Saturday, January 31, 2004

I just got a spam e-mail offering me exclusive naked pictures of my own mother! The internet is a wonderful place but I can't help feeling it's just a little bit too full.

I see Skypork is back on the menu again. I guess that means the whole Vagus scare is off? We may never know

Ooh it's lovely and cold outside. Make sure you zip up tightly you freaky little chicky. If you see any colds, flus or viruses lying around, don't pick them up without gloves and a good face mask. And don't come back without a hunchback.

I'm doing a research project into Lesbians and I'd like your help. I need photos, videos, stories all sent to me so I can get a really good picture of what's going on. I'm especially interested in doing tests on real lesbians. I have a well-equipped laboratory with a giant testing area where I am hoping to examine in depth the physical responses lesbians have when confronted by other lesbians in a typical lesbian situation. Can accomodate.


Friday, January 30, 2004

Monkey Justice. That's the answer.

Found this really great site. Check it out. There's something highly entertaining in every post and the enthusiasm and wit of the writer just shines through an otherwise tired format. It's really the best thing out there at the moment. Take a chance

Chicken and Cheese, Chicken and Cheese - go together like a horse and marriage.


1 Chicken

Cover chicken in cheese. Place in a hot oven until cooked. Garnish with cheese.

Or alternatively, for the diet-conscious, why not try it Sushi-style? Dice raw chicken into bite-sized lumps (about twice the size of a chunk in US measurements) and sprinkle with cheese. The nice thing about eating raw chicken is you don't have to cook it. Same goes for the cheese.

Chicken Fondue - Luxury Chicken, Swiss-style

Rub a cut clove of garlic around the inside of the fondue pot, then melt a large block of gruyere in it, stirring slowly from time to time. Do not let it burn or even bubble too energetically. Add a dash of kirsch or white wine and you're ready to go. Dice the chicken into uniform 2.5cm cubes and dip into the cheese. Swirl it around until it is covered in the cheese juice, by which time it will be largely cooked, and then pop it in your mouth. Sweet poultry heaven on a creamy yellow cloud.

Cheese Fondue -

Rub a cut clove of garlic around the inside of the fondue pot, then melt a large block of chicken in it, stirring slowly from time to time. Do not let it burn or even bubble too energetically. Add a dash of kirsch or white wine and you're ready to go. Dice the cheese into uniform 2.5cm cubes and dip into the chicken. Swirl it around until it is covered in the chicken juice, by which time it will be largely cooked, and then pop it in your mouth. Sweet cheesy heaven on a stringy chicken cloud


What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing

Say it again


What is it good for?

Absolutely nothing


Finland-I despise

‘Cos it means destruction

Of innocent lives

Finland means tears

To thousands of mothers how

When their sons go off to fight

And lose their lives

I said


It’s an enemy of all mankind

No point of Finland

‘Cos you’re a man

Thanks Edwin. You got that fucking spot on, mate. If you didn't die last year, I'd be expecting a tour by now. I've still got my fingers crossed.

Ooooooooh! Only 25 hours and one piddling little minute til i get an archive. Im so excited. I just can't hide it. I lost control a little while back. And let me tell you I like it. I don't think it, I know it. FUCKING YES!

Does anyone out there have any interesting Time Travel stories? I'm definitely interested in writing a little piece, maybe for the papers, maybe a magazine who knows, about your experiences travelling through time. Did you end up somewhere nice? Or should that be somewhen? I don't know. YOU tell me. Did you meet Sherlock Holmes or Emperor Ming? Maybe you killed someone important? Maybe you got killed yourself, burnt as a witch for telling such fantastical stories as Breast Implants, Informercials, dogs as pets and funk basslines. Did you tell any lies? Do those poor peasants think everyone in the future will be equal or somesuch bullshit? Were you very, very naughty? Did you get a bit of rumpy? Was it good rumpy? How good? Did you have kiddies? Did you kill them? Or did you not worry about the possibility of having rumpy with your own ancestors when you return to your own time. Did you go too far back at all? Did you go back to a time before time? What time was it when you were there? Did you not take a watch?

I'll see you right, don't worry. As sure as my name's not yours.

Well, he can't be made a Lord in the next honours list, so maybe it'll be King Hutton, or Lord God Hutton. Or maybe some kind of Grand Vizier?


Thursday, January 29, 2004

Is there anyone out there who has 'water-on-the-brain' and is going in for an operation soon? I'm very interested in purchasing the water after it's been removed. Please contact me and we can arrange a price

Have you ever fucked a Duchess? Would you be willing to tell me what it's like? I'm absolutely fascinated by the subject. What, in particular, does a Duchess feel like on the inside? I imagine it's quite velvety - am I right? Sopping? Did you poke her with her crown on? Was there a rolling log fire in a swish, swiss log cabin or cabinette? An ivory dildo lovingly kept in a bespoke velvet case? Was she dirty? What about the arse? Was that dirty? Where did you wipe your cock? Cheeks or curtains? Or fur coat? I'm right, aren't I - it was exactly like that was it not? Write in an tell me and it's wholly probable I'll publish it, complete with full disclosure of names, dates and sizes. Go on. Do it.

There's an interesting new Credit Card scam going on around the country. It's brilliant, and you'd better be on the lookout for it because it's so easy to get taken in. What happens is this:

You'll get a call from someone and they'll ask you for your card number, account number, address, the numbers on the back, what the limit is, your date of birth, what your signature looks like, how often you check your statements, if you have a lot of money and then if you can fax through a photocopy of your card to them. All this is done without giving you any information about them whatsoever. Then, a few weeks later, you'll get your credit card statement come through and they'll have rung up a bill for thousands of pounds!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look at these two guys - they're KER-RAZY!!!!!!

ginsterlad74: saint randiphul is back in the sack
faraa3: enjoying a spot of naughty vespers with a matching swan
ginsterlad74: wine. women and evensong
faraa3: father, forgive me, for i have sinned - i'm not a Catholic
ginsterlad74: father forgive me for i have sinned - i have crossed my palm with my own silver in the night
faraa3: father, forgive me, for i have sinned - but you have sinned worse because you actually are my father
ginsterlad74: saint sir duke viscount mcmedals requests your gun for a spot of deer-bitching
faraa3: father, forgive me, for i have sinned - i have not slackened my grip on my mandlebar but have rung the bell needlessly all this week
ginsterlad74: forgive me, i let a woman in sandals manhandle my panhandle then fondle my fancies
faraa3: Lord Degustus de Flagrant requires your starving belly and limpid cockle for a weekend of wine, women and wine rsvp
ginsterlad74: Field Marshal Sir Ruddy McCheeks cordially invites you to a weekend of meat and rape at his country seat next Devil Day
faraa3: Ubergruppenfuhrer Willi Faschenschpolitze-Hohenzollern inspires you to attend his bi-annual thrice yearly concordat on Love and Gypsy-killing april 30th
ginsterlad74: Ha ha - I wrote this one before you sent your last - freaky...The Archduke Gutrot von Scheizstaine cordially threatens you to attend a weekend of Slav-baiting at his woodland retreat deep in the countryside of Lower Niggasgarten-Faschreich
faraa3: Ian Gum d'Sease accepts your invitation to come round and eat fruit from his bum - 8:00 sharp
faraa3: Scheizstaine - nice one
ginsterlad74: Boffy Lobber ensexes you to attend her 21st birthday party, bring a dildo
faraa3: Nannette Special pleads for your presence at her annual popularity contest in the village hall - bring cakes, drinks, kisses and dreams.
ginsterlad74: Count Grippo di Rapi invites all the young village girls to be his this Friday at 10.
faraa3: !!
faraa3: Barnaby Gapyar couldnt, like, give a fuck man, if you make it or not, but yknow, come anyway, yeah, bring a drink, bring a smoke, tell you about thailand - FRIDAY 7:15 SHARP RSVP
ginsterlad74: :-)
ginsterlad74: Stuart Smoke invites you for a smoke at his cottage - bring fags
faraa3: Dave Cancer invites you for one last fag and a packet of fags - Bed 6, D Ward,Wexham Hospital
ginsterlad74: Grinella Cameltoe invites you to her bungalow to stick your fat cock up her arse while her husband's away. 8pm RSVP
faraa3: Andy Social requests your absence in his life, friday from 6 - NRPSVP
ginsterlad74: Mike Oldfield cordially invites you to his Berkshire house / studio to give him a bowl cut and listen to Tubular Bells 12
faraa3: !
faraa3: !
faraa3: Grendel the Jabberwock kindly asks you to bring your meatiest daughter to a night of love, laughter and inescapable slaughter
ginsterlad74: Roddy Bawd-Punk invites you to his parents' house to teach him a fourth chord on the guitar and explain the workings of a mellotron
faraa3: !!
faraa3: The year 1992 invites you to a night of jazz-funk, squidgy black and baggy clothes, followed by a wank in the car-park and a dog doner in beaconsfield high street
ginsterlad74: The year 1989 invites you to an endless saturday of wanking, music videos, wanking, war films and wanking, your parents' house starts 9am
faraa3: Your dad's hidden secrets invite you to go swimming with him, naked, now
ginsterlad74: the year 1970 invites you to use your imagination
faraa3: the year 2003 invites me to lose it as i write this
ginsterlad74: AOR invites you to come on and believe in your dreams...it's up to you and you know you've got the power!
faraa3: !!
faraa3: Modern Jazz requests you grow a beard, buy a beret and think you're in Paris by Tuesday
ginsterlad74: your memory invites you to forget this invitation ORSVP (oublier a respondez s'il vous plait)
faraa3: Rude Rodney asks that you arrive at his house tomorrow night and take an insult in the spirit in which it's intended. R
ginsterlad74: your victor and vanquisher invites you to throw down your arms, take off your armour and join the line next to the cages
faraa3: Flagor the Dangerous invites you to fight and die, or give up and die, it's all the same to him
ginsterlad74: Wibbly Wobbly invites you to come and wibble wabble at his wobbly jelly party next wednesday
faraa3: !!
faraa3: Rabbi Schneider invites you to attend the circumcision of God.
ginsterlad74: brian walden invites you to come and listen to the whole of Nantucket Sleighride by Mountain whilst watching videos of his TV heyday
faraa3: Bishop Barrett invites you to take communion with him and Deacon Gilmour, Father Wright, Father Mason and Cardinal Waters (one portion body of Christ estimated to last 12 hours)
ginsterlad74: !!
ginsterlad74: the Mullet Gull invites you to sing karaoke at the annual sea birds' Tribute to Foreigner party
faraa3: Your middle nob invites your left hand to another solo rape - meet in the shed in five minutes.
ginsterlad74: your genes invite you display ancestral idiosyncrasies in both mind and body
faraa3: Phil Collins requests your casual-dressed attendance at a retrospective of his best album - No Jacket Required
ginsterlad74: Bob Dylan invites you to criticise his career choices to his face, next wednesday at the Old Horsheshoe, Cookham
faraa3: Elvis invites you leave the building (note - Mr Presley will not be attending personally)
ginsterlad74: Mr T. invites you to play lead hannibal in his new band, World of Hurt
ginsterlad74: Got to go know - stuff to do my bitch
faraa3: Grandmaster Flash invites you to join him in the Masons
faraa3: ok
ginsterlad74: cu
faraa3: y


Hot bugger! I can't remember a damn thing anymore. I can promise you it was pretty fucking funny stuff and relevant to YOUR life, but i'll be rod-raped if I can recall just what it was that was what it was. Fuck diddly.
You can rest assured though, most things are of a smiliar structure, so just imagine:

Thing. The opposite of that thing. Those things come together. A new, unthought of thing is created. You laugh.

I read all about 'Restless Leg Syndrome' yesterday. It's the unbearable feeling of having to move your leg around whenever it tells you it's a bit restless. I have a similar condition. But it's in my willy.

One last question: Do you like rap music?

Or are you racist?

See the telly last night? Great stuff, wasn't it? Well, that was MY idea. They took it. They used it. They took the credit for it. They got paid for it. I watched it. Wanking. Crying.

Does anyone know how to operate a mind-probe? I need you to go in there and deactivate mine. That's the third thing this week they've stolen from me (see the news on Sunday night? That was me). I shall pay handsomely to anyone who can stop this theft although the money will be purely symbolic until I earn some from these self-same ideas. You should see my portfolio of things Icould've+should've worked on though. In fact, if you're a the boss of a big media company and you're reading this. you really should read it - get in touch you lovely, lovely wo/man


Wednesday, January 28, 2004

"Is that a canoe in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?"

"It's a canoe"


Tuesday, January 27, 2004

Nude photos of me here, here, here and here. I'd appreciate it if you don't use me as a just another sick wank fantasy to be thrashed out, soaked, stained and finally faded from memory. Keep me as a special, celebratio-wank when the time is right and the fist is tight.

Happy Christmas everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you buy me an ice-cream please? A big creamy one in a cone with a chocolate flake and sprinkles and goo. Thanks.

Today is the 20th anniversary of my first luxury wank. I'd like to thank Durex, Kleenex and your sexy sister for their crucial roles in this. I'd like to thank god, the almighty, for giving my the freedom and love necessary for such an extraordinary life as mine. But most of all I'd like to thank me, for giving myself the strength to believe, the daring to dream and the muscles to flex. Thank you. Thank you all. I love you.

Hey! HEY!!! Easy there buddy! You don't know me! Don't go chopping my onions

George W Bulsh - you can have that one for free.

'Joke' from friend: When Condoleeza Rice gets shot the newspaper headline will be - Black Hawk Down

Fucking Yankee Doo-dahs. Another friend, a YD at that, said there are four countries in the world where the inhabitants genuinely believe that they live in the greatest country in the world. America, India, China and Turkey. He said when a Turk goes to live and work in Germany and they get treated like shit, they just can't believe it. They just keep thinking "I'm from TURKEY! Don't these guys get it?!?!"


Monday, January 26, 2004

We watched "Tarzan, Planet of the Apes" on tv last night. What a weird film that was.

What are the two saddest words in the English Language?

Boo Hoo

Going to see West African superstar Oumani Din "Mmm Baby" Mbebebe tonight at the Well-Meaning Centre in Croydon. If you've never heard his unique blend of BushJive and CocoaPop then you really haven't been listening.


Sunday, January 25, 2004

I see that Tony Blairs bloke is up to no good again. Why don't they bring back that John Majors again, eh? England was a fucking paradise back when he was in, weren't it?

Trying to write a post and stick it up whilst refreshing the blogger screen to see if I can see my name up on the fresh blogs section, I have repeatedly failed. However, I have come across a very interesting blog called Girl with a one-track mind which seems to me to be an accurate description of a young lady from London who's completely obsessed with fucking. What strikes me as odd is this (now public) complete obsession - am I too cynical to take it at face value? Is anything at all to do with sex on the web genuine? Surely it's either a some filthy-minded male one-handed writer or a strange new piece of viral marketing - Ann Summers maybe? Whatever the truth, it's interesting, well-written and balanced with just enough smut, gossip, humour and mundanity to keep me reading. Now if you can just take your hands off your cunt for 5 minutes and update please because I'm interested now you diiiiiiiiirty slaaaaaaaaaag

I hope my mum doesn't find this. She'd be pretty horrified about all the things I'm going to say about her. In fact, I hope my mum doesn't find me. She'd be even more shocked to know her son didn't drown to death in the swamps of Aznar back in '69. I haven't been back to Gingell City since.

Who wants a fuck? Meet me here in an hour etc

Who wants a fight? Meet me here in an hour and bring your best friend. I'll sort you out. Oh yeah. It's you and me pal! It's you and me!!!!!

If you've only got time to read one blog, then for shit's sake (good name for a Japanese wine) stop reading this cack and just concentrate on Salam Pax .However, I will say this - I'm looking to find myself in a complex polymorphic relationship living in relative comfort during the Franco-Prussian war, although not in France or Prussia as such because of the danger. Then maybe we'll see who's got the most devoted, brainwashed fans of top-quality war-torn reportage, eh Paxo?

Well, it's been a few hours and already i've had over a million billion hits and many, many offers of sex and free murder but i've not yet found the time and will to welcome you, dear reader, to this thing which I'm doing here. There's no format set in place since I started this accidental-then-impulsive project all those hundreds of minutes ago and I'm not even willing to commit myself to saying there ever will be. Any suggestions you have regarding this thing will be read and re-read. I promise to write a response to all and any of them, but there is little chance I will send them. Any theories as to why I shall not do this will be read and re-read etc.

See the news? Fucking shocking, eh?

Ever get the feeling your dead grandmother is watching while you furiously masturbate over a faded picture of someone you knew from school?

No, me neither


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