Sunday, January 09, 2005
a few more devious devices:
The Double Toilet Seat: Dad likes to piss on the seat? Mum doesn't? Simple. Two toilet seats - one on top of the other. Dad can happily splosh away, leave pubes on the seat and do whatever he feels he has to do as Dad of the house - and in his favourite room no less. Mum comes in, tired of his crude ways and absolutely dying for a shit, simply lifts up the wee-bespattered fat-lipped mahogany bog-mouth and right underneath is another one! Clean and lovely, just like her bottom before Dad gets hold of it later.
(Which neatly brings me off to...)
Buttplug Knickers: A soft, wired front triangle that tapers off round the crotch into a small, barbed plug that is fitted snugly into the bumhole. Cures the dreaded visible panty-line AND irrational fears of anal sex. Fully machine washable.
Edible Pentops: Comes in a range of flavours and are made from chewy, durable dogbone material. Finally, the cancerless biro is reality.
Prosthetic Wrist Skin: Next time you write something important on the back of your hand, you can feel safe in the knowledge that when you get home you can peel it off and file it. A special filofax for such an endeavour can also be marketed. We could sell them in sheets of 50, make them water-resistant and flavour them like Parma Ham (for those who like to lick).
The 50-50 Saw: A serrated-edge saw that is only sharp going in one direction. In the other, it's as soft as Mother's first kiss on your balls. That way, when the Evil Woodcutter gets you and tries to saw your legs off (for how else will he keep you compliant for his weasel-fungus experiments?), you get an even chance of escape.
The Dyson Toilet Bowl: No need for toilet paper, water or Domestos, simply strap in your genitals, relax and um...maybe not, actually.
"Margerie? Get me the Patent Office!"
|
The Double Toilet Seat: Dad likes to piss on the seat? Mum doesn't? Simple. Two toilet seats - one on top of the other. Dad can happily splosh away, leave pubes on the seat and do whatever he feels he has to do as Dad of the house - and in his favourite room no less. Mum comes in, tired of his crude ways and absolutely dying for a shit, simply lifts up the wee-bespattered fat-lipped mahogany bog-mouth and right underneath is another one! Clean and lovely, just like her bottom before Dad gets hold of it later.
(Which neatly brings me off to...)
Buttplug Knickers: A soft, wired front triangle that tapers off round the crotch into a small, barbed plug that is fitted snugly into the bumhole. Cures the dreaded visible panty-line AND irrational fears of anal sex. Fully machine washable.
Edible Pentops: Comes in a range of flavours and are made from chewy, durable dogbone material. Finally, the cancerless biro is reality.
Prosthetic Wrist Skin: Next time you write something important on the back of your hand, you can feel safe in the knowledge that when you get home you can peel it off and file it. A special filofax for such an endeavour can also be marketed. We could sell them in sheets of 50, make them water-resistant and flavour them like Parma Ham (for those who like to lick).
The 50-50 Saw: A serrated-edge saw that is only sharp going in one direction. In the other, it's as soft as Mother's first kiss on your balls. That way, when the Evil Woodcutter gets you and tries to saw your legs off (for how else will he keep you compliant for his weasel-fungus experiments?), you get an even chance of escape.
The Dyson Toilet Bowl: No need for toilet paper, water or Domestos, simply strap in your genitals, relax and um...maybe not, actually.
"Margerie? Get me the Patent Office!"
|
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