cNutgroist

So it has come to this. I have nothing more to say. And no means by which to not say it. Until I come back to this blog, I leave you with a little special that i'd been saving for just the proper occasion.

The Friar: slice of toast?
Nutgroist: hot buttered snatch
Nutgroist: and a steaming mug of lovely
The Friar: two fried yes pleases and a fresh brewed mug of that's just what i needed
The Friar: grilled leg of egg on a bed of roast toast
Nutgroist: :-D
Nutgroist: remember: deep fried brick of butter, panfried in butter and topped off with a slice of fresh butter
The Friar: 12" muesli pizza with a sachet of milk dip
Nutgroist: how much for the 2 boiled bread and the tomato and Steven broth?
The Friar: having trouble staying online? may i suggest grant's virtual glue?
Nutgroist: mine's a partly-cooked frozen hot frosties in a sauce of genuine concern
The Friar: :-D
The Friar: twenty chips please
Nutgroist: having trouble staying off-line? why not use a lawnmower to access the internet - 24/0
Nutgroist: 8-)
Nutgroist: a nice plate of egg and chip, please ta
The Friar: for a faster connection - jenkins' condensed soul of I.T.
Nutgroist: for a slower connection - Dr Stevedore's Steam-Powered Frustration Engine Modem Device - .56k/h at only 2 coals per minute
The Friar: can i have large chips, open and wrapped, a can of carbonated fish, and a large fried fanta
Nutgroist: :-P
Nutgroist: would you like some chips or an egg with that Brown Sauce, sir?
The Friar: large doner, no meat, onions, salad, sauce or bread please
Nutgroist: burger and chips please mate - can you take the bits of fat out of the burger please? and the chips?
The Friar: plate of raw money and a pint of suitcase please
Nutgroist: your self-service eat-in only restaurant please, to go
The Friar: can i have a loaf of tasty and two iced naughties please
Nutgroist: i'll have the special, please? what? there's not special today? ok, in that case, i'll have the special
The Friar: :-)
The Friar: can i have one undetected murder and a thousand sleepless nights please
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: gimme a pint of milk, some strawberry flavouring, two straws and a 4.9 on the Richter scale earthquake please
The Friar: roast cress Sally Gunnell please
Nutgroist: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nutgroist: i'll have a roast thicket of hawthorn and a dozen poached roses
The Friar: i'll have a lofty vantage point and my wife will have the same. well done please, thanks, well done. well done.
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: just half a glass of spit please - i'm not feeling very well
The Friar: :-D
Nutgroist: i'll have the live crow and no cutlery please
The Friar: can i have the boiled victory in europe with cold cold war to follow
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: (choking)
Nutgroist: we'd like to order a large plate of boiled clams - can you leave the steamed waiter's hand attached please?
The Friar: a plate of huntsman's disgust please
Nutgroist: a poached poacher and a boiled boiler please - with a fried friar for mains
The Friar: can i have the vegetarian pig with cauliflower snout and pickled curly-waggers
Nutgroist: i'll have the vegetarian too please - does she come with or without her 1970's purple VW Beetle?
The Friar: my wife will have the sunday roast, peter is going for the ceasar salad, oh but i'm not eating, so just a double cheeseburger and fries for me, thanks. actually i'll have the battered goat as well. how is it battered?
Nutgroist: I'll have the bleak future on a plate of crushed hopes and dreams please. And a lovely cup of tea
The Friar: :-)
Nutgroist: What's this thing on the menu here? P-o-o? What's that like, then? Oooh, lovely
The Friar: can i just have a glass of water please. actually no, make that a pint of snakebite
Nutgroist: what's the most expensive drink you've got in the building? Really? Wow! I'll just have a sherry please
The Friar: do you take nothing?
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: Lobster please? Oh, sorry, I didn't realise. I suppose I should have guessed from the uniforms and those little stars on your shirt. Sorry. Well, in that case, i'll have a Bacon Double Lobster Burger and WineShake, thanks
The Friar: :-)
The Friar: can i have the mcpate de fois gras and a half bottle of mcdom perignon please.
Nutgroist: I'd have liked a happy meal please. But unfortunately, I can't have it because I'm recently bereaved. Do you have a Sad Meal for me and the kids?
The Friar: i'll have alphabet soup please, but for god's sake leave out the p's this time - you know they disagree with me.
The Friar: by the way - Sad Meal for me and the kids deserves a 8-)
Nutgroist: i know this is going to sound funny but what i'd really like is for a really busty waitress to feed me her roast tits with a wistful tear in her eye. And some beans
The Friar: my fat girlfriend will have a chicken mcteenagepregnancy and i'll go for the filet o' scum
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: I'll have a Kentucky Fried Chicken please. Oh, this is Burger King? Ok, well, here's £3.50, now pop round the corner and go and get me one. Thanks in advance
The Friar: i met a pimp the other day who is working a hermetic prostitute...
Nutgroist: ?
The Friar: he's the owner of a lonely tart
Nutgroist: nice
Nutgroist: Barman, can you pack these pints into a doggie bag please?
The Friar: i'll have a pint of wife's curse and a list of local cells please
Nutgroist: two halves of what you fancy and a flagon of what you don't please
The Friar: something you don't have on a bed of something you do please
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: bottle of Old Pernicious and a pint of Cornish Pastybeer if you don't mind
The Friar: a bottle of trouble and a packet of cheese regrets please
Nutgroist: Evening. can you call an ambulance and then stick a pint glass in my face please - save us both a lot of bother come 20 minutes past last orders
The Friar: :-)
The Friar: please don't serve me, you'll regret it
Nutgroist: just a nice milkshake i think. And can you possibly attach this pipe to my bum please?
The Friar: i'd like a drink you've never served before - no mixing, just one pure drink of something you have on sale that you have never, ever served before. thanks.
Nutgroist: (wetting myself)
The Friar: a pint of memories and a good strong hanky please barman. and if you see her.....no, it doesn't matter.
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: how much are those salted peanuts? what about the dry roasted? alright then, just a packet of plain peanuts please. and a packet of salt. is there somewhere around here i can plug my oven in?
The Friar: give me something that will give me the strength to do bloody murder, and hurry up, i've got work to do.
Nutgroist: pint of bitter please. Ice and a slice.
The Friar: pint of stella and a packet of ready salted please...oh, and do you have a gay machine here?
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: pint of guinness. and a world record
The Friar: alright dave, i'm fucking going for it tonight - just been sacked and my wife's left me and took the kids with her. i'll have a babycham.
Nutgroist: excuse me Barman, look i'm in a dreadful hurry and i don't really want a drink. can i use your phone? it's a real emergency. Thanks a lot, mate. "Hello, is that the Nag's Head? Get a pint of John Smith's ready - i'm on my way"
The Friar: (the best!!!)
Nutgroist: thank you
Nutgroist: i almost choked when i was writing it
Nutgroist: but please,,,,,,continue....
The Friar: i fucking love it - i'm wetting myself
Nutgroist: oh god i cant stop laughing
Nutgroist: im shaking
The Friar: nor me - this is fucking killing me
Nutgroist: crying
Nutgroist: pain
Nutgroist: stomach pain
Nutgroist: seriously
The Friar: i know
The Friar: alright, let's go on - next line coming up...
The Friar: double racism disguised by a live football match and some male bonding please
Nutgroist: just gimme a pint of your best customer and the keys to your contract
The Friar: hi, sorry i'm knew to these parts, just moved in yesterday. can i have a sip of your slender wife?
Nutgroist: i'm trying to find the King's Head. This is it? Well i never. Thanks. Bye
The Friar: !!!
The Friar: is it true that this pub is on a ley-line? do you have sky sports?
Nutgroist: Good evening Barman. No.
The Friar: me next! oh come on i've been standing here for ages! oh, hi, thanks - is there a good pub you could recommend around here?
Nutgroist: Just a pint for me and a 3 hour glassy-eyed stare from the vicious looking fellow chewing his hand over in the corner of the room please
The Friar: hi, i'm staying at the travelodge down the road. goodbye.
Nutgroist: !!
Nutgroist: do you do bar food? great - well, i'll have a 'bar' of chocolate, a 'bar-sket' of crisps and a can of 'bar's irn-bru thank you very much
The Friar: hi, so this is the crown then - very nice. look, i was supposed to meet a colleague, a red-haired woman in a dark business suit, about 5ft 5, talks with a northern accent. i think she's possibly carrying a leather brief case as well. i said i'd see her at 6. what's the time now? half five? oh, ok, well i'm meeting her at the nag's head anyway, so i've got time for a pint here. pint of stella please.
Nutgroist: do you have any illegal drinks on sale? Well then you're under arrest - anything you say may be taken...oh, you don't? sorry, i thought you said you do. Pint please.


note: edited for clarity, identity and racism. hope you enjoy it, it's the last thing gonna be on the blog for a while.
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