Tuesday, January 11, 2005
An M.C. Escher Themepark: Do i even need to bother explaining how cool this would be? I'm not going to, either way. And besides, wonky staircase manufacturers, flying fish and giant chessboard makers could all do with a boost in business during this difficult time of year.
Personal Sponge Tank: why do you waste valuable money on household synthetic sponge products, when you can easily grow your own? visually thrilling, there's nothing like the atmospheric majesty of a deep-sea multi-cellular animal attached to a rock as the centrepiece of any home. And it eats water for the sake of fuck. It's the ultimate low-maintenance farm animal, whether you give it tender sweet loving or horrible neglect, chances are it will breed like the Plague and provide you with an everlasting supply of firm but bouncy children, never draining your cherished pet insurance premiums.
Live-wire Computer Keyboards: For those children who have truly failed to understand grammar and spelling, perhaps the only humane option left is to electrocute them through the keyboard everytime they make a mistake. But thanks to Microsoft Office's highly intelligent and never inaccurate Paperclip Assistant, it is a small matter to write a routine that sends a small to medium dose shock of electric voltage through the keyboard to EVERY offending letter-key BUT for the correct one. It thus becomes a fun game that kids can play in teams or alone, with a concrete goal and a useful life-lesson learned at the end of it. I see synthesisers as our next step. It's a delightful musical game of skill not chance, kind of like a Russian 'Simon Says', but not fatal. And speaking of Russia, wouldnt Pavlov be proud?
Glow-In-The-Dark Breast Implants: Would function exactly as your dipped beams, but mainly indoors. Would look great with a nice string of pearls spontaneously flung over them, I imagine.
A Melon with a 2 inch diameter hole in one end of it: washed and ready to beat
In an ideal world Johnson and Johnson (how aptly named they are) would make an identical product to their so-called Baby Oil and market it under the catch-all title 'Dick Oil'. This would save most shoppers the embarrassment of buying a bottle of Baby Oil without having a baby to hand at the checkout. We will continue to hope that the Vaseline Corporation of America will follow suit with a special jar of 'Vag Slimer', functionally exact (although perhaps not as 'gummy' on the palette if possible) to their winning Petroleum Jelly formula.
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Personal Sponge Tank: why do you waste valuable money on household synthetic sponge products, when you can easily grow your own? visually thrilling, there's nothing like the atmospheric majesty of a deep-sea multi-cellular animal attached to a rock as the centrepiece of any home. And it eats water for the sake of fuck. It's the ultimate low-maintenance farm animal, whether you give it tender sweet loving or horrible neglect, chances are it will breed like the Plague and provide you with an everlasting supply of firm but bouncy children, never draining your cherished pet insurance premiums.
Live-wire Computer Keyboards: For those children who have truly failed to understand grammar and spelling, perhaps the only humane option left is to electrocute them through the keyboard everytime they make a mistake. But thanks to Microsoft Office's highly intelligent and never inaccurate Paperclip Assistant, it is a small matter to write a routine that sends a small to medium dose shock of electric voltage through the keyboard to EVERY offending letter-key BUT for the correct one. It thus becomes a fun game that kids can play in teams or alone, with a concrete goal and a useful life-lesson learned at the end of it. I see synthesisers as our next step. It's a delightful musical game of skill not chance, kind of like a Russian 'Simon Says', but not fatal. And speaking of Russia, wouldnt Pavlov be proud?
Glow-In-The-Dark Breast Implants: Would function exactly as your dipped beams, but mainly indoors. Would look great with a nice string of pearls spontaneously flung over them, I imagine.
A Melon with a 2 inch diameter hole in one end of it: washed and ready to beat
In an ideal world Johnson and Johnson (how aptly named they are) would make an identical product to their so-called Baby Oil and market it under the catch-all title 'Dick Oil'. This would save most shoppers the embarrassment of buying a bottle of Baby Oil without having a baby to hand at the checkout. We will continue to hope that the Vaseline Corporation of America will follow suit with a special jar of 'Vag Slimer', functionally exact (although perhaps not as 'gummy' on the palette if possible) to their winning Petroleum Jelly formula.
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