Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Someone give this man a job before he takes the piss out of you and yours:

Wednesday, June 29, 2005
JOBS!!!JOBS!!!JOBS!!! Junior Copywriter (Trainee) - The London Museum of Antiquities SW3 £££Competitive£££

The London Museum of Antiquities has been at the forefront of past-artefact presentation since its foundation in 1907. Such was the museum’s reputation that during the Second World War its management committee was given overall responsibility for the safe evacuation of threatened historical pieces from central London galleries and storage houses. It is a reputation we are proud to uphold today.

Of course, modern oldness-showcasing falls very much inside the boundaries of advanced binary business logic, spearheaded by a variety of corporate marketing thrusts and the recent completion of a multi-million pound branding rape.

As part of its ongoing market siege, the Museum is currently looking for a living, breathing paradox to plug into its seamless infrastructure. To succeed as a junior trainee, you must be a lover of history with a deadly serious educational qualification to prove this, as well as an ambitious corporate professional with at least 29 years experience writing top level copy for at least 15 heavyweight players in the world of international museumry. Possessed of the nous to say when something is not working, and the tact to remain silent when something is wrong, you will be a mature child-like ex-spy with the ability to eat fire and showing a portfolio of dangerous stunts performed on foreign soil, at least five of which must have made it into the Guinness Book of Records. An exemplary military record in any pre-1945 conflict is a definite plus, as well as proof of having survived a terrorist attack by any established para-military organisation in South East Asia.

The successful applicant will be required to work some unsociable hours, making their work for the Museum the essential spine of their very existence from which the limp, withering limbs of their relationships and private interests will hang. In return you can expect a very competitive* package, staring at £11,000 per annum for a probationary period of 5 years, rising to £11,500 per annum subject to management approval. A free season ticket loan is available to bankrupt you should you initially have problems meeting the £15+ per day travel expenses associated with getting to and from the most urbanised and populated few square miles of Great Britain every day.

Competition for this vacancy is expected to be very strong, so even if you fulfil all of the above criteria in abundance, please do not be disappointed if we immediately bin your application without thought of reply.

The London Museum of Antiquities is an equal opportunities employer.

*Competitive with unskilled manual labour rates in the developing world in the period 1967-1975. Based on figures published by the Tenth Annual Convention of the International Crusade Against Poverty, 2005.

posted by Friar Cous Cous


Friday, June 24, 2005

Thanks to Friar Couscous for entertaining me this afternoon with a mutual q&a session, quite advertently providing me with something to blog. no point in saying who wrote what since we share the same sense of humour anyway (although the bastard seems to have controlling stock)

1. About whom was the song "We Are The World" written?

It was written by, for and about the entire population of the world, Earth - our planet, as a theme song to the hungry ones. Unfortunately crediting the composition to all 5.5 billion people at the time meant that the cost of distributing the royalties equally amongst the writers was a lot more trouble than it was worth. it also had a negative effect on record sales, since everyone that worked on the record was entitled to a complimentary free copy.

2. But tell me, please, which came first - the tortoise or the hare?

the reason that the tortoise was so slow was that he was constantly fiddling with his gibblets under his shell - or what we would term 'polishing the policeman's hat' - this distracted him from racing. the hare had no such distractions and was able to run very fast, but, as is in legend and myth re-told, became over-confident and sat down for a rest - the tortoise ovetook the hare and the rest is mythtory. but who did come first? well, it was the tortoise, who came at 1min 18sec, 4mins 12sec, 13min 49sec and 19min 01sec

3. what is the highest peak on earth?

Doug Mount Joy

...or is it Peak Freens, the famed European Biscuit mountain, found next to the legendary Cresta creamsoda lake?

4. What is the lowest sea on earth?

It is recorded officially as being performed by the one with the baritone voice in The Temptations' 1969 smash 'I Can't Get Next To You'.

5. How much would you get for a basket of eggs in 1899 Paris?

as you well know, there was a money drought in end-of-the-cycle Paris at that time then and profound hunger came at a price, so it was all barter and haggle, stealing and flesh-eating - so a basket of eggs in them days there would've got you in return a fresh Jabberwock talon, a box-set of Hale and Pace dvds or a little chinaman. Although what you'd do with him without a basket of eggs i really do not know.

6. Remind me, when was the First World War?

Well, let's start by clearing one thing up - there never was a 'First World War' as such. As I have mentioned several times on Cous Cous, there was a 4 year operation to dig the world's first ever trans-national trenches between 1914 and 1918. As you may have read, this was instigated by the Franco-German Trans-European Beer Pipe Project. Certainly, differences of opinion between the different national contractors led to some stand-offs and casualties were sustained. However, most of the people said to have been killed in the 'First World War' were in fact beer pipe trench workers who succumbed to the return of the Sky Claw in early 1919.

7. Now, what was the firm behind Britain's successful comedy duo, Little and Large?

Little and Large were, from the start, a front for a money-laundering operation involving hundreds of pounds. If any private investigators had cared to investigate privately they would have discovered that the name Syd Little was in fact merely a stage-name, his real name being Syd Smithers. Eddie Large's real name is Edward Large. They were forcibly hooked up together and given a bunch of third-hand piss-poor routines to tour round the country with and entertain the fatfaced masses - the plan was never to be successful, obviously - all in the service of a pair of bent policeman turned underworld overlords who needed to convert their wicked millions into clean, fresh moneyola. No one knows for sure who they are. No-one. Not even the people involved. Not even the people i'm about to name. But it's almost a complete certainty that The Firm behind Messrs Little and Large are none other than the infamous duo of terror Mr Thomas Cannon and Mr Robert Ball.

8. Why did the Kidney cross the road?

Because it thought it could get away with it. Several other bodily organs had crossed the road before then, with no apparent signs of retribution. However, little did they, and the kidney, know, that the road was waiting until it had been crossed one too many times, at which point it would unleash an awful retribution on all of those who had crossed it in the past. This happened on 27 August 1978, which has become known as 'The 27th of August 1978', when 23 bodily organs, including the unfortunate kidney, were pulped in a professional hit. B. A. Robertson (B.A. Hons) later released a song immortalising that day. It is called '27.8.78'.

9. How and when do street lamps get installed?

Traditionally, as the snows melt and winter turns to spring, we see the first baby street lamps, or lamplets as i'm deciding to call them, begin to shoot up and reflect back the very rays of the new rising sun upon which they owe their shitty lives. Ever since they were first planted back when man discovered how to tame the curse of electricity, these seedlings have been growing quite naturally without human intervention. However, a recent report by the British and Commonwealth Research Institute for Lovely Roads indicates that some additional nurturing and possible force-breeding may be required to keep up with current levels of increasing darkness. Especially at night.

10. How do MI6 recruit people these days?

Firstly, they advertise through local agencies for mundane jobs, such as bakery assistant, trainee fire engine cleaner, till slag or road navvy. They then monitor the recruits in their mundane roles and assess them for their ability to carry out spy work. Exactly how this assessment is performed remains classified. Workers who are classed as fit to spy are then turned 'operational'. Not that they are ever told - they just continue with their mundane jobs, being used, unawares, by MI6 as information-mules. This has been the practice since 1989, when it was decided that undercover operatives do a better job if they don't know that they are undercover, or operatives.

11. What does drugs do to people?

Drugs kill, first by getting you really really stoned, and then when you're all lovely and high they nip in round the back of your house and steal all your stuff. When you discover this, you attempt to take it back off of them but they cause a public scene, usually in Camden Market on a busy Saturday in June, and you're forced to flee smelling of incense and jossticks. Only later, when you return home and your drugs are there, romancing your family, do you decide to have it out with them there and then. Unfortunately, drugs have a lot more knife skills than you and you end up getting stabbed in the torso. To death, of course. It's the same old story, every single time

12. But where does Life come from?

'Life', or 'Death', as it is never called, comes from two sources, which combined in the late 1950s to produce the early prototype, 'Vitality'. The two sources, Jacques Santa-Crumbs and Heidi Phlegmar Bichbegone, then known simply as ViePotentialA and ViePotentialB were, at the time of their famous experiment, floating in ether just off the coast of Maybe, when they started, very slowly, to make love. They did this several times, using a then non-existent Jacques Loussier record to loosey they. After ninth months, a little life was born, which they badged 'Vitality'. 'Vitality' was killed by Satan in 1961, but the couple kept trying and eventually succeeded in creating an ongoing life form, Bartholomew, in 1967, and the presence of that Life gave life back to them, so they became Jacques and Heidi. Only through these events was the chicken and the egg mystery invented then solved.

13. But what goes bang in the night?

You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and know something's not quite right? It could have happened to you in childhood, it could have been on that caravan holiday in Trinidad, or perhaps it's a recurring sensation you get every now and again, every now? Either way, you throw back the curtains, look out upon a scene of unexpectedness and notice, out of the corner of your eye, the complete absence of everything. Then a little spark in your brain starts a slow fire that quickly smoulders into a burning torrent of fire and hotness that says, with all it's chemico-transformative might - , oh no, there's been another nuclear war.
No-one knows for sure, since all records were destroyed during the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that etc. but there do seem to have been an awful lot of them since the first atomic bomb was dropped. On Japan. In 1840. Hara-Kiri style.


Wednesday, June 22, 2005

You may know that the board game Monopoly was created during the Great Depression to show that unregulated, free market capitalism doesn’t work, since one person always ends up controlling everything.

But did you also know that Cluedo was created to demonstrate the futility of country house-based murder? Especially of colourful military men with oversized heads.

A lightbulb walks into a bar, goes up to the barman and says ‘got any lesbians?’

A meat pie walks into a bar and goes ‘I’d like a beer please barman’. And the barman says ‘im sorry sir, we don’t serve food’

Two years later, that meat pie won 50,000 pounds compensation in the biggest retail discrimination case of the decade. And the pub has closed down.


Tuesday, June 21, 2005

In the absence of anything interesting to blog...

So Jacob's can't call their sponge/orange/chocolate combination biscuit a Jaffa Cake because it's a trademark, which McVities' would quite convincingly argue has the potential to create some kind of brand confusion. So they went and called it Pim's (hold onto your stomachs here - short for 'Please Indulge My Senses')

No confusion there then


And back to Dublin, where "Duck Is Cool" and the underdog, no matter the colour or creed, will always get a bit of support


Heathrow Skyport trying too hard for the Plain English award, maybe?


Brighton is a nice liberal, gay-friendly city alright but even they have to have some rules I suppose


Whoever wrote this deserves to be put into the same mangle they just ran the English language through - and I was just starting to like Brighton


Saturday, June 18, 2005

i'm just here for the quack


Tuesday, June 14, 2005

I see that (Gawd save our gracious) Queen of England's been dishing out the birthday honours again. Well done to all the winners in this wonderfully meritocratic lucky dip:


Sir Billip Shakatak: once kicked very hard in the nuts by an angry Prince Philip on a shoot in Balmoral who later claimed he'd mistaken him for a grouse. Already a Knight of the Realm, he gets a spare

Anthony Shalamar: Often confused with Sir Billip Shakatak, the knighthood won't help to change things.


Rocco Sechs-surragat: Services to Prince Edward and his missus, Princess Sophie the Duchess of Wessex

Pen and Pencil: The most famous comedic double act of the whole of the 19-aydies, if you remember - one was tall, fat, curly haired, agressive, from up north, bad eyesight, had a funny surname and resembled a blue-inked, plastic-clad biro of some sort, the other was not. Widely thought to have lost their sense of humour around the time they started out in showbusiness, since they have found God by all accounts they are hilarious, though completely forbidden from public appearances.


Bunty Fawastoneaugh-Fawastoneaugh: Services to Prince Harry

Marina Loostoff: Services to Prince Harry


Dr Soothing, Head of the Legal Limbo wing of the Hush-Hush Hospital for the Congenitally Inbred: For services to Marina Loostoff and Bunty Fawathingummythingummy (see above)

Chicken Eggs: For services to the British breakfast industry, chicken eggs everywhere get an OBE. Well done boys. Eggshellent work.....*SPLUTTT!*

Order of the Chinless:-

Tobias Tobias-bias: For racial sensitivity classes to her Royal Highness Princess Lovely

Damien Dawggs-bohddi: For services to engorged Corgi testicles

Overseas honours:-

Ornette Coleman becomes a KBE for services to 60's free jazz and revolutionary black power

Bishop Desmond Tutu, Walid Jamblatt and Simon Motherfucker become companions of the Order of Innuendo


No Kings this year


Monday, June 06, 2005

Another holiday in honour of St Bank, another excuse for not blogging...


Friday, June 03, 2005

Tonight it's The Magic Numbers at The Village

Tomorrow it's Patrick Wolf at The Crawdaddy

Sunday it's Mrs Groist playing the skinflute Chez Moi

Monday it's The Matthew Herbert Big Band at Vicar St

Tuesday it's Jose Gonzalez at Whelan's

Wednesday it's Bobby Cocksocks at The Piss and Shit

It'd like to thank the global gnats' piss merchandisers for putting this festival on for me and giving my new best friend free tickets to all the above.


Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Also from The Friar, waking up at his computer terminal one morning, he discovered this document sitting in his Photoshop 'Just Done' folder. Nobody knows how it got there.

The Friar and I don't have regular conversations online....

F: The Venerable High Masters of the Order of St. Gonnymeathe

F: The Holy Victuallers of the Lord Prince Venison

F: Trustees of the Robes of St. Fadrigal

F: The Chosen Bowmen of King Menisci the Didactor

F: Noble Holders of the Flask of Tamfarty

N: The Perpetually Humble Walking Men of Antonius The Chalice Keeper

F: The Holy Sacredsmen of the Precious Spirit-Challis of Diviny

N: The Sovereign Godders of Fr. Gillygillygilly

F: Noble Fire-Tenders of St Bolus Suzerainty

N: Public Society of Royal St Dave the Cupbearer

F: Bogger's Ten Spiked Souls of Magni-Repentance

F: The Mosaic Supplicants of the One High-God Shabba de Gandhi

N: The Fandangles of The Order of Holy Frippery

F: The Verdant Vege-Ghosts of Old Father Somme

N: The Most Venerable Hospitallers in the flexi-service of the Dr King Monsignor Count Bauxite II

F: The Holy Bemedalled Stellar Generals in Chief of the Highest Most Chief God-God Sacredissimo III

F: The Exiled Yachtsmen of the Council of Omnishant Omnes Ex Catamarani Noah II

N: The Succulent Fleshpots of Old Garibaldi, Commander-in-Sheath of the Allied Carpets

N: The Chancellors of German Doom

F: Ubermen di Dei

N: The Anti-Pro-Ambivalents of Old Contraria, New Town

F: The Forgotten Predigaktors of Prehistevil

N: The Sworn Enemies of Badd

F: The Guardians of God's God

N: Descendants of Darimoor Dostoynosky, Doghead of Imperial Drussia

F: Friends and Family of the Late Tony Flames and Family

N: The Indentured Spume-polishers of Senator Han Van Thrusti, Big Bison of the Spadgibal Bubbling Bolloscs

F: Superimpollenated Spor-Balls of the Nasty Global Gay Fever

N: The Psycho-Solipsistic Sexiety of One-Armed Celibatio-Man-Bandits

Does anyone know of a good recipe for Fig Jam?


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