Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I am seriously going to send this today and i've asked for the tickets back because I have a feeling i'm going to have to go a bit further up the ladder to get what i want:

The Manager
Savoy Cinema
16-17 O’Connell St


Dear Sir / Madam:

On the 16th of October of this year, my partner and I attended a screening of the film Serenity, which was showing at the Savoy Cinema. I enclose the two ticket stubs as proof of purchase. I am not in the habit of asking for a refund but regrettably, I must request remuneration for the sum paid to see this film because it was shit.

Kind Regards


ps. Please return the ticket stubs because though the film was, as previously stated, ‘shit’ I still keep a billeted reminder of all the cinema screenings I have attended.


Friday, October 21, 2005

Personally, I've never admired a man who can stand up and proudly proclaim his religious beliefs simply because i'm horribly cynical that way. But anyone who can say they belong to one of these churches and follow the Doctrine listed on the right, well, they get my respect (though not my kids at sunday school)

So we only make up 0.2% of the world's population

But we're the top 0.2%

(and it's that attitude that might possibly not have done us a great deal of good over the years)

ok, 2 billion christians and only 13 million jews in the world. You won that one.

But at least my God's not a virgin.

...and nor's his Mum.


Monday, October 17, 2005

oh, also, a very happy global 'Go home with a stranger who offers to show you his cock collection' day.


Friday, October 14, 2005

Ive been tagged

thanks to the cog with no name

here's what you do...

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

that'd be this, then...

faraa3: father, forgive me, for i have sinned - i'm not a Catholic

well, it's a year and a half on and that still pertains, especially so today since:

a: i have sinned
b: i'm not a catholic
c: it was yom kippur yesterday, or jewish confession as it's also known
d: i'm *ahem* playing a high-ranking Catholic Priest this weekend.
e: no, really. I am.

I should explain something: since i decided to become a performer, i've been busy, creative, slightly manically happy and highly averse to writing this blog. i havent spent the time to figure out why but partly i think i'm trying to be funny in real life, which requires anything but dry, carefully thought out text-based writing on a blog. It's become an active pursuit, not something i can do safely at home at this desk. in fact, more interesting and amusing things have happened to me since i stopped blogging than ever before. life, on the whole, has been fun. i'll probably come back to this blog as the career wanes, as crises pile up again and, crucially, when i've got something funny to actually say.

so i'd like to tag the following bloggers with the same mission as above, since they are the five that actually read this from time to time. Apologies if you've already done this. i wouldnt know. i dont really read blogs anymore. not even mine.

The Girl
The Birdman
The Jonny
The Sal
The Friar


Monday, October 10, 2005

Your mother and I have decided to abort you
Looking at the way our lives are going
It’s for the best you don’t come through
Our veins have so much drugs a-flowing
Sexually we still love choking
And she refuses to give up smoking

Your mother and I have decided to report you
For being born without consent
That’s anti-rape in my book, sonny
Illegal having of life with intent
So stop getting on my tits, mate
As Ive said before, I just don’t lactate

Your mother and I have decided to deport you
For heinous crimes not writ in law
You gurgle and babble like some kind of baby
Talk proper english or leave this fair shore.
To be loved is so rare and to know is still rarer
So Life is unfair but death is unfairer


Saturday, October 01, 2005

Starting out in Stand-up Lesson 1: The Look

Every comedian has a unique style and presence, an approach to the stage and to their craft that literally sets them apart from the mass of inferior copycats. Every comedian. This thing, this indefinable quality that distinguishes them thusly, cannot be described but the word that comes closest is 'gimmick'. Who doesn't recall the famous things that are associated with many of the world's greatest comedians: Steve Martin's false teeth; Jay Leno's glass of whiskey; Eddie Izzard's face. So the best thing to do is look around you and find out what makes you special. Things to ask yourself are "Am i unusual in some way?", "Do I still have a wooden leg?", "Do I have a bumface?" and that sort of thing. Then, like the fat kid at school getting the wrong advice from an anti-bullying pamphlet, I suggest you play it up until you've got yourself an act. Don't do it calculatedly though or it wont be funny because you can't distance yourself like that. it's better to write from the heart, because if you're going to go up on stage and attempt to make a group of people better than you laugh sincerely, then you'd better be exposing all your vulnerabilities or they won't like you. I guarantee it.

How you appear to people is, according to a recent study, important in how they perceive you. It's not enough simply to be there in the room at the same time - you have to BE THERE in the room at the same time (my emphasis). It's about presence. It's about perception. It's about reality.
So, to the best of your abilites, make sure you're appealing to the eye. It's an unproven truism of many areas of life that the best looking people get the most success. That's obvious. It may be unfair but if you happen to be repulsively ugly you've probably accepted this long ago and won't quibble. Society will probably have got you into a keenly subordinate way of thinking long ago negotiated between your fragile self-image and a thousand pairs of staring, hostile eyes. And I use the term 'negotiated' in the most charitable sense: perhaps 'beaten into fearful, invisible anonymity in exchange for peace of mind' is a more appropriate term? Write in and tell me. Don't include a picture.
Anyway, the point is that if you're a bloke and you're wanting to do stand-up, you could have a go. That's fine. Just get your act together - probably the most important thing is hair-gel. You can't be a comedian without it (just ask bald also-rans like Harry Hill and, um, all the bald guys that never made it) because wild yet ruggedly attractive hair is the absolute deal-breaker when getting out on stage. I'm not saying i'm psychic (only a fellow medium can judge me on that one - and has) but when some skinny young twenty-something walks out into the spotlight, his highly original ramones t-shirt and purposeful leather wristband in place, unkempt hair going in more than one direction at once, then i know what you're probably thinking. 87% of you will think he's sexy (and that's regardless of sexual orientation [unless he's gay]) and the other 13% will already have had a wank and will be thinking about cheeseburgers. You'll all laugh, because (and i'm breaking the comedians' code here) the secret to all this is not what you say but who you get to say it for you. If you're not supremely confident in getting the message across, you're not going to develop such a skill by getting up on stage and dying in front of a million hateful faces every night for a few years. Simply give your jokes away and bask in the pride that comes from knowing you've genuinely helped someone.

Lesson 2: Starting your set

Try to open with a joke. That way the audience will know what they're going to be getting, it'll put them at ease and they'll be more inclined to like you. Too many comedians make the mistake of going out on stage and not having an opening joke - that's fundamentally wrong. They start with the second joke in their set, having simply skipped straight past their opener, making the second joke their de facto opener.

Lesson 3: Being Funny

Try to imagine something funny. Got it? Right, keep it in your head and go out on stage (now if possible) - the funny thought must stay in your awareness at all times, therefore allowing you to be amused yourself because as all people know, you can't be funny unless you are funny and you can't do that unless you're already laughing. So the energy of funny is actually transactional, it's never created or destroyed - merely passed on, tapped into, channeled and redirected. That's funny. This isn't.

How to deal with unwanted attention from Groupies:

Sadly many young comedy fans see their idol up on stage and somehow get an uncontrollage feeling deep in the pit of their belly that they simply must get sexually penetrated by them at their earliest convenience. This kind of attitude leads to short-term total sexual satisfaction followed by long-term mild unhappiness at what you have and havent done. The fact is, when you leave the stage door and attempt to go home, there will always be one or two hangers-on who want you to do it to them. Key phrases expressing interest are 'wow, that was really good', 'can i have your autograph, please' and 'would you like to fuck me? now.' There's no hard a fast rules on what to do in this situation - other than Get Hard and Do It Fast (just my little joke). No, but seriously, the imperative here is to not abuse your fans. This can take the form of politely rejecting their slutty advances because that's what honorable performers are expected to do, or it can be more expedient to take them to a dirty hotel and fuck them up the arse until they beg for forgiveness. It depends.

...to be expanded, rewritten, republished and rejected...


This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours? It's not? Oh! Interesting

eXTReMe Tracker