cNutgroist

dropped my borrowed laptop onto a concrete floor last night, hitting the wifi card i bought especially for it, thus saving the machine but damning the card and so I am without internet connectivity - even this post is not going to get uploaded unless there's another way of doing this.

but wait

what is that rather russet of hue native gentleman doing over yonder, besitting upon the ground in front of a fire and wafting great swathes of smoky billows withinto the airosphere? And for why is his ancient Cree carpet-weave connected to a Wireless Router?

Of course! It's Canada's very own traditional smoke-signal internet, 4000 years old and something I have just literally made up as i type without stopping or punctuating and will return to in due course to actually make funny. For now, im going to go over there, steal his land, introduce alcohol and smallpox, naively accept this harmless 'tobacco' gift and try and stick this post into his server - hope he's got firewire

*smug grin*
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How not to talk to a random woman you might meet in a bar, the other night, after doing a gig there:

"I only started talking to you because I needed a light"

"No, the stage persona is just an act. I'm not really like that. I don't swear or talk about disgusting things offstage."

"What does your name mean?"
-Holy
(looking her up and down) "I'll bet it does"

"The blue chalk on my hands? My family are going to think I've been wanking off a smurf"

(referring to her native country's evil dictator)
"How old is he now?"
-he just turned 53
"Well, happy birthday!"

"(LOUD VOICE) You're a stripper?! OH COOL!"

"You ..um...just... strip?"

"(LOUD VOICE) Of course you don't see what I've got to be nervous about. You take your clothes off in front of hundreds of people 5 times a week"
-SSSSHHHHHH! (mumbles) 5 times a night, actually
"(LOUD VOICE) Fuck!"

"What do you mean you 'hate Bob Marley'??!"

"I"ll buy you a car if you make this highly improbably trick shot.... *plop!* ..oh shit"

"I may not look it or sound but I'm very very very fucking drunk"

".................................."

"...................."

*heave*

"..........................."

"I don't know where I live and I don't have any money"
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I go to yoga most days and have been doing so since I got here. I've done it before in England and a few other places but never so intensively nor with such pleasure. The place here is a big studio loft overlooking one of the main streets in Toronto and is what a bored copywriter would call 'an oasis of calm', although I personally like it when a police siren or a mugging outside momentarily cuts into the atmosphere. These are the upsides, along with all the new moves i'm learning, some of the music they play and the fact that 99.999999999999999998% of the other participants are women (most of whom are not untasty, as they say). I admit to having problems concentrating on the yoga but it's for other reasons too: I have no attention span, my head is full of shit, I struggle with some of the moves but most of all it's because for most of the 90 minutes a day that i'm doing this I am in a perpetual battle with the bellicose army of farts that threaten to peep out from my bum on every downward-facing dog.

I know im not doing myself any favours because I typically go to the back of the room to do my yoga. Though it means I can fail to do a simple move without being seen and scorned by all the beautiful ladeez, it also means I am forced to face anything up to 18 of these womens' perfectly taut arses staring straight back at me, each with a beady cyclopean eye and pouty vertical mouth barely hidden by lycra (a textile that men quickly evolved the ability to see through, having managed to fetishize so it's now less a barrier to nudity and more an enhancement to the female form). This can make things hard. But the real reason I go to the back of the class is neither shyness nor perviness, but a strong desire not to let one off in someone's face. I am convinced that if I go to the front it WILL happen. And with the simple act of gassing into someone's face in an intimate, nay sacred space for all to see, hear and smell, I will be forced to run facefirst at the huge bay windows that look out onto the road below. I will not stop as I smack through the glass, I will not stop as I flail bloodily through the air half-shredded from the shards of glass and scorn, I will not stop when I hit the ground three floors below in relief that I've got away so quickly, compounded by the joy that I am dying rapidly and perhaps that not everybody in the class might have noticed what just happened. If by some stroke of luck I should not be dead, or indeed that I may have inadvertently and literally hit the ground running, I will not stop until I find a big fucking tram and I swear to you on the Bhagavad-Gita, King James Edition, I will throw myself under it with glee and, yes, even love.

So I'm there yesterday and as I go into Full Cobra for a split second I relax control of my valve (paradoxically since it's a real cheek-clencher), a little air-poo pops out and clips the air. No-one notices but I'm panicking because I can feel more brewing.

(Did I mention I eat a very vegetarian-inspired diet- only eat animal when I get a lust for it, usually about once a week with a lot of cabbage, beans and dried fruit?)

The pot starts to boil over just as we're asked to sit down on our mats and shift our but-tocks. I find my hand going down into my crack and with a mild stroke of genius, i muffle the ensuing torrent with my fingers. It's like putting a finger to your lips and whispering and im so pleased with myself.

And then the thought strikes me: "How have I got through life without knowing about this technique?" I think back to all the classical concerts I attended, the boring and bean-heavy family meals with guests, the endless State Dinners sat next to the Queen, my audience with The Pope - all of them taking a terrible toll on my anal clench. Does everyone else do this and I havent been told?
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And you only had to imagine for a brief period of time...



Many manly gratituduals (and happy reruns of the yesterday) to Ma Glisse, the slippery mother from the wet country who could make a second career out of manipulating my well-intentioned photos. It's gone beyond what i'd asked to be imagined and yet become more british as a result.

Oh im getting homesick for a place that doesnt exist again.
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I know, I know.... but just imagine
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Here it is again, closer up and STILL the same size as the traffic light. Proof positive, no?

I shan't be eating in the restaurant any time soon
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Here's the so-called Tallest Structure in the World, the CN Tower, which in reality is no bigger than a common-or-garden traffic light. Total rip-off.
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He's a painter, a writer, a lover, a fighter, a cooker, a nose-picker, a bog blocker, a curry monster, a big big tit man, a hairy bear, a genetic jew, spiritual atheist and physical buddhist, a HUGE James Blunt fan and many other things I could exaggerate beyond veracity, part of my best friend quadrangle (We only need one more for a satanic quorum, if anyone's interested) but above all else he's a poker player.

And now... blogger

http://the-strip.blogspot.com/
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[12:30] JJJJY01: right thats it
[12:30] JJJJY01: i'm doing a blog
[12:31] JJJJY01: NOW
[12:31] faraa3: go on
[12:31] faraa3: why?!
[12:31] JJJJY01: cos i've left it too long
[12:31] JJJJY01: nows as good a time as any
[12:31] JJJJY01: thing is
[12:31] JJJJY01: all my poker notes go into my note book
[12:31] JJJJY01: and get lost
[12:31] faraa3: right?
[12:31] JJJJY01: i need em all up on a webpage
[12:32] JJJJY01: so i can turn em into articles and shit
[12:32] JJJJY01: but how do you do yours ?
[12:32] JJJJY01: just thoughts and stuff as they come to you ?
[12:32] faraa3: what dyou mean 'how'?
[12:32] faraa3: er, yeah
[12:32] faraa3: usually
[12:32] JJJJY01: haha
[12:32] JJJJY01: Well Fred
[12:32] JJJJY01: you take a balloon
[12:33] faraa3: haha
[12:33] JJJJY01: so blogpsot ?
[12:33] JJJJY01: spot even
[12:33] faraa3: yeah
[12:33] faraa3: use blogspot
[12:33] faraa3: youre already on gmail
[12:34] faraa3: so you'll be able to use those details
[12:34] JJJJY01: oh right
[12:34] faraa3: youre basically already signed up
[12:34] JJJJY01: i'll be the judge of that
[12:36] JJJJY01: blog name ?
[12:36] faraa3: pinkhotpoker
[12:37] JJJJY01: haha
[12:37] faraa3: redhotpoker
[12:37] JJJJY01: StrippedBare
[12:37] faraa3: pokerdotcom
[12:37] faraa3: pokerdotdotdot
[12:37] JJJJY01: Edward II
[12:41] faraa3: anothershitblog
[12:41] JJJJY01: The Strip
[12:42] faraa3: got it....
[12:42] faraa3: PAINTSTRIPPER
[13:13] JJJJY01: ok
[13:13] faraa3: no?
[13:13] JJJJY01:http://the-strip.blogspot.com
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Beef and Salmon?!? The most outstanding story ever told in real estate?!?

You'll have to maim me to stop me from going
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But I have a question...
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Somebody, anybody, PLEASE, break my fucking heart will you?

I need to write
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Nope

Still nothing
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But the problem with having a great weekend is there's very little to write about

See?
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I had a great weekend

Thanks for asking!
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I've never liked this song - and even less so now:

Strangers in the dark
Exchanging fluids
Wandering in the park
What were the chances
We'd be sharing cuffs
Before the night was through?

Something in your arse was so inviting,
Something in your neck was so enticing,
Something in my wrist,
Told me I must have you.

Stranglers in the night, two horny psychos
We were stranglers in a fight
Up to the moment
When we heard our first 'noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo'.
Little did we know
Love a broken bottle away,
A warm embracing throttle away and -

Ever since that death we've been in tether.
Low on crystal meth, in jail forever.
It turned out so right,
For Strangeways in our plight.
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Like bumsex with barbed wire
in a necklace of car tires
set blazing with hot fire
Never say never again

Like kissing your mother
when she's kissing your brother
as he kisses his lover
...your dad, of all men

Like the spunk in your burger
that leads to the murder
of the gay Greek goat herder
who slopped it within

Like childbirth on acid
a handjob when flaccid
and humping a Hasid
on the News Live at Ten

Like labia linguine
and wanking a genie
in a cunt-hair bikini
That's the essence of Zen

Like the club of some seals
and an enema of eels
McDonald's happy meals
Evil lurks in all of them

Like blowjobs from bulldogs
eating Vietnamese Fried Frogs
and reviving your shit blogs
Never say never again


Like changing your mind
about all womankind
when you've heartily dined
and been finely wined
Giving Thanks for this find
leaving anger behind
as your coiled grief unwinds
seeing love be not blind
and no longer so pined
now unleashed from the bind
your life redefined
un-red-lined

Never say never again, again
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I'm not normally one for quoting - that's for cunts - and also, I simply cannot remember a bloody thing anyone's ever said, neither to me personally nor humanity.

But... R.D.Laing was born today. Well, 79 years ago this very day, obviously. If he was born today, I wouldn't have heard of him and you wouldn't be able to pretend you did ;)

I also wouldn't be able to gratuitously stick a bunch of his quotes in this post. The reason I think he's worth quoting is that, for me, he's one of those people you thank for figuring it all out for you, when you could barely glimpse the truth on your own. I think they call them 'specialists'.

Insanity - a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.

There is a great deal of pain in life and perhaps the only pain that can be avoided is the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent.

Whether life is worth living depends on whether there is love in life.

and my absolute favourite...

The ordinary person is a shriveled, dessicated fragment of what a person can be... what we call "normal" is a product of repression, denial, splitting, projection, introjection and other destructive action on experience. The "normally" alienated person, by reason of the fact that he acts more less like everyone else, is taken to be sane. Other forms of alienation are those that are labelled by the "normal" majority as bad or mad... can we not see that this voyage [schizophrenia] is not what we need to be cured of... but that it is itself a natural way of healing our own appalling state of alienation called normality?

of course, this has come up also because, well, what with all these strange murders that keep happening around me and the telly telling me i'm total fucking psyc... no, far from it, it's just that I went to a comedy club the other night and encountered Canada's Maddest Man 2006 and if i'm feeling up to it, I shall do no justice whatsoever to the experience by writing about it in a few days. Even now I'm questioning the reality of it all. It was so, so wrong.
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Right now, I live in Chinatown. It's the most extraordinary place, especially if you're used to the one street and a couple of alleyways that is Chinatown in London. That's not a town, it's a piddling little street where everyone speaks english. This place is huge and incredibly varied, with a couple of hundred far-eastern businesses operating at the very least. Sushi, Dim Sum, Korean, Thai, every region of Chinese cuisine you can think of, Tea Shops, Dessert Shops, I'd say you could get anything, anything you want, and don't want, here - and that includes Mogwai. Deep fried.

Walking back from 4 hours of yoga this morning (and the headstands i've been doing have made my neck ache so much I really need a massage and there are many establishments here, but none of them display their prices or professional qualifications and I can't think why), I felt calm, happy and incredibly hungry. So I stopped in at a Vietnamese place to get some fried noodles with seafood and fresh vegetables. And I found this, just above the spring rolls, on the menu....



I'm told it tastes just like Toad
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An extraodrinary fact I learnt today. Sly and Robbie, the reggae rhythm section behind up to 200,000 songs over the last 40 years (Sly reckons he drummed on half of all the records made in Jamaica in the late 70's) gave up smoking weed 1976!

This is Just. Not. Possible.
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Saw Trailer Park Boys: The Movie last night. Oh my silly God, it was hilarious. Demand an international release.
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Toronto's begging community are nothing if not inventive. The best I got in Dublin was a guy carrying a dictionary round and challenging your ego to define any word he might randomly pick. If you get it, he gives you money. If you don't, which you won't, you have to give him. A nice piece of gentle entertainment which can take a good 5 minutes from first approach through to final transaction. But here things are more quickfire.

Outside the huge cinema on Richmond and John yesterday was a guy with a cardboard sign proclaiming 'Homeless Jedi'. I didn't take a pic because I'm a housed Sith and it just wouldn't be right.

But walking east on Queen St W earlier, I did take a photo of this young lady. These pics always looked photoshopped up but sure enough, she was there and that's what she wanted. She told me as much. Should have given her some of the ethanol I had in my pocket but instead I tipped her generously.

For a Jew.
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once more, the Friar rubs my comedic thigh and dares me to dream...

I'm working on a selection of films, sitcoms and tv
> movies, 95% of them
> in my head, and the other 5% in my shed. They
> include:
>
>
>
> * Robin Hood and his Berry Men (a
> berry-themed Robin Hood
> series)
>
>
>
> * The Life and Times of Colonel Pimp
> (essentially the same as
> the original but with more prostitutes)
>
>
>
> * One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Breast
> (nature-based)
>
>
>
> * Star Feck (based in Dublin)
>
>
>
> * Roastbusters (meat-based Ghostbusters
> spin-off)
>
>
>
> * Robin Hood and his Berry Men II (if
> re-commissioned)
>
>
>
> * To Spill A Shocking Turd (the story of
> diarrhoea in the Deep
> South)
>
>
>
> * Gay For A Laugh (with Matthew Kelly)
>
>
>
> * The Gay Team (with Matthew Kelly)
>
>
>
> * Eat He (with Matthew Kelly)
>
>
>
> * Make Gay While Your Bum Pines
> (morality-based story with
> Matthew Kelly)
>
>
>
> * Raging Tull (boxing-based Jethro Tull
> miniseries)
>
>
>
> * The Tilling Fields (based in Cambodia but
> in a time of no
> conflicts)
>
>
>
> * Seven Brides for Seven Berries
> (berry-based musical movie)
>
>
>
> * Lawrence of Agaybia (with Matthew Kelly)
>
>
>
> All of them will be finished by later today.
>
>
>
> Good day.
>
>
>
> John Noakes

to which one could only respond in kind...

The Texas Chainstore Massacre - rednecks go on a
murderous rampage armed with a rusty Walmart

Desperate Mousewives - a group of middle-aged women
brought together by their regret at marrying mice

Law and Hors d'oeuvre - the new york detectives track
down more rogue crudites and errant prawn cocktails

Falco Crest - reality soap opera centred around
Amadeusly-rocked-to-deceasedom Austro-nungarian one-hit
wunderkind's genealogical issues

I'm a Celebrity, get me out of Her - a group of celebs
trapped inside Jordan with no map

Late Night Poke - green-baize gangbang featuring
Queens, Spades, Rough Diamonds and Broken Hearts,
dirty Aces, Pros, Dealers and a naked Jon Young

self-explanatory titles i cant be arsed to explain
myself:

Pete's Dragoon

Schindler's Lift

Eastbenders
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NewsTrack - Top News
Pope abolishes Limbo

VATICAN CITY, Oct. 4 (UPI) -- Pope Benedict XVI, after deliberation by Vatican theologians, is abolishing the concept of Limbo that put the souls of unbaptized infants at risk.

While it was never a formal part of the church's doctrine, the existence of Limbo was taught until recently to Catholics around the world, The Times of London said. Limbo was described in Britain as "a place of rest where the souls of the just who died before Christ were detained."

This week an international commission of theologians began its final deliberations on the concept of Limbo. Vatican sources told the newspaper it had concluded that all children who die do so in the expectation of "the universal salvation of God" and the "mediation of Christ", whether baptized or not.

A Times source said the theologians' finding basically says "that all children who die go to Heaven."

Has no-one thought of the consequences here? How many mothers of miscarried children will have to deal with this slap in the face to their grief? How many born-again Catholics will confused by all the prayers they sent for their unsaved relatives and ancestors? How many athletic Caribbean dancers has he just put out of work?
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On a mildly serious note, I'd like to place a gentleman's bet with anyone of an American disposition out there. So far this week, Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine, Physics and Chemistry and looking at the evidence, i'd say they were well deserved. It wouldnt surprise me if an American was awarded the Economics prize on Monday. They're quite good at that too.

But what are the chances an American will get the Nobel Peace Prize?
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