Monday, April 04, 2005
If you're easily Catholic, you may want to look away now:
possibly overwritten in another newspaper column whilst waiting at Heathrow Airport, my own personal highway to hell
'it wouldnt be resepctful to start talking about a successor until he's been laid to rest, so here's a helpful list of suggestions for those little men in the velvet dresses might want to consider:
1. Isn't it about time we had a woman Pope? Who better to bring a touch of glamour and sexyness to a staid old institution than a strong, confident female from the right background. A strong role model for oppressed women around the world and something nice to look at for the lads, she'd be sure to boost church attendances round the world, especially at a slow time of year like this: we've just had a bad weather Easter and now we've lost a Pope, it's a wonder churches are even bothering to open at all.
2. John Paul III. Why not carry on the dynasty? It worked for the Roosevelts, John and Julian Lennon, George and George Bush. I'm sure the son is busy grieving at the moment for the man he was privileged to call Dad and he's probably nervous about filling the big boots of his beloved Father and Grandfather but goddamit, he was born to it, wasn't he?
3. Jake Shears from the Scissor Sisters. He's young, he's fresh, looks good in a variety of hats and clearly has a strong devotion to God. Just look at the lyrics to 'Take your Mama'. All the kids love him, I love him and so do all my sensitive male friends. Something inside tells me he's the one.
4. The Rev. Ian Paisley. Truly a man of God, he'd be my dream ticket. A total uniter, who better than to heal the rift between Catholics and the other lot? He'll be able to see things from both sides, he's a stunning orator and if for any reason it doesn't work out, well, he's an old man so, y'know....
5. My mate Dave. He's brilliant, he is. You should all meet Dave, he's just soooo great. Wicked sense of humour, knows his stuff and says all the right things. He'd be perfect.
6. An Italian. The Vatican's near Italy, right? Why not elect an Italian then? It'd sure make a change from bloody Poland getting all the glory and might help improve the stormy relations between the two states.
7. A Vaticanese. Why even look abroad when you can stay close to home? It's time to go traditional and choose someone born within the borders of the Holy See. There'd be so little red tape involved if he's already got the passport and knows his way around the town he might be able to get down to business on day one.
8. An aborted foetus. Symbolically, of course. I don't mean to suggest an aborted foetus could do the job of head of a religious institution and inspiriational world leader. That would be disrespectful at a time like this. But for all the little half-babies of the world who've had their lives cruelly snatched away (and been cruelly away from the snatches of their lives), here's a chance to make a point.'
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possibly overwritten in another newspaper column whilst waiting at Heathrow Airport, my own personal highway to hell
'it wouldnt be resepctful to start talking about a successor until he's been laid to rest, so here's a helpful list of suggestions for those little men in the velvet dresses might want to consider:
1. Isn't it about time we had a woman Pope? Who better to bring a touch of glamour and sexyness to a staid old institution than a strong, confident female from the right background. A strong role model for oppressed women around the world and something nice to look at for the lads, she'd be sure to boost church attendances round the world, especially at a slow time of year like this: we've just had a bad weather Easter and now we've lost a Pope, it's a wonder churches are even bothering to open at all.
2. John Paul III. Why not carry on the dynasty? It worked for the Roosevelts, John and Julian Lennon, George and George Bush. I'm sure the son is busy grieving at the moment for the man he was privileged to call Dad and he's probably nervous about filling the big boots of his beloved Father and Grandfather but goddamit, he was born to it, wasn't he?
3. Jake Shears from the Scissor Sisters. He's young, he's fresh, looks good in a variety of hats and clearly has a strong devotion to God. Just look at the lyrics to 'Take your Mama'. All the kids love him, I love him and so do all my sensitive male friends. Something inside tells me he's the one.
4. The Rev. Ian Paisley. Truly a man of God, he'd be my dream ticket. A total uniter, who better than to heal the rift between Catholics and the other lot? He'll be able to see things from both sides, he's a stunning orator and if for any reason it doesn't work out, well, he's an old man so, y'know....
5. My mate Dave. He's brilliant, he is. You should all meet Dave, he's just soooo great. Wicked sense of humour, knows his stuff and says all the right things. He'd be perfect.
6. An Italian. The Vatican's near Italy, right? Why not elect an Italian then? It'd sure make a change from bloody Poland getting all the glory and might help improve the stormy relations between the two states.
7. A Vaticanese. Why even look abroad when you can stay close to home? It's time to go traditional and choose someone born within the borders of the Holy See. There'd be so little red tape involved if he's already got the passport and knows his way around the town he might be able to get down to business on day one.
8. An aborted foetus. Symbolically, of course. I don't mean to suggest an aborted foetus could do the job of head of a religious institution and inspiriational world leader. That would be disrespectful at a time like this. But for all the little half-babies of the world who've had their lives cruelly snatched away (and been cruelly away from the snatches of their lives), here's a chance to make a point.'
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