I was anti-Semetic, but just wanted to make sure,

4) Monica Bellucci's quite tasty in it.

5) I was impressed with Mel Gibson's previous forays into directing and admired his fair and balanced portrayals in films like 'Braveheart'.

6) I had some Latin homework to do before Monday and needed some help.

7) I'd been to church that morning and found the traditional sermon a little 'dry'

8) I'm completely dyslexic and thought I was renting 'Cannonball Run 2'

9) I was possessed by the Devil shortly after watching Hinckley v Brentford on BBC1 and he made me do it.

10) I'm crazy that way



Friday, December 03, 2004

10 crazy facts from the world of cinema:

1) Lawrence Olivier got into the character of Zeus so much while filming 'Clash of the Titans', he sometimes turned himself into a swan on set, causing multiple retakes.

2) The first film ever made in 1890 featured a cameo by T4 presenter Vernon Kaye.

3) Actress Julia Roberts has named her new-born twins Dempsey and Makepeace.

4) Legendary director Alfred Hitchcock was allergic to women.

5) Peter Mayhew, who played Chewbacca in the Star Wars films, is only 3' 6'' tall in real life. Conversely, Kenny Baker who played R2-D2, is a towering 6'11'' and has to curl up into a ball to fit inside the robot costume.

6) ...and Star Wars director George Lucas got the idea for the space epics from a rather pleasant wet dream he had as a young teenager.

7) Marlon Brando was initially chosen for the role that Sharon Stone would play in 'Basic Instinct', but producers felt his fanny was 'too saggy'.

8) Sir Ian McKellen, Anne Bancroft and Renee Zellwegger are all world-class Quake III players.

9) Mel Gibson is planning a sequel to 'Passion of the Christ' where Jesus rescues a group of American aid workers from Iraqi terrorists.

10) In terms of box-office receipts, the most successful film of the 1980s was 'No Retreat, No Surrender 2'


TV choices:

9pm Channel 4 - Top 100 Spectrum Loading Screens : Stuart Maconie wanks on about all the computer games he never played as a kid.

11pm - BBC2 - Open University Late Night Poker: Modules 2b and 4c - Euclidian Theory and Bluffing on 2 pairs. (jacks over 10s)

9:30pm - ITV - FILM: I'm Jenny Agutter, Get Me Out of Here (1974) - Jenny Agutter stars as a young woman terrorised by her clothes.

8:00am BBC2 - CBeebies: Including Scooby-Doo, Tweenies, Teletubbies and Cannibal Holocaust: The Animated Series.

7:00am Channel 4 - BBC2



Thursday, December 02, 2004

Slough v Yeading - Slough will be featured on BBC1's seminal Football Focus this Saturday at 12:15pm. so watch it.

Yeading manager Johnson 'Drax' Hippolyte was, before becoming a non-league football manager, an unsuccessful meglomaniac, once attempting to destroy the world and form a new colony of his own in space. with space shuttles. it failed, due to the unlikely and annoying intervention of James Bond, but after a short sojourn floating in space, he returned to Earth and returned to his early passion of football, earning his coaching badges in style and settling down in urban Yeading where he remains to this day.


(starting a conversation about my mum, a nurse, finding a new job) :

Rugeley the Younger: What if mum got a job at your company and starting playing Quake III Arena but got really good at it, going on to the Quake III Arena World Championships in Japan next year?

Rugeley: i'd be amazed quite frankly. ......Considering everyone knows she's spent the last 3 years on the Ward refining her skills at Halo with the patients' XBox

Rugeley the Younger: Mum would win every time not because she was good at Halo but because of the patients' inability to hold an XBox joypad properly, due to the fact they were shaking and dribbling too much

Rugeley: i think you'll find that in a majority of cases, the dribbling and shaking was caused by TOO MUCH Xbox gameplay in their youth. (from playing the relatively unknown wartime version of X-Box that was made out of a box. - although Medal Of Honour was more lifelike back then...)


Good Luck to my local team Slough Town FC in the FA Cup 2nd Round this Saturday, of which I will be attending. Slough are currently languishing 1 below bottom in the Michael Nyman League Division 2 and need a good result to lift their spirits. Come on you, er, SLOUGHS !



Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Rugeley's Gambling Diary

Saturday 4th December:



4:45 Windsor: £5 Each-Way - ROBERT SMITH IS THE CURE (10/1, Hills)

8:23 Feltham Young Offenders Racecourse: £20 WIN - SLAP HER, SHE'S DAWN FRENCH (3/1, all bookies)

4:30am Dogcaster: £5 each-way - £5 EACH-WAY (5/1 generally)



Arsenal v Birmingham - £10 on Patrick Vieira giving birth at any point during the match (12/1, Corals)

Aston Villa v Liverpool - £5 on less than 2 balls being played with during the match at any 2 times (3/1, Dave the Bastard Bookmakers, Slough)

Chelsea v Newcastle - £50 on Man Utd winning this match in normal time. (10/1 Benny Hills)



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