Thursday, April 07, 2005
The inside track, thanks to a certain head-shaven reclusive fatman who likes to introduce chipped potatoes to bubbling hot oil:
Arch-Statue Legwin Granytt (500/1) - Ultra-conservatives in the Vatican are said to be right behind Granytt, as they see in him a figure who will remain immoveable on important articles of Catholic doctrine. He would also be a logistical advantage in that, as a statue in St Peter's Square, he is impervious to illness and would always be present at Vatican Mass. Thought to be an outsider simply because of the unlikelihood of him undertaking any international travel, or even any physical movement whatsoever.
Deacon Joey Blue Peter (300/1) - Rose to fame in the early 80s when a British children's TV programme feature on an elderly disabled gentleman became his namesake. Also thought to be a good prospect for building bridges to the Jewish community, as his name might vaguely remind them of Rabbi Lionel Blue. Will not fly, and the Vatican is well aware of the problems this has caused Arsenal with Dennis Bergkamp's similar refusal - therefore, he remains an outsider.
Jimmy Carr (100/1) - Well, if your agent's that good...
Tony Hart (50/1) - Although a confirmed aetheist, Hart is thought to be one of the kindest men in the world.
Pope Jesus the Last (25/1) - Rumours abound in the Vatican that, in a bid to discredit Nostradamus once and for all, Jesus will return as the final Pope. This would disrupt predictions that there are two more remaining Popes before the return of Jesus, with Jesus now opting to be Pope himself then terminate the world on a date of his choosing. Would put to bed the phrase 'Vicar of Christ'.
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Arch-Statue Legwin Granytt (500/1) - Ultra-conservatives in the Vatican are said to be right behind Granytt, as they see in him a figure who will remain immoveable on important articles of Catholic doctrine. He would also be a logistical advantage in that, as a statue in St Peter's Square, he is impervious to illness and would always be present at Vatican Mass. Thought to be an outsider simply because of the unlikelihood of him undertaking any international travel, or even any physical movement whatsoever.
Deacon Joey Blue Peter (300/1) - Rose to fame in the early 80s when a British children's TV programme feature on an elderly disabled gentleman became his namesake. Also thought to be a good prospect for building bridges to the Jewish community, as his name might vaguely remind them of Rabbi Lionel Blue. Will not fly, and the Vatican is well aware of the problems this has caused Arsenal with Dennis Bergkamp's similar refusal - therefore, he remains an outsider.
Jimmy Carr (100/1) - Well, if your agent's that good...
Tony Hart (50/1) - Although a confirmed aetheist, Hart is thought to be one of the kindest men in the world.
Pope Jesus the Last (25/1) - Rumours abound in the Vatican that, in a bid to discredit Nostradamus once and for all, Jesus will return as the final Pope. This would disrupt predictions that there are two more remaining Popes before the return of Jesus, with Jesus now opting to be Pope himself then terminate the world on a date of his choosing. Would put to bed the phrase 'Vicar of Christ'.
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