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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

for the gambler amongst you.

England v Azerbaijan 2-0, 3-0, 4-0
Holland v Armenia 3-0, 4-0, 5-0
Moldova v Norway 0-1, 0-2, 0-3
Andorra v Czech Rep 0-2, 0-3, 0-4
Croatia v Malta 2-0, 3-0, 4-0
San Marino v Belgium 0-2, 0-3, 0-4

cover 5 of those: 270 trebles.

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Monday, March 21, 2005

which lazily leads me on to this:

Top Ten Things You Didn't Know About Matt Damon:

1) Matt spends $45,000 a year on haircuts.
2) During the filming of 'Good Will Hunting', he and Ben Affleck managed to physically consume Robin Williams' entire soul.
3) Matt owns his own private zoo in California. Among the animals on display are: 25 Russian elephants, a Wookie, 3 seals, Seal (the pop star), 8 pterodactyls and Remi Moses (formerly of Man.Utd and West Bromwich Albion)
4) Before getting his big break in acting, Damon worked as a fluffer. On 'Animal Hospital'.
5) While researching for 'Rounders', in which he played an ace poker player, Matt managed to lose $320 million in games across the States. He also lost his anal virginity.
6) Whilst sounding a bit like 'demon', his surname, as far as anyone is aware, has no diabolical connotations whatsoever.
7) Matt auditioned unsuccessfully for the role of Alfie Moon in Eastenders.
8) According to past sexual conquests, Damon has a cock 'shaped like Lancashire'.
9) Fellow actor and best buddy Ben Affleck disputes this, saying it's 'more like Cornwall'
10) Matt Damon has insured his trademark smirk for $10,000,000. In a freak accident on-set last summer, it was almost amputated.

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Finally making use of the 34% of my degree that constituted watching and writing about films, I've just landed a 'contract' to write a magazine article on the Top Ten Poker Films of All Time. Fuck. I havent written anything since 'If you want it, call 01786 987432 during office hours' on the bog walls at work 3 years ago. I wonder if I can get Jimmy Carr to write and present it ? Nah, it'll be shit.... Painfully, I had to sit through this gem in the name of research . If you havent seen it, get it out (don't matter if you're not into 'poker') just to really appreciate what a terrible actor Matt Damon is.

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Friday, March 18, 2005

There goes Junior's college fund. Or something.

Here are some other bored gits

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So farewell Nutgroist. Enjoy the break. And it falls to me to fill 2 weeks of your little 'diary' with stuff as spontaneous and questionably funny as our AIM chats ( I'm 'J' in the chats, named after the hitman at the end of 'Get Carter' . Possibly.)

If any of you don't find the idea of animals being whipped and made to jump over hedges offensive, go down the bookies and put some cash on CELESTIAL GOLD in the GOLD CUP at CHELTENHAMSHIRE. I'll be back later with the results.

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Thursday, March 17, 2005



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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Just a little test post in readiness for my 2-week residency at the Nutgroist Moonlight Bar & Grill (Stevenage). Try the fish. Enjoy your holiday in the Urals, nutster, or is it 2 weeks spent in some urinals ? Ah, brings back memories of '84........

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ive got me black 'n tam o'shanty, i've washed me lucky charms (at the behest of the quare one, god bless her), i've brushed up on how to pronounce the Gaelic (guess what? it's ALL perfectly phonetic! everyone nods and smiles at me when i pronounce it this way. especially in Dun Laoghaire) and i've bought 200 cans of the ebony nectar (that's what they call it here) so im ready as i'll ever be for hogmanay.

hahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahaha

only joking

i mean St Partick's Day, obviously

the day when that blessed man, tragically born in probably England, came over to this also sceptred isle whatever that means and through a process of sheer holiness banished all the thistles. They were forced to swim to Scotland, where they reside and still occasionally gambol, in among the heather, doon the moor. This tradition was later repeated with some of the more argumentative chaps further north, but we won't talk about that. I don't want Johnny 'I'll do anything for' Adair coming round to pay my neighbours a visit (i will have scarpered way in advance).

No, im making light of the situation. Let me rectify it. Now.

It's a very serious day when we commemorate our patron saint of christianity for banishing the evil of religious diversity from this land. So the legend that he banished all the snakes comes about because they are an animal associated with the devil from the time of the Fall and all that. That said, I'm still going to the public bite-the-head-off-a-fucking-snake display in the grounds of Christchurch Cathedral later tomorrow.

And so, in traditional bored columnist signing off for a while style, my spies tell me that Nutgroist is going on holiday for a few times, and so am I. Look for one more hastily put together post and that's your lot for ages to come.

Lucky.

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Friday, March 11, 2005

our own personal tribute, cleverly done two days ago, way ahead of everyone else

[15:31] J: no Ann Summers ? by law ?
[15:31] f: dunno
[15:31] f: there's lots of sex shops
[15:31] f: but theyre all soho style
[15:31] J: for priests
[15:31] J: right
[15:31] f: oh my god!
[15:32] f: tell a lie!
[15:32] f: there is one!
[15:32] f: and i know the street!
[15:32] f: how did i miss that?
[15:32] J: funny how they automatically get seedier the more religious the country
[15:32] f: it's on O'Connell St - one of the most famous streets in Dublin!
[15:40] J: is it vandalised by catholics?
[15:40] f: what catholics? this is ireland in 2005!
[15:41] J: thats my english image of it tho
[15:41] J: oh, and "no surrender" by the way
[15:42] f: what would you do if you went in having built yourself up to it, thinking, it's ok, they'll know it's for my missus, and the bloke in front of you in the queue asks for the exact same dildo you are after - when they tell him how big it is, he makes a length image with his hands and then transfers it to his arse and measures up how far it'll go and ive kind of lost the thread of this "what would you do if" so i'll stop there and just write it as a sketch
[15:42] f: or will i?
[15:43] J: haha
[15:43] J: make him a priest
[15:44] J: man goes in and says 'i'll have a dildo for the wife'
[15:44] f: and THEN you realise he's a priest?!
[15:44] f: for the wife....in America
[15:44] J: and the guy goes 'what about something for the bishop ?' pointing at his crotch
[15:44] J: camera pulls back and he has a catholic bishop on a leash
[15:44] f: and he goes 'he's got a choirboy who keeps him company'
[15:45] f: heyhey!
[15:45] J: the guy says 'nah hes got one'
[15:45] J: boom
[15:45] f: like it a lot
[15:45] J: Dave Allen, RIP
[15:45] f: except ive never heard of it called a bishop before
[15:45] f: he's not Dead!
[15:45] J: isnt he ?
[15:45] f: no!
[15:45] J: should be
[15:45] f: hehe
[15:45] J: i used to LOVE Dave Allen
[15:45] f: yeah, he broke the rules
[15:45] f: me too
[15:46] f: and weirdly, so did my mum!
[15:46] J: mainly for having one of the all-time funkiest theme tunes
[15:47] f: he was doing the same stuff years before jeremy beadle
[15:47] J: what, having a deformed hand
[15:47] f: exactly
[15:48] J: 'on the other hand' etc

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Thursday, March 10, 2005

Bored? On my blog?

then follow me

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Wednesday, March 09, 2005

this is all i got so far, now im off to dubley for fun and frolics, i'll finish it off later if someone else doesnt...

I want to eat one
I don’t know why
Or where it begun
This desire to try

It looks so tasty
To my eyes I’d say
I’d have it in a pasty
If that’s the only way

But I’d rather have it fried
Or slapped upon a griddle
That’d keep me satisfied
And lose this need to fiddle

I have people who love me
And people who care
But no-one whose got one
Would dare give me theirs

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today's shit rhyme
it not yet time
come back later
bum crack baiter...

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

time was when i'd have spent an hour crafting this fucker into a neat poetic form. but i cant be bothered, so here it is in rough. as ever, feel free to add to it.

Your beauty this evening is past compare
I’ve never been so attracted to thick facial hair
It’s something I thought that id never say
But tonight, babe, im going gay

The first girl I fancied was my dear old mum
From the second I popped from her sweaty front-bum
She’s been the model for all girls on the way
But tonight, to be honest, I’d prefer a bit of gay

You have good strong hips with soft creamy thighs
Or that’s what I think when I (ahem) fantasize
I see my own cock and I just want to play
Maybe that’s why I’m turning slowly gay

Your slit eye commands me to dispel my fears
Would you baptize me in sweet milky tears?
I know from my wife there’ll be hot hell to pay
But im changing my life to occasionally gay

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Friday, March 04, 2005

Kids trapped in my refrigerator
Dyou think they’re still alive?
It’s full of food and drink for sure
So likely they'll survive

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Thursday, March 03, 2005

Hey, I just got a blog rating of 9. What's yours?

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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Last night I had Banal sex
No milky stains, no anal flecks
No reduction into gibbering wrecks
And nothing fleshy speared down necks

The strap-ons stayed inside the box
The one that’s marked ‘spare tits and cocks’
Nor did we play with my ball-locks
No rodents got stuffed into socks

Two were we, no clusterfucks
Or tag-team gang of rutting bucks
In porno fantasy-deluxe.
Group anal bores and oral sucks

Vanilla sex enjoys no licks
No sado-maso cunty kicks
The camera’s full of legal pics
And down my dick are stuck no sticks

We don’t perform for Dirty Macs
Won’t fetishise no group of Blacks
Nor invite in some helpless Spacks
To join us in our sex-attacks

I didn’t frot, I didn’t frig
She didn’t wear a pussy-wig
I fit in snug although im big
I loved it so, as did the pig

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