Thursday, January 04, 2007
Like much else in my life, i have an on-again off-again relationship with this blog and feel there is a pressure to write something, anything just to fill the gap and be a regular writer of words and even entertain those readers who don't come here for Cuntbusting, Pigcocks, The World's Fattest Cock (the three most popular search terms that lead people here) - today's list included someone from the States googling "Fresh Hot Buggers" and someone from Peru after "Shitty Fingers". Recipes to all these dishes and more can be found in the archives.
Also to be found within are 2 New Years posts about inventions id like to see in the coming year.
04/05's here
here
here
here
and here
05/06's didnt exist so make that one new years post but i didnt know that at the outset of this post and nor did i know what i was and am going to write, which is unfortunately how i do everything. the resolution for this year is to develop a memory. piece of pisscake. i do know that i have two ideas for inventions, neither of them patently absurd nor patented full stop. i offer them to the world and his cuntbusting ways, free of charge*
1. Im really embarrassed about this because i think it's a disgraceful thing to do but i was thinking, if i was an overly protective parent who didnt want my precious and wholly innocent kids cycling more than 500 metres from my house, I'd buy a bike that had an immobiliser that kicks in when it leaves a 500 metre radius from my house - no matter how expensive, impractical or shit it actually is. Peace of mind and safety for my little unprotectables is paramount. There are, after all, Paedophiles absolutely everywhere. How does the device work? Satellites and shit. Or just a crude mileage counter - either way, it shifts the bike into a gear that is impossible to pedal through until it is turned around and aimed back at the house. Disgraceful. Could sell millions.
2. Could this be worse? A tv set for kids bedrooms without remote control or switches. The entire thing is controlled from a front panel, like on a microwave (and wouldnt that make a good dual-purpose machine?), so that parents can regulate the amount of hours their children can watch tv, the channels and times of day and night too. I would hate my parents forever for this - which is rich considering i had a tv in my room from age 5 with no restrictions and I hate them anyway (it was black and white). Another thing that will be rich - the tv manufacturer that makes these.
3. SmellPods - finally something completely absurd. OR IS IT?!?! Think of it, millions of people walking through their polluted urban environments with a little ipod sized machine in their pockets and a pair of nosephones shoved snugly up their nostrils pumping out some of the top scents and whiffs of today. An essential cosmetic remedy to street smells and great when sat next to foreigners on the subway. Will inevitably spawn a craze for the public dispersal of personal playlisting, as pointless as the original craze with ipod playlist sharing which handily stood in for genuine self-expression from those proud consumers with brand loyalty/no souls. Don't tell me it can't be done. I don't want to hear it.
4. A Baby-Specialiser - for busy, focused modern couples living 'lifestyles' who'd like children but dont really have the time to be there and don't trust an au pair on the wages they're prepared to pay, it's probably best for all concerned that they have a little one that grows up a bit lame. Much easier to take care of since they don't travel far and grow up without a lot of the confidence and expectation that their more able-bodied and swift-minded contemporaries have of life, should they befriend any. This can be achieved through controlled psychological damage too but it's easier on the child if it knows its fucked from day one. It's also the only option now that slipping the paediatrician a tenner has become frowned upon by society's so-called moral majority.
5. Cars that dont go very fast. What's the speed limit where you live?** 70 miles an hour? 80 maybe? What does it say on your spedometer? 120? 140? 160 even (Dad?)? Not really that necessary then is it? It's a bit like buying blank cd's and promising not to copy music you should be paying for onto them. Except people get very killed. Which leads me neatly onto...
6. Bromide for the Latins. Im sorry but im just a bit tired of watching men from the mediterranean ponce about the place like they've got 6 bollocks and a strawberry-flavoured dick. Stop killing bulls, stop driving so fast, stop crying when your football team wins/loses, stop trying to hump anyone or anything in a skirt within a million-mile radius of your absurd sunglasses and spiky haircut, stop making shit-awful tv where women still arent trusted to helm a programme on their own but instead have to co-present variety shows with lecherous older men, dancing girls and blokes in 3rd rate fancy-dress costumes. A succession of your best film directors have been taking the piss out of you for 50 years or more and you just don't seem to have taken the lesson to heart, so please, drink this daily and calm the fuck down. You might even get a decent army together for the first time in your collective histories.***
*this is not legally binding of course. i will sue your arse should you make any money out of these. actually, forget your arse just on this one occasion. i'll sue your money.
**please dont answer if you're German
***I know technically i should apologise for this out-and-out racism so please accept my technical apology and va fanculo
|
Also to be found within are 2 New Years posts about inventions id like to see in the coming year.
04/05's here
here
here
here
and here
05/06's didnt exist so make that one new years post but i didnt know that at the outset of this post and nor did i know what i was and am going to write, which is unfortunately how i do everything. the resolution for this year is to develop a memory. piece of pisscake. i do know that i have two ideas for inventions, neither of them patently absurd nor patented full stop. i offer them to the world and his cuntbusting ways, free of charge*
1. Im really embarrassed about this because i think it's a disgraceful thing to do but i was thinking, if i was an overly protective parent who didnt want my precious and wholly innocent kids cycling more than 500 metres from my house, I'd buy a bike that had an immobiliser that kicks in when it leaves a 500 metre radius from my house - no matter how expensive, impractical or shit it actually is. Peace of mind and safety for my little unprotectables is paramount. There are, after all, Paedophiles absolutely everywhere. How does the device work? Satellites and shit. Or just a crude mileage counter - either way, it shifts the bike into a gear that is impossible to pedal through until it is turned around and aimed back at the house. Disgraceful. Could sell millions.
2. Could this be worse? A tv set for kids bedrooms without remote control or switches. The entire thing is controlled from a front panel, like on a microwave (and wouldnt that make a good dual-purpose machine?), so that parents can regulate the amount of hours their children can watch tv, the channels and times of day and night too. I would hate my parents forever for this - which is rich considering i had a tv in my room from age 5 with no restrictions and I hate them anyway (it was black and white). Another thing that will be rich - the tv manufacturer that makes these.
3. SmellPods - finally something completely absurd. OR IS IT?!?! Think of it, millions of people walking through their polluted urban environments with a little ipod sized machine in their pockets and a pair of nosephones shoved snugly up their nostrils pumping out some of the top scents and whiffs of today. An essential cosmetic remedy to street smells and great when sat next to foreigners on the subway. Will inevitably spawn a craze for the public dispersal of personal playlisting, as pointless as the original craze with ipod playlist sharing which handily stood in for genuine self-expression from those proud consumers with brand loyalty/no souls. Don't tell me it can't be done. I don't want to hear it.
4. A Baby-Specialiser - for busy, focused modern couples living 'lifestyles' who'd like children but dont really have the time to be there and don't trust an au pair on the wages they're prepared to pay, it's probably best for all concerned that they have a little one that grows up a bit lame. Much easier to take care of since they don't travel far and grow up without a lot of the confidence and expectation that their more able-bodied and swift-minded contemporaries have of life, should they befriend any. This can be achieved through controlled psychological damage too but it's easier on the child if it knows its fucked from day one. It's also the only option now that slipping the paediatrician a tenner has become frowned upon by society's so-called moral majority.
5. Cars that dont go very fast. What's the speed limit where you live?** 70 miles an hour? 80 maybe? What does it say on your spedometer? 120? 140? 160 even (Dad?)? Not really that necessary then is it? It's a bit like buying blank cd's and promising not to copy music you should be paying for onto them. Except people get very killed. Which leads me neatly onto...
6. Bromide for the Latins. Im sorry but im just a bit tired of watching men from the mediterranean ponce about the place like they've got 6 bollocks and a strawberry-flavoured dick. Stop killing bulls, stop driving so fast, stop crying when your football team wins/loses, stop trying to hump anyone or anything in a skirt within a million-mile radius of your absurd sunglasses and spiky haircut, stop making shit-awful tv where women still arent trusted to helm a programme on their own but instead have to co-present variety shows with lecherous older men, dancing girls and blokes in 3rd rate fancy-dress costumes. A succession of your best film directors have been taking the piss out of you for 50 years or more and you just don't seem to have taken the lesson to heart, so please, drink this daily and calm the fuck down. You might even get a decent army together for the first time in your collective histories.***
*this is not legally binding of course. i will sue your arse should you make any money out of these. actually, forget your arse just on this one occasion. i'll sue your money.
**please dont answer if you're German
***I know technically i should apologise for this out-and-out racism so please accept my technical apology and va fanculo
|
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