Thursday, June 28, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
-Good morning, I've come to pick up my Hyundai Average 1.1 which I have booked for two days at quite a reasonable rate I believe
"Certainly Sir. Let me see now, one Economy Car at two days quite reasonable rate, plus unreasonable federal tax and inexplicable, additional Quebec tax, equals not so reasonable after all please - do you want car insurance with that?"
-Oh I suppose I do actually
"Great. That'll be exorbitant at two days, but it is necessary. Would you like to pay for the excess waiver should you need to use your insurance? It's quite ridiculous, especially at two days"
-Hmm, I think I'll take my chances thanks. I'm not planning on crashing or anything. This does cover medical bills and the like, right?
"I'm afraid not sir. It's just for the car. You'll be wanting our slap-in-face pricey medical insurance, which, let's see, at two days per person works out to be... a little over a sickening shock"
-Ok, wow, so... how much is that overall, then?
(She tots up the figures on a calculator)
"In total, that comes to a-helluva-lot-more-than-you-budgeted-for and then-some. Will you be paying by Credit Card sir?"
-There'd better not be a fucking charge for that, bitch
"No indeed sir. And it's a very good job this conversation is largely reconstructed from memory, or i'd have slapped you if you'd actually called me that, you honky kike"
And she'd be right, too. But here's the point of this all...
"Anyway, Sir, I can see that we're all out of our basic Economy model Hyundai, so if it's ok with you we'll have to give you something a little better, at no extra charge of course"
-Oh, sure. At no extra charge? Ok, I'm very interested in whatever you can give me
"How about a Ford Mustang GT? Does that sound good?"
At which point a little slither of pure boyhood fantasy joyrides up my spine, does a couple of doughnut turns around my head and then settles down for a purr in my chest where it gently cups my beating heart and begins to whisper soft but outrageous promises to drive to San Francisco immediately and chase down some bad guys
I'm no car man, to be honest, though as a child I was for a time obsessed with sports cars and speed in general. I am still able to summon up plenty of irrelevant statistics about fast cars from the 1970's and if anyone wants to let me ride their Panther Kallista or De Tomaso Pantera, get in touch and i'll blow you. Of course, these were all European and very sophisticated looking ladies indeed. The only American speed machines I considered worth knowing were the rocket-powered, land-speed-record-breaking bastard machines that ex-Air Force people and backroom-based hicks would build and race across salt flats. But in the last few weeks i've been noticing this big, brassy car with the wild horse on the front grill and thinking how god damned attractive it looks (although initially it's always 'ooh, an Aston Martin...oh..')
And then I see the car and by the time I've walked up close to it, I've damn near put a dent in the driver's door from my erection. Somehow, some way, with no sage advice to the contrary, this nice young lady had lent me, a state-certified ADHD suffering nervous, suicidal lunatic a fucking wild beast that does 0-60 in under 5 seconds (on an automatic gearbox, dont forget) and demands to be ridden at its top speed of 147 miles an hour.
So I yielded; frequently, gleefully, illegally.
It's difficult to liken the power you feel behind the wheel, or more accurately on top of the accelerator, to anything else (except maybe for when lifting one's magic sword aloft and invoking the Power of Grayskull). But it's easy to understand why a certain country of doodledandys find themselves going out with regularity to perform the occasional aggressive takeover of an asset-rich but poorly-managed foreign corporation, or "country" if you're gonna be picky. Most Europeans pay between 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 times what Americans do and most of our cars dont do a pathetic 17mpg or 25 on the highway (I filled up both days I had it and it was, embarrassingly, dirt cheap). I think successive governments have had to keep the price of gas ridiculously low to avoid serious social unrest. That and making sure they are easily distracted by everything their culture has got to offer.
*I haven't, obviously, been employed by Ford or Famous Rental Car Firm (aka Fuck Me 'Til It Hertz) to promote their products but if anyone reading this from either of these firms wants to give me some money that would be ok. I will happily promote your stuff in the guise of blogposts to all 27 or so readers I get everyday. And if you pay me double, I will stop promoting your stuff.
Q. Lalo or Serge? Lalo or Serge?
A. Lalo and Serge
Thursday, June 21, 2007
The formula is quite simple, really:
|(NFB/M2x100) /(NTT/M2x100) = SC |
Montreal has a SC factor of almost ∞, since I have yet to find a single Tupac T-shirt in this city. It is, I suppose, an ideal place to live.
Here's a shop not far from where I live that sells nothing but mushrooms. Actually that's not strictly true, for it sells mushroom-related products, finery, fancy and dreams. I have yet to go in, only for the simple reason that I have promised myself to enter and ask 'Do you sell mushrooms?' and I don't think I quite have the sufficient chutzpah to do it yet.
Here's a shop not far from where I live that sells nothing but tomatoes. Actually that's not strictly true...etc etc
Tell me, how does this shop survive? Do you find yourself wanting an edible arrangement of a morning and then thank the lord you can just pop in to this shop for the solution? How many people need to want this to make a viable business? Do you even regularly desire non-edible arrangements, say of flowers or lego and the like - and then bring it home from your regular non-edible arrangers and think to yourself 'No, this isn't good enough. It must taste of something too. I want to eat it'? And anyway, when do you eat an edible arrangement? What is the timeframe here - do you bring it home, sit it on the windowsill and then start picking at it? Fucking hell, I sound like Jerry Seinfeld.
Monday, June 18, 2007
Friday, June 15, 2007
Me: lovely. did you get asked the question?
Me: EXCELLENT! TELL ME ! TELL ME HOW IT WENT! (I shoulda gone for ‘Baba Yaga’)
I am already pissing myself
Me: oh fuck!
i hope you got it right
"the bank closes in 10 minutes..."
Me: fuck. i did text you the spelling. i shoulda said
Me: so you said it, right? and she looked how, exactly?
Me: im so happy
Me: indeed. what you need to do, i think, to avoid being short of money every month, is get some straw. and a spinning wheel
"Hey, you like Chinese Girl?" (and actually, I rarely do. Not my usual type)
-Er... I... like...all...kinds of girls, Ricky (his Anglicised name, obviously)
"I have neice in Shanghai, you wanna meet her? She really nice girl. Young, pretty, good looking, very nice girl"
-Oh! Im...really... flattered, Ricky. Thanks. But...uh...I have a girlfriend.
"OH NO!!! YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?!?!"
-Yes, i'm afraid I do.
"you SURE you have girlfriend?"
-yes, im pretty sure, Ricky
"but my neice, she such a nice girl and you such a nice guy, best tenant ever, i think you hit off big time"
-Ricky, thanks so much for thinking of me (and i am really touched by this, even though it's probably shady as fuck) but I really do have a girlfriend
And he literally clutches his head with his hands and says, again, "OH NO! Are you SURE?"
Sunday, June 10, 2007
-Yes, yes I did
Well who's this then?
(press play, then quickly shut your eyes for a minute if you want to take the true Buckley challenge)
She's Every Woman
Add to My Profile | More Videos
"The reason Paris Hilton got sent back to jail is because there was nowhere on her body discreet enough to put an electronic tag"
...But im not saying it's false either
Anti-religious campaigners like Hitchens will say that we'd be better off without Religion which, on balance, has caused more death and misery for more people than anything else. To counter this, proponents of religion will argue that the two biggest genocides of the twentieth century were engineered by Atheist regimes. For example..
The fact is that while religious wars have been fought for centuries, militant atheism has slaughtered more people than religious zealots ever have. The greatest mass murders in history have been committed not by Christians but by Communists Joseph Stalin and Mao Tse Tung. More than 100 million have died at the hands of these militant atheists since the early 20th century.
From these good people
To which I say "Where do I fucking start?"
Doesn't this do a small disservice to, oh i dont know, the 6 million Jews, Gypsys and other undesirables to the Nazis, not unknown evildoers and yet not avowed atheists as far as i'm aware? Twisters of Christianity, for sure, but believers nevertheless. Is it really acceptable to play the numbers game as the basis for "who's more evil"? Apparently every life isn't sacred - or at least morally equivalent to every other life, or they wouldn't quibble over the number killed in the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition and the Salem Witch Trials. It opens up the old debate about sacrificing the few for the many but in less conditional terms.
But what really confuses me about this argument is simply that both Communist regimes had far more in common with religious movements than anything resembling the purely secular. They were political religions with strong cult figures in apparent total command, and also had an all-knowing, history-predicting big hairy man in the sky - Karl Marx in this case, no less revered than God and Son as a saviour, an emancipator, a reliable father-figure.
When there is no separation between Church and State, they obviously become one. But in the cases where there is no Church at all, it seems that the State becomes the de facto Church. So you either (appear to) buy in wholeheartedly or you get purged, culturally revolutionised, re-educated, year-zero'd, gulag'd or just plain killed.
And in both cases, of war-catalysing Religion and industrially-genocidal Communism, neither of them have absolutely anything to do with god.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
the determinedly deep brown, mahogany funk ripples through bass space, a trebled triple throb of pulsing lime lights across the blacquamarine horizon of an emptiness, a fragile space that used to be silence, something vast and empty of infinite, unrealised potential. And then, from the unexpected, a soft suggestion of sound becomes a full-blown, brazen commitment to shake out a rigid rhythmic ribbon of bouncing, punchy stabs of pure colour, robust trembles in a lower register between liquidity and solidity, a rhizomatic slink, a fretted-thing in flight, a riff so urgent, so desperate for expression, so troubled by its uniqueness it never rests, choosing the widening spiral of renewal for self-validation. It struggles to be free, for where could it go that isn't better than where it just was right now?God I love Snow Patrol's new single. It's really great. The words mean so much. The music's so original. Sound of the summer. All of Britain's dancing to it, i'm sure.
This, however, is a piece of shit. Determinedly deep brown, mahogany shit
Thursday, June 07, 2007
So maybe it is a perfect logo.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
Emily: (referring to Charley dancing/pushing her hips forward) You pushing it out you nigger.
Nicky: (shocked laughter) Em, I can't believe you said that.
Charley: You are in trouble.
Emily: Don't make a big thing out of it then. I was joking.
Charley: I know you were... but that's some serious shit, sorry.
Charley: Oh my god. I'm not even saying it.
Nicky: Just don't talk about it anymore.
Emily: I was joking
Charley: Do you know how many viewers would watch that?
Nicky: Okay, don't make a big deal out of it.
Charley: Fancy you saying that. I can't believe you said that.
Emily: Somebody has already used that word in this house.
Charley: No way. (Pause) Yeah, me. I'm a nigger.
Charley: I am one. Fancy you saying it. I know maybe you see it in a rap song. Maybe you and your friends sit there saying it.
Emily: I'm friendly with plenty of black people.
Nicky: And you call them niggers?
Emily: Yeah and they call me niggers. They call me wiggers as well.
Nicky: I'm quite shocked.
Charley: I'm fucking in shock.
Emily: It's not a big deal though is it?
Charley: Not for us it ain't. Fuck me.
Emily says she was reading from the age of two and gives herself 10 out of 10 for intelligence. This is all part of her very honest attitude to life, and she says “honesty gets me into trouble – teachers hated me for being so honest. Friends like me for being honest. I expect honesty back”.
Politically, she considers herself to be right wing and will be voting Conservative in the next election.
Monday, June 04, 2007
"This is the vision at the very heart of our brand," said London 2012 organising committee chairman Seb Coe.
"It will define the venues we build and the Games we hold and act as a reminder of our promise to use the Olympic spirit to inspire everyone and reach out to young people around the world.
"It is an invitation to take part and be involved.
"We will host a Games where everyone is invited to join in because they are inspired by the Games to either take part in the many sports, cultural, educational and community events leading up to 2012 or they will be inspired to achieve personal goals."
"It's not a logo, it's a brand that will take us forward for the next five years," he told BBC Five Live.
"It won't be to be eveybody's taste immediately but it's a brand that we genuinely believe can be a hard working brand which builds on pretty much everything we said in Singapore about reaching out and engaging young people, which is where our challenge is over the next five years.
"If we don't that, then frankly the whole project is unsustainable."Prime Minister Tony Blair said: "We want London 2012 not just to be about elite sporting success.
"When people see the new brand, we want them to be inspired to make a positive change in their life.
"London 2012 will be a great sporting summer but will also allow Britain to showcase itself to the world."
International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge said: "This is a truly innovative brand logo that graphically captures the essence of the London 2012 Olympic Games - namely to inspire young people around the world through sport and the Olympic values.
"Each edition of the Olympic Games brings its own flavour and touch to what is now well over a century of modern Olympic history; the brand launched today by London 2012 is, I believe, an early indication of the dynamism, modernity and inclusiveness with which London 2012 will leave its Olympic mark."
Olympics Minister Tessa Jowell said: "This is an iconic brand that sums up what London 2012 is all about - an inclusive, welcoming and diverse Games that involves the whole country.
"It takes our values to the world beyond our shores, acting both as an invitation and an inspiration.
"This is not just a marketing logo, but a symbol that will become familiar, instantly recognisable and associated with our Games in so many ways during the next five years."
Well, I for one can't wait to see this amazing Olympic Logo, sorry, Brand. I am thoroughly convinced by Seb Coe, Tony Blair, Jacques Rogge and Tessa Jowell, all of whom I have a great deal of respect for and would trust with my life - especially Tony Blair. It just sounds GREAT, doesnt it?!
I think there's been a mistake somewhere
Saturday, June 02, 2007
A pig and poke
Of rum and coke
A poke and a pig
Of a freshly-fucked fig
A Black and Tan
Of a caramel flan
A Tan and a Black
Of a spiced-lamb rack
A time and place
For boiled bouillabaise
A plaice and a thyme
Marinaded in lime
A wing and a prayer
Of "Oeufs Leo Sayer"
A prayer and a wing
Of a Singapore Sling
A cock and bull
Of a gooseberry fool
A bull and a cock
Of a hot ham hock
A wink and a smile
Of a grilled paedophile
A smile and a wink
Of a milk-poached mink
A hammer and tongs
Of crystallized dongs
The tongs and a hammer
Of a strawberry jammer
...to be concluded