Saturday, January 08, 2005
Fuck funny, i've been busy inventing things recently:
Black Fire: Just think of it - a nice black flame coming from a lighter, just the right shade of sinister to enhance your smoking experience. Would look great in the daylight. And rather mysterious at nighttime.
The Dryclean Dishwasher: Strap in all the cutlery and crockery, tight. Shut the door. Start the vacuum. Stop the vacuum. Start the steam. stop the steam. Remove clean plates and stuff. use the water you've saved on having a really big soup in your new shower (see below)
The Frigloo: A giant, house-shaped refrigerator you can live in. Insulate the walls on the inside as well so it's not too cold. As i understand it, a fridge cools things by passing an electric current through a couple of inert gases that go very cold. Are there similarly inert gases that go hot when electrified? We stick those in as a heating option. There will be a special, non-insulated part of the house where you can stick food, drinks and recalcitrant children. This will be known as the 'fridge room'.
The Kilnwasher: Don't bother with a dishwasher, sink and bin anymore. Just chuck all your used cutlery into one hole and your dirty crockery into another. They are then automatically ground down, food and all, into bits - more metal or plaster or whatever is then added, a choice of dyes is also introduced, everything gets very hot indeed and then somehow poured into appropriate moulds. Sometime later - hey presto - a new set of plates, bowls, cups, glasses, knives, forks and spoons. In fashionable 'flecked with food' designer styling.
A Soup Machine: Ingredients come dried or powdered in cartridges and are loaded into the machine. Connected to the mains, the water pipes and the internet - you control it by choosing any combination of flavours or a predetermined recipe. The machine does the rest. Range of flavours and materials would be vast. Orders delivery of new and replacement ingredients automatically and by past frequency of usage. You can even send your friends a soup. Space-age Pot Noodle at last.
An Omnidirectional Shower: no shower head as such. just a room with jets of water coming out from all the walls. you can choose which holes from which walls emit and which stay bunged. This includes jets coming up from the floor (and of course down from the ceiling. Who wouldnt want an upside-down shower, eh? You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your poor, long-suffering arsehole.
Free IKEA Lego Sets: Featuring reasonably accurate representations of everything they offer in-store, you take it home and play about with it until you find just what works and fits together. Another triumph for Dansko-Svenske world domesticomination.
Fizzy Yoghurt: Because...well, why not? I don't have to justify it to you. Just try it - you'll like it, i promise. (warning: contains Cowjuice Dioxide)
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Black Fire: Just think of it - a nice black flame coming from a lighter, just the right shade of sinister to enhance your smoking experience. Would look great in the daylight. And rather mysterious at nighttime.
The Dryclean Dishwasher: Strap in all the cutlery and crockery, tight. Shut the door. Start the vacuum. Stop the vacuum. Start the steam. stop the steam. Remove clean plates and stuff. use the water you've saved on having a really big soup in your new shower (see below)
The Frigloo: A giant, house-shaped refrigerator you can live in. Insulate the walls on the inside as well so it's not too cold. As i understand it, a fridge cools things by passing an electric current through a couple of inert gases that go very cold. Are there similarly inert gases that go hot when electrified? We stick those in as a heating option. There will be a special, non-insulated part of the house where you can stick food, drinks and recalcitrant children. This will be known as the 'fridge room'.
The Kilnwasher: Don't bother with a dishwasher, sink and bin anymore. Just chuck all your used cutlery into one hole and your dirty crockery into another. They are then automatically ground down, food and all, into bits - more metal or plaster or whatever is then added, a choice of dyes is also introduced, everything gets very hot indeed and then somehow poured into appropriate moulds. Sometime later - hey presto - a new set of plates, bowls, cups, glasses, knives, forks and spoons. In fashionable 'flecked with food' designer styling.
A Soup Machine: Ingredients come dried or powdered in cartridges and are loaded into the machine. Connected to the mains, the water pipes and the internet - you control it by choosing any combination of flavours or a predetermined recipe. The machine does the rest. Range of flavours and materials would be vast. Orders delivery of new and replacement ingredients automatically and by past frequency of usage. You can even send your friends a soup. Space-age Pot Noodle at last.
An Omnidirectional Shower: no shower head as such. just a room with jets of water coming out from all the walls. you can choose which holes from which walls emit and which stay bunged. This includes jets coming up from the floor (and of course down from the ceiling. Who wouldnt want an upside-down shower, eh? You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your poor, long-suffering arsehole.
Free IKEA Lego Sets: Featuring reasonably accurate representations of everything they offer in-store, you take it home and play about with it until you find just what works and fits together. Another triumph for Dansko-Svenske world domesticomination.
Fizzy Yoghurt: Because...well, why not? I don't have to justify it to you. Just try it - you'll like it, i promise. (warning: contains Cowjuice Dioxide)
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