Monday, August 29, 2005
We've been thinking of having a child recently. Or rather, she's been thinking of having one and I've been thinking of making one. Anyway, reading up on the subject, it turns out they can, if not managed correctly, cause quite a lot of extra work. So here's some of the top tips i've picked up in my extensive research:
1. Comfort Blankets: If you can't separate the child from the comfort blanket by peaceful means, in a quiet moment when no-one's looking, take it to the kitchen and burn it. Just singe its fingers, it'll soon learn.
2. Dummies: To suck or not to suck. Plan for the future with this simple formula here:- girl = good, boy = bad. He'll thank you for it in later life when he successfully gets through his 'curious' phase. She'll be thankful for the practice when she gets to high school. Her boyfriends will thank you
3. Circumcision: This one's the other way round: girl = bad, boy = good. they'll both thank you for it, the girl because that's frigging obvious (ahem). the boy because, though he may think he's missing something, he will at least not have a twisted wiry filament with a turnip for a father and a nicknack for a mother when he's growing up and comparing things at the urinals.
4. Temper Tantrums: The first time the little one puts up a fight and demands something they want - doesnt matter what it is or where you are - just get up and leave. If they follow, they've learnt. If they don't, what are you really losing?
5. Schooling: No child seriously wants to go to school, so my advice is to make home life so intolerable that they seek refuge in education. As soon as they learn that lesson, ease up on the home life so they get to enjoy both and have a happy childhood.
6. Child Abuse: Probably don't.
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1. Comfort Blankets: If you can't separate the child from the comfort blanket by peaceful means, in a quiet moment when no-one's looking, take it to the kitchen and burn it. Just singe its fingers, it'll soon learn.
2. Dummies: To suck or not to suck. Plan for the future with this simple formula here:- girl = good, boy = bad. He'll thank you for it in later life when he successfully gets through his 'curious' phase. She'll be thankful for the practice when she gets to high school. Her boyfriends will thank you
3. Circumcision: This one's the other way round: girl = bad, boy = good. they'll both thank you for it, the girl because that's frigging obvious (ahem). the boy because, though he may think he's missing something, he will at least not have a twisted wiry filament with a turnip for a father and a nicknack for a mother when he's growing up and comparing things at the urinals.
4. Temper Tantrums: The first time the little one puts up a fight and demands something they want - doesnt matter what it is or where you are - just get up and leave. If they follow, they've learnt. If they don't, what are you really losing?
5. Schooling: No child seriously wants to go to school, so my advice is to make home life so intolerable that they seek refuge in education. As soon as they learn that lesson, ease up on the home life so they get to enjoy both and have a happy childhood.
6. Child Abuse: Probably don't.
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