Monday, January 08, 2007
Thanks to Friar Couscous for actually writing a Bowie influenced song, rather than have it overtaken by sexual-frustration and veganism in the third verse. Something tells me he's getting a lot more meat and two veg than I am at the moment.
But I have at least discovered a new method of cooking and with that in mind, I'd like to explore some other kitchen innovations I think could be a positive boon to the jaded gourmet, lazy chef and pilled-up housewife alike.
1. Fucked with a hot rod. Split roasted. Edward the Seconded. Pulped friction. Hole roasted. Elementary cooking. Fuckaseed. If the rod is hot enough, any creature with an expansive enough orifice may be cooked from the inside out, female and male, dead and alive. The myth that a microwave cooks that way is about to be exposed yet again.
2. Crispy pigs. Pigs can get sunburn if they dont wallow enough in the summer (and if they're lucky enough to ever see daylight, outdoors or eachother) so it's simple - stop them wallowing and they'll crackle up. Simply remove the top layer of the pig when it's done and voila, you have a big sheet of fresh pork crackling and another, tenderer one on the way. Best of all, it's not cruel to pigs! Which is a lie! But what do you fucking care?
3. Lizard tails. Another renewable resource, almost definitely can replace frogs' legs as a less cruel alternative - and such variety: Hungry? I recommend Sir go for the well-seasoned , fresh-off-the-grill Iguana tail. Chameleon? Of course, sir - what colour would you like? Just fancy a snack? These gecko vestigials make great nibbles. Got a dinner party planned? We can get you prime Komodo at a competitive price.
4. Finding this, im reminded of about 7 years ago my brother and I once got quite far into the planning stages of what was to be a unique sushi experience. A restuarant in Japan that made the top sushi possible and served entirely on and *in* beautiful naked women. Don't tell me every businessman in the world isn't going to stop by that particular establishment on their way through Tokyo. (Say Ken, shall we play Pachinko, go to a Karaoke Bar or eat Bluefin Tuna Sashimi out of a cute 19yr old's shaven pussy? Gee, I don't know Bob. What do the wives want to do?) And don't tell me you could never do it. This is the country that produced Tampopo and used-panty vending machines - NOT an urban myth. Diners must use chopsticks at all times and cannot touch the 'dishes', just like in a lapdance club. The girls themselves will giggle coquettishly and the enormous tips they earn will go some way toward the intensive counselling they'll need when they attempt to rejoin society. I think we stopped this idea not because it's ludicruously absurd and shameful, no, but because I think we heard that someone was already doing it.
5. Following on from the George Foreman Grill, a Muhammad Ali Whisk. It's very clever because it's self-powered. You just hold it in the bowl and *bzzzzz* off it goes.
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But I have at least discovered a new method of cooking and with that in mind, I'd like to explore some other kitchen innovations I think could be a positive boon to the jaded gourmet, lazy chef and pilled-up housewife alike.
1. Fucked with a hot rod. Split roasted. Edward the Seconded. Pulped friction. Hole roasted. Elementary cooking. Fuckaseed. If the rod is hot enough, any creature with an expansive enough orifice may be cooked from the inside out, female and male, dead and alive. The myth that a microwave cooks that way is about to be exposed yet again.
2. Crispy pigs. Pigs can get sunburn if they dont wallow enough in the summer (and if they're lucky enough to ever see daylight, outdoors or eachother) so it's simple - stop them wallowing and they'll crackle up. Simply remove the top layer of the pig when it's done and voila, you have a big sheet of fresh pork crackling and another, tenderer one on the way. Best of all, it's not cruel to pigs! Which is a lie! But what do you fucking care?
3. Lizard tails. Another renewable resource, almost definitely can replace frogs' legs as a less cruel alternative - and such variety: Hungry? I recommend Sir go for the well-seasoned , fresh-off-the-grill Iguana tail. Chameleon? Of course, sir - what colour would you like? Just fancy a snack? These gecko vestigials make great nibbles. Got a dinner party planned? We can get you prime Komodo at a competitive price.
4. Finding this, im reminded of about 7 years ago my brother and I once got quite far into the planning stages of what was to be a unique sushi experience. A restuarant in Japan that made the top sushi possible and served entirely on and *in* beautiful naked women. Don't tell me every businessman in the world isn't going to stop by that particular establishment on their way through Tokyo. (Say Ken, shall we play Pachinko, go to a Karaoke Bar or eat Bluefin Tuna Sashimi out of a cute 19yr old's shaven pussy? Gee, I don't know Bob. What do the wives want to do?) And don't tell me you could never do it. This is the country that produced Tampopo and used-panty vending machines - NOT an urban myth. Diners must use chopsticks at all times and cannot touch the 'dishes', just like in a lapdance club. The girls themselves will giggle coquettishly and the enormous tips they earn will go some way toward the intensive counselling they'll need when they attempt to rejoin society. I think we stopped this idea not because it's ludicruously absurd and shameful, no, but because I think we heard that someone was already doing it.
5. Following on from the George Foreman Grill, a Muhammad Ali Whisk. It's very clever because it's self-powered. You just hold it in the bowl and *bzzzzz* off it goes.
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