Friday, June 24, 2005
Thanks to Friar Couscous for entertaining me this afternoon with a mutual q&a session, quite advertently providing me with something to blog. no point in saying who wrote what since we share the same sense of humour anyway (although the bastard seems to have controlling stock)
1. About whom was the song "We Are The World" written?
It was written by, for and about the entire population of the world, Earth - our planet, as a theme song to the hungry ones. Unfortunately crediting the composition to all 5.5 billion people at the time meant that the cost of distributing the royalties equally amongst the writers was a lot more trouble than it was worth. it also had a negative effect on record sales, since everyone that worked on the record was entitled to a complimentary free copy.
2. But tell me, please, which came first - the tortoise or the hare?
the reason that the tortoise was so slow was that he was constantly fiddling with his gibblets under his shell - or what we would term 'polishing the policeman's hat' - this distracted him from racing. the hare had no such distractions and was able to run very fast, but, as is in legend and myth re-told, became over-confident and sat down for a rest - the tortoise ovetook the hare and the rest is mythtory. but who did come first? well, it was the tortoise, who came at 1min 18sec, 4mins 12sec, 13min 49sec and 19min 01sec
3. what is the highest peak on earth?
Doug Mount Joy
...or is it Peak Freens, the famed European Biscuit mountain, found next to the legendary Cresta creamsoda lake?
4. What is the lowest sea on earth?
It is recorded officially as being performed by the one with the baritone voice in The Temptations' 1969 smash 'I Can't Get Next To You'.
5. How much would you get for a basket of eggs in 1899 Paris?
as you well know, there was a money drought in end-of-the-cycle Paris at that time then and profound hunger came at a price, so it was all barter and haggle, stealing and flesh-eating - so a basket of eggs in them days there would've got you in return a fresh Jabberwock talon, a box-set of Hale and Pace dvds or a little chinaman. Although what you'd do with him without a basket of eggs i really do not know.
6. Remind me, when was the First World War?
Well, let's start by clearing one thing up - there never was a 'First World War' as such. As I have mentioned several times on Cous Cous, there was a 4 year operation to dig the world's first ever trans-national trenches between 1914 and 1918. As you may have read, this was instigated by the Franco-German Trans-European Beer Pipe Project. Certainly, differences of opinion between the different national contractors led to some stand-offs and casualties were sustained. However, most of the people said to have been killed in the 'First World War' were in fact beer pipe trench workers who succumbed to the return of the Sky Claw in early 1919.
7. Now, what was the firm behind Britain's successful comedy duo, Little and Large?
Little and Large were, from the start, a front for a money-laundering operation involving hundreds of pounds. If any private investigators had cared to investigate privately they would have discovered that the name Syd Little was in fact merely a stage-name, his real name being Syd Smithers. Eddie Large's real name is Edward Large. They were forcibly hooked up together and given a bunch of third-hand piss-poor routines to tour round the country with and entertain the fatfaced masses - the plan was never to be successful, obviously - all in the service of a pair of bent policeman turned underworld overlords who needed to convert their wicked millions into clean, fresh moneyola. No one knows for sure who they are. No-one. Not even the people involved. Not even the people i'm about to name. But it's almost a complete certainty that The Firm behind Messrs Little and Large are none other than the infamous duo of terror Mr Thomas Cannon and Mr Robert Ball.
8. Why did the Kidney cross the road?
Because it thought it could get away with it. Several other bodily organs had crossed the road before then, with no apparent signs of retribution. However, little did they, and the kidney, know, that the road was waiting until it had been crossed one too many times, at which point it would unleash an awful retribution on all of those who had crossed it in the past. This happened on 27 August 1978, which has become known as 'The 27th of August 1978', when 23 bodily organs, including the unfortunate kidney, were pulped in a professional hit. B. A. Robertson (B.A. Hons) later released a song immortalising that day. It is called '27.8.78'.
9. How and when do street lamps get installed?
Traditionally, as the snows melt and winter turns to spring, we see the first baby street lamps, or lamplets as i'm deciding to call them, begin to shoot up and reflect back the very rays of the new rising sun upon which they owe their shitty lives. Ever since they were first planted back when man discovered how to tame the curse of electricity, these seedlings have been growing quite naturally without human intervention. However, a recent report by the British and Commonwealth Research Institute for Lovely Roads indicates that some additional nurturing and possible force-breeding may be required to keep up with current levels of increasing darkness. Especially at night.
10. How do MI6 recruit people these days?
Firstly, they advertise through local agencies for mundane jobs, such as bakery assistant, trainee fire engine cleaner, till slag or road navvy. They then monitor the recruits in their mundane roles and assess them for their ability to carry out spy work. Exactly how this assessment is performed remains classified. Workers who are classed as fit to spy are then turned 'operational'. Not that they are ever told - they just continue with their mundane jobs, being used, unawares, by MI6 as information-mules. This has been the practice since 1989, when it was decided that undercover operatives do a better job if they don't know that they are undercover, or operatives.
11. What does drugs do to people?
Drugs kill, first by getting you really really stoned, and then when you're all lovely and high they nip in round the back of your house and steal all your stuff. When you discover this, you attempt to take it back off of them but they cause a public scene, usually in Camden Market on a busy Saturday in June, and you're forced to flee smelling of incense and jossticks. Only later, when you return home and your drugs are there, romancing your family, do you decide to have it out with them there and then. Unfortunately, drugs have a lot more knife skills than you and you end up getting stabbed in the torso. To death, of course. It's the same old story, every single time
12. But where does Life come from?
'Life', or 'Death', as it is never called, comes from two sources, which combined in the late 1950s to produce the early prototype, 'Vitality'. The two sources, Jacques Santa-Crumbs and Heidi Phlegmar Bichbegone, then known simply as ViePotentialA and ViePotentialB were, at the time of their famous experiment, floating in ether just off the coast of Maybe, when they started, very slowly, to make love. They did this several times, using a then non-existent Jacques Loussier record to loosey they. After ninth months, a little life was born, which they badged 'Vitality'. 'Vitality' was killed by Satan in 1961, but the couple kept trying and eventually succeeded in creating an ongoing life form, Bartholomew, in 1967, and the presence of that Life gave life back to them, so they became Jacques and Heidi. Only through these events was the chicken and the egg mystery invented then solved.
13. But what goes bang in the night?
You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and know something's not quite right? It could have happened to you in childhood, it could have been on that caravan holiday in Trinidad, or perhaps it's a recurring sensation you get every now and again, every now? Either way, you throw back the curtains, look out upon a scene of unexpectedness and notice, out of the corner of your eye, the complete absence of everything. Then a little spark in your brain starts a slow fire that quickly smoulders into a burning torrent of fire and hotness that says, with all it's chemico-transformative might - , oh no, there's been another nuclear war.
No-one knows for sure, since all records were destroyed during the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that etc. but there do seem to have been an awful lot of them since the first atomic bomb was dropped. On Japan. In 1840. Hara-Kiri style.
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1. About whom was the song "We Are The World" written?
It was written by, for and about the entire population of the world, Earth - our planet, as a theme song to the hungry ones. Unfortunately crediting the composition to all 5.5 billion people at the time meant that the cost of distributing the royalties equally amongst the writers was a lot more trouble than it was worth. it also had a negative effect on record sales, since everyone that worked on the record was entitled to a complimentary free copy.
2. But tell me, please, which came first - the tortoise or the hare?
the reason that the tortoise was so slow was that he was constantly fiddling with his gibblets under his shell - or what we would term 'polishing the policeman's hat' - this distracted him from racing. the hare had no such distractions and was able to run very fast, but, as is in legend and myth re-told, became over-confident and sat down for a rest - the tortoise ovetook the hare and the rest is mythtory. but who did come first? well, it was the tortoise, who came at 1min 18sec, 4mins 12sec, 13min 49sec and 19min 01sec
3. what is the highest peak on earth?
Doug Mount Joy
...or is it Peak Freens, the famed European Biscuit mountain, found next to the legendary Cresta creamsoda lake?
4. What is the lowest sea on earth?
It is recorded officially as being performed by the one with the baritone voice in The Temptations' 1969 smash 'I Can't Get Next To You'.
5. How much would you get for a basket of eggs in 1899 Paris?
as you well know, there was a money drought in end-of-the-cycle Paris at that time then and profound hunger came at a price, so it was all barter and haggle, stealing and flesh-eating - so a basket of eggs in them days there would've got you in return a fresh Jabberwock talon, a box-set of Hale and Pace dvds or a little chinaman. Although what you'd do with him without a basket of eggs i really do not know.
6. Remind me, when was the First World War?
Well, let's start by clearing one thing up - there never was a 'First World War' as such. As I have mentioned several times on Cous Cous, there was a 4 year operation to dig the world's first ever trans-national trenches between 1914 and 1918. As you may have read, this was instigated by the Franco-German Trans-European Beer Pipe Project. Certainly, differences of opinion between the different national contractors led to some stand-offs and casualties were sustained. However, most of the people said to have been killed in the 'First World War' were in fact beer pipe trench workers who succumbed to the return of the Sky Claw in early 1919.
7. Now, what was the firm behind Britain's successful comedy duo, Little and Large?
Little and Large were, from the start, a front for a money-laundering operation involving hundreds of pounds. If any private investigators had cared to investigate privately they would have discovered that the name Syd Little was in fact merely a stage-name, his real name being Syd Smithers. Eddie Large's real name is Edward Large. They were forcibly hooked up together and given a bunch of third-hand piss-poor routines to tour round the country with and entertain the fatfaced masses - the plan was never to be successful, obviously - all in the service of a pair of bent policeman turned underworld overlords who needed to convert their wicked millions into clean, fresh moneyola. No one knows for sure who they are. No-one. Not even the people involved. Not even the people i'm about to name. But it's almost a complete certainty that The Firm behind Messrs Little and Large are none other than the infamous duo of terror Mr Thomas Cannon and Mr Robert Ball.
8. Why did the Kidney cross the road?
Because it thought it could get away with it. Several other bodily organs had crossed the road before then, with no apparent signs of retribution. However, little did they, and the kidney, know, that the road was waiting until it had been crossed one too many times, at which point it would unleash an awful retribution on all of those who had crossed it in the past. This happened on 27 August 1978, which has become known as 'The 27th of August 1978', when 23 bodily organs, including the unfortunate kidney, were pulped in a professional hit. B. A. Robertson (B.A. Hons) later released a song immortalising that day. It is called '27.8.78'.
9. How and when do street lamps get installed?
Traditionally, as the snows melt and winter turns to spring, we see the first baby street lamps, or lamplets as i'm deciding to call them, begin to shoot up and reflect back the very rays of the new rising sun upon which they owe their shitty lives. Ever since they were first planted back when man discovered how to tame the curse of electricity, these seedlings have been growing quite naturally without human intervention. However, a recent report by the British and Commonwealth Research Institute for Lovely Roads indicates that some additional nurturing and possible force-breeding may be required to keep up with current levels of increasing darkness. Especially at night.
10. How do MI6 recruit people these days?
Firstly, they advertise through local agencies for mundane jobs, such as bakery assistant, trainee fire engine cleaner, till slag or road navvy. They then monitor the recruits in their mundane roles and assess them for their ability to carry out spy work. Exactly how this assessment is performed remains classified. Workers who are classed as fit to spy are then turned 'operational'. Not that they are ever told - they just continue with their mundane jobs, being used, unawares, by MI6 as information-mules. This has been the practice since 1989, when it was decided that undercover operatives do a better job if they don't know that they are undercover, or operatives.
11. What does drugs do to people?
Drugs kill, first by getting you really really stoned, and then when you're all lovely and high they nip in round the back of your house and steal all your stuff. When you discover this, you attempt to take it back off of them but they cause a public scene, usually in Camden Market on a busy Saturday in June, and you're forced to flee smelling of incense and jossticks. Only later, when you return home and your drugs are there, romancing your family, do you decide to have it out with them there and then. Unfortunately, drugs have a lot more knife skills than you and you end up getting stabbed in the torso. To death, of course. It's the same old story, every single time
12. But where does Life come from?
'Life', or 'Death', as it is never called, comes from two sources, which combined in the late 1950s to produce the early prototype, 'Vitality'. The two sources, Jacques Santa-Crumbs and Heidi Phlegmar Bichbegone, then known simply as ViePotentialA and ViePotentialB were, at the time of their famous experiment, floating in ether just off the coast of Maybe, when they started, very slowly, to make love. They did this several times, using a then non-existent Jacques Loussier record to loosey they. After ninth months, a little life was born, which they badged 'Vitality'. 'Vitality' was killed by Satan in 1961, but the couple kept trying and eventually succeeded in creating an ongoing life form, Bartholomew, in 1967, and the presence of that Life gave life back to them, so they became Jacques and Heidi. Only through these events was the chicken and the egg mystery invented then solved.
13. But what goes bang in the night?
You know that feeling when you wake up in the morning and know something's not quite right? It could have happened to you in childhood, it could have been on that caravan holiday in Trinidad, or perhaps it's a recurring sensation you get every now and again, every now? Either way, you throw back the curtains, look out upon a scene of unexpectedness and notice, out of the corner of your eye, the complete absence of everything. Then a little spark in your brain starts a slow fire that quickly smoulders into a burning torrent of fire and hotness that says, with all it's chemico-transformative might - , oh no, there's been another nuclear war.
No-one knows for sure, since all records were destroyed during the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that etc. but there do seem to have been an awful lot of them since the first atomic bomb was dropped. On Japan. In 1840. Hara-Kiri style.
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