Sunday, May 30, 2004

Hello, is that the Foie Gras Emporium? I wonder, do you de-liver? A ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA ha ha!

Another day another dolour


Friday, May 28, 2004

and we never got to say a Last Goodbye

Seven years today

Seen the Day After Tomorrow?

Well if that's what Sunday has in store for us i'm going out tonight for one last fuck-and-kill spree.

Overheard at a fancy bar in town last night

Fan: Oh my god, it's really you isn't it? I can't believe this. Can I have your autograph please?

Celebrity: Sure.

Fan: You know, you're so much better looking in my wanks

Going to L'America for my holidays. Any advice?

'Look what I was born with'

That's the root of most discourse so far


Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Hi there, my name is Chris. I was doing some surfing and came across Nutgroist. I really like your blog. How did you find that someone searched google for "sticking drum sticks up your anus". There next search was probably "vat vaseline". I am doing an honors project, so I am compiling a lexicon of sexual terms, www.encyclopedia-of-sex.com. For this project to work I need to get people to submit the oddest words they know. I also need some help promoting this project and I was wondering if you'd be interesting in doing a link exchange. Any help you could lend
would be greatly appreciated. Here's my link Encyclopedia of Sex. Thanks again.

He doesn't even have 'gopping' yet, the time-honoured tradition of holding a piece of half-cooked bacon down your lover's throat on a piece of string until you're about to come, then violently yanking it out causing a rectal retching most conducive to a big dirty cum.

As if being a Hitler lover wasn't discrediting enough, it's his later reviews that really make me feel sorry for this chap

Totally flipped out and sweet

Hold me closer Tony Danza


Monday, May 24, 2004

To all the girls I've loved before
You'd better get a test

Next time an artist tells you they're exploring concepts or notions of such-and-such, do ask them what they found.


Saturday, May 22, 2004

The tv just asked "Whens'a you're Dolmio day?"


When will the madness end?


Friday, May 21, 2004

This week's searches. You know who you are. I'm glad I don't.

14 May, Fri, 14:48:54 Google: fuck maxine carr
14 May, Fri, 21:47:30 Google: fuck maxine carr
15 May, Sat, 12:43:45 Google: velvet arse
16 May, Sun, 23:39:20 Google: nutgroist spunksplatter
18 May, Tue, 13:18:17 Google: nutgroist
18 May, Tue, 15:49:18 Google: nutgroist
19 May, Wed, 16:34:54 Google: chicken fondue
19 May, Wed, 16:46:39 Google: les dennis testicular
19 May, Wed, 19:33:45 Google: "stringy chicken"
19 May, Wed, 22:14:41 Google: chicken fondue
20 May, Thu, 00:50:34 Google: "girl's meat"
20 May, Thu, 15:36:14 Google: NUDE WITHOUT SHAME PHOTOS
20 May, Thu, 15:42:58 Google: "smacked face"
20 May, Thu, 15:47:42 Google: nutgroist
20 May, Thu, 20:48:00 Google: belgians ceasar
21 May, Fri, 00:15:23 Google: buggery
21 May, Fri, 09:40:53 Google: "frottage cheese"
21 May, Fri, 16:19:55 Google: sticking drum sticks up your anus


Thursday, May 20, 2004

And again...

ginsterlad74: yep, yep, yep, i agree
faraa3: so do i
faraa3: definitely
ginsterlad74: well, reservedly but codicilically yes
faraa3: spastastic stuff
ginsterlad74: like an upside down ferris wheel going anti-clockwise
faraa3: like a wrong-way round mirror looking in the mirror
ginsterlad74: :-D
faraa3: like the mindwheels of your wind
ginsterlad74: and the gliders of your daymares
faraa3: like a snap of your bandersnatch in the middle of the night
ginsterlad74: a cracked egg that can't be opened, and a locked nut you can't sack
faraa3: like a chicken you can't peel and a sundial on the sun
ginsterlad74: gasping for water at the bottom of the ocean, a motionless kite in a wind tunnel universe
faraa3: a parrot made of carrot can't see through sheets of lead
ginsterlad74: faeces burning in the sun as the godesses of the dance imbibe its sweet parfum
faraa3: like the making of a fleetwood in a tango in the night
ginsterlad74: two small bird-snails masqueraded in a noxi-jus for the dying king
faraa3: the royal court feasts upon the decaying body politic braised in leg of law
ginsterlad74: :-D
ginsterlad74: jam of The Jam weltered in weller's wellies for the new wave of sandwich spreading
faraa3: automated spaniel conversion taking liberties at Liberty's
ginsterlad74: the edible parchment of ancient freedoms fed to the hungry militi-mob to sate the rumblings of ante-battle
faraa3: maximalist classicism in the state statutes of the statues
faraa3: ....sends me crazy with rape
ginsterlad74: !!!
ginsterlad74: a life of subtle punishments and herotic nightmares in the Royal Sir Adolf, Modena Old Town
faraa3: hump-faced excellentism meets Dandyman Spangles in a cock faced wonderland
ginsterlad74: the final despotic twist of philosophy's knife in the bride's bare breast, then the crowd disperses
faraa3: punch fucked by imperial decree lends credence to Modern Romance
ginsterlad74: the last stragglers of fascistic admini-slaughter are rounded up and asked to govern. stop the world, no more.
faraa3: deep within the parish allotment grows a motionless vegetable dolphin
ginsterlad74: fiddled with by uncle nero, the pain burns
faraa3: above the papal throne reads a sign: "Ballbagged until further notice"
ginsterlad74: mother chastity opens her legs for the first and last time to give the dying world it's final wish
faraa3: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
faraa3: The end is Nye shouts a heartless 14 yr old assembled thus - but it was the voice of the group mind which spake so
ginsterlad74: then the drums did silently roll in their heads, and the later reprieve was as much on her as on their collective conscience
faraa3: a new dawn cracked holding the threat of colostomy and the promise of violation
ginsterlad74: the manual evacuation of faeces left us licking the hospital floor to get home
faraa3: fancy foisted upon a crocodile seedling is become lukewarm evil
ginsterlad74: fashions came and went, but arnold, unbatted in tweed, still steered the bomber home before his furious masturbating suicide
faraa3: suck my spinach til the snot runs down my window
ginsterlad74: boyson exiled when kids were cheap as chips

crap joke of the day from a guy who memes no harm:

Q: Did you hear about the web-enabled monastery?

A: Full of monk e-business


Who's that then? Is it Lenny Bruce? Is it Dustin Hoffman maybe? Posted by Hello

It's Lenny Henry, whited-up for the film True Identity.


Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Can't get the theme tune to Porridgeout of my head

Headline 1:

Israelis fire on crowds in Gaza
At least 10 Palestinians are killed as Israeli forces fire on Palestinian protesters in Rafah in southern Gaza.

a few hours later, came

Headline 2:

President Bush called on Israel on Wednesday to exercise restraint in Gaza and to respect "innocent life"

and then a few hours after that,

Headline 3:

A US military aircraft reportedly fires at a wedding party, killing more than 40 people, reports say.

Drumroll please....


Please remove your hi-hat as you pay your respects for Elvin Jones, who died today.

If there's a heaven, it's about to get a whole lot noisier now he's back with Coltrane and Jimmy Garrison.

Tom Cruise whispering sweet scientology-laced nothings into your ear as his hook-nose brushes your cheek and his hands explore your insides.

I dreamt that I asked a friend what he would do if he went to Bergerac in France and he was walking around and noticed all the ground was pink and soft and there was a big hill with two caves in the middle, then you realised you'd actually arrived on 'Bergerac' the BBC detective show from the early 80's and you were walking on a massively stretched out facescape of the lead actor John Nettles. He replied with 'what would you do if you went home and noticed the rose bush in the front garden was based on John Nettles?'

As a similar friend once said to me in jest, 'You can't legislate your dreams, laddie'


Sunday, May 16, 2004

I'm no expert at Irish history but since i've been here i've seen loads of Black and tanned people and everyone seems to get along just fine.

She tells me 'the world is the best thing in the world'.

Remember Iraq, that place where they had that war? The one that ended last year. I knew it reminded me of something. This.

It all seemed so idiotic all the accusations of unpatriotic
The Fall we'll always remember, capitulating silence
election November before the winter
of the long hot summer
Somewhere in the desert
we raised the oil pressure
and waited for the weather
to get much better
for the new wind to blow in the storm
We tried to remember the history in the region
the French foreign legion, Imperialism,
Peter O'Toole and hate the Ayatollah
were all we learned in school
Not that we gave Hussein five billion
Not of our new debt partner the Syrian
and of course no mention of the Palestine situation
It was amazing how they steamrolled
They said eighty percent approval
but there was no one that I knew polled
No one had a reason for being in the Gulf
We waited for congress to speak up illegal build up
But no one would wake up
Our representatives were Milli Vanilli's
for corporate Dallas Cowboy Beverly Hillbillies
With perfect timing
the politicians rhyming their sentiments
so nicely oil gold and sand
my sediments precisely....
We regretfully support the lunacy
I'm afraid there is no time for more scrutiny
National unity preserve our community
Teflon© election opportunities
were in profundant abundance

On January second the Bush administration
announced a recession had stricken
the Nation the highest quarterly
earnings in ten years were posted
by Chevron©
Meanwhile a budget was placed in our hands
as the deadline in the sand came to an end
so much for the peace dividend
one billion a day is what we spent
and our grandchildren will pay for it 'til the end
When schools are unfunded
and kids don't get their diplomas
they get used for gun boat diplomacy
black or brown we see
bullet catchers for the slave master

Then the conservatives called up reservists
to active service left families nervous
but more importantly broke nine hundred a month
but the check came late, army red tape you see,
this golden opportunity
We watched the tube and read the newspaper
The propaganda of the gas masked raper
was the proper slander to whip up the hatred

The stage was lit and the lights were all faded
The pilots in night vision goggles Kuwaited and
generals masturbated
'til the fifteenth two days later they invaded
Not a single t.v. station expressed dissension or
hardly made mention to the censorship of information
from our kinder and gentler nation
blinder and mentaler retardation
The pilots said their bombs lit Baghdad
like a Christmas tree
It was the Christian thing to do you see
they didn't mention any casualties
no distinction between the real
and the proxy
only football analogies

We saw the bomb hole
We watched the Super Bowl
We saw the scud missile
We watched Bud© commercials
We saw the yellow ribbons
Saw pilots in prison
We never saw films of the dead...at eleven
Angela Davis addressed the spectators
and shouting above a rumbling generator said
if they insist on bringing us down
then let's shut the whole country down
Marching through the downtown
A hundred thousand became participants
and we heard the drums of millions off in the distance
rushing through the cities
some of them did things that weren't so pretty
most were there for primal scream therapy
news men concentrated
on the negative liked the jingoists more
peaceful protesters ended up
on the cutting room floor
Nintendo© casualties of the ratings war
More bombs dropped than in World War II
on in both Asian invasions, new world order persuasion,
Business as usual
for our nation
Could you imagine a hundred fifty thousand dead,
the city of Stockton
coffins locked in when we clocked in...not to mention
The loss of life on both sides
pushed the limits of resilience
The scent of blood in our nostrils
fuel of the fossil land of apostle
The blackness that covered the sky was not the only thing
that brought a tear to the eye or
the taste of anger to the tongues
of those too young to remember Vietnam

Is heroin better in a veteran's mind
than the memory of the dying laying in a line
Is it the smell or the shadows heaving and weeping
that keeps the soldier from sleeping
as he sings the orphan's lullaby
When the soldiers put down their bayonets
the strings are chained to the marionettes
Emir of Kuwait gets back in his jet
we replace the dead with new cadets
will we hate those who did the shelling
or will we hate those who weren't willing to do the killing
when the leaders of the bald eagles come home to roost
will we sing a song of praise and indebtedness
for our deliverance from evil
or will we sing a song of sadness
for the dreaded debt this mess delivered us PEOPLE.

Michael Franti (1992)

They say the secret of great comedy is

Can't get Blogspot Plus or Blogspot Pro? Try Blogspot ProPlus - fast, safe and addictive.


Saturday, May 15, 2004

I want to see this film. Won't you?


More IMDB madness


Friday, May 14, 2004

That's a clear case of serendipidididipididdipity in't it? I go meet the flemish force of lowland nature that is the bald Belgo-man and it turns out he's never tasted Guinness before so I act like his protector and take him through the rituals, all semi-made-up by me, and put the fear of god into him with tales of minerally, ironic (as in 'tasting of iron', right?), meaty, peaty, creamy degustatory experiences and i allow him to finally lift his glass ('wow! half a litre, right?') and of course he loves it. Straight off, just loves it. Clearly he's Belgian. I'd forgotten that Belgians basically ARE beer. They're born with the taste, we just acquire it after we've been sick on Southern Comfort and cheap cider. If then. So he insists we stay for a while, even though I made it a personal goal to take only one half of an hour for this so I could get home and work again. But we end up in deep conversation and it strikes me, very early on, that of course we don't know eachother at all. Sure, we pledged eachother eternal brotherhood back at the xmas do but really he doesn't remember a thing about it and i wish i didn't. Yes, he's a fascinating guy, good company and genuinely interested in you and the world around you, but he's got an edge and we certainly danced around it for a while. Illness, cloning, fatigue, the mongols, chechnya, daniel pearl, london, new york, rome, brussels, beer, wine, diet and many other things seeped through but what absolutely shocked me and, i think for the first time, was a genuine 'i'll be blogging this' moment was when he mentioned, casually, that he'd never seen Star Wars. And I quote,

'I seen some things, you know, like some 'beam me up, scotty' btu it's all just stupid shit, you know, not like reality at all. I like that jodie foster movie but it's got some grounding in the real world, right? not just like a whole new universe, i hate that. and my family hates it too.'

I was lost for words so i did what always do when words fail me: i fail them right back. i had to explain to him that it was unusual. he didnt get it. i asked him if he'd eaten at mcdonalds. 'of course'. and have you heard the music of elvis? 'sure,of course i have'. then how on earth have you managed to miss Star Wars all these years?

I never got a straight answer.

I wouldn't even bother with a trial for people like this. Exile, it's the only humane form of punishment.

Send them all to Australia, then send Australia into space

Listening to Ryan Adams, who i'm supposed to hate, working like a maniac (which i do hate) and going for a drink in a hour with a bald belgian who i met for 5 minutes at xmas when he tried to grope me on a dancefloor at our partners' office knees-up.

Clearly i'm very out of sorts this week. And lonely.

Incidentally, in the infernal hierarchy, does a Caco-Demon come above or below a straightforward, plain Demon? And which is better out of above or below?

If you could summon up spirits like that, what do you do then? Can you continue to hold down an office job when you've started down that path? Do you automatically stop watching football or listening to pop music because you're dealing with 'higher things'? Who bothers going on camping holidays or skiing when you're a darklord? I don't know, but it seems to me that if you could make bargains with spirits, it'd be like when you first discovered the web. The enormous, possibly infinite potential of what lies spread out before you is just too much to take in, so you end up doing nothing or looking for pictures of women shitting into dogs' mouths. For all I know the astral plane is just like this too. A little area of virtuous intention and a whole lot of messy, jaded, maleficent practices.

Still, it throws a bone into our nice well-ordered soup which we don't see til we've got to the bottom of the bowl. I just want science to take a hold of it and sort it out.


If it really worked you'd think we'd know about it by now.

Witchery and the like - it's quite popular all around the world but so is religion and there's scant evidence for that or we'd all be signing up.

A witch once told me 'don't get mixed up in sorcery' and made a very good case at the time. It scared me. But I was more surprised that Sorcerers even existed, let alone their practise of summoning up spirits. If you could summon up a spirit wouldn't you be telling everyone?

'Hey guys, guess what! Go on, guess. You'll never...'

Why go all secretive unless you've got something to hide? An embarassing secret maybe.

You put a spell on me???
Because I'm yours???
Stop what things I do?
You'd better be making this up, buster.

I'll run around all I like
You'll just have to learn to like it
Just like it
I'm not putting you down

Don't put a spell on me, alright?
I'm NOT yours



Thursday, May 13, 2004

A late entry has pushed itself forward, aptly

And I'm the only one?

My bastard really hurts.

I just used the word 'mate'. That won't be happening again, no no no. That's a cock-solid promise there won't be any more descents into matey, chummy, gor blimey lingo on this 'ere blog. It's all FUCKING BOLLOCKS innit, boss.

Why call someone 'boss' when they're clearly not your employer or supervisor? People who do it think, somehow, it's really clever, and they're somehow getting one up on every single person in the world they encounter who they have to interact with in some small way. It's a way of saying, of course, 'you're NOT my boss'. Further, it's saying 'you're a CUNT' and 'if I help you, it's just a coincidence that I'm working in a servile position which requires me to help you'. All very nice and self-estimable i'm sure, but for one problem: it doesn't work.. Nobody walks away from being called 'boss' feeling any less about themselves and any more about the guy who just called them so. Next time it happens to you, say 'thanks Boss' and walk away.

Of course, being cutting edge like me, you can soon move onto 'Cheers Captain' and 'Ta, Chief'. Because from what i've been led to understand, neither of those words carry any notions of respect when used these days.

You could just take the more radical approach and order them to sweep the floor and take out the rubbish after they've dealt with you. No matter what workplace you're in. Or just fire them on the spot.

Raises the question, how do you refer to yourself in the second person? As 'you'?

'Come off it, Mum, gis' you some money to buy you chips' Doesn't sound right, do it?

I know there's at least one sodium-happy blogger who can answer this. Maybe you'd like to give my other reader a chance first, mate

If I ever refer to myself in the third person, then please just come and smack him.


That should have read -

For Sale:


Ideal for hitting yourself etc etc

a big hello to those irregular visitors who came here, mostly via google, on the basis of these quests:

"about cuntbusting"
+"Filoma" + "convicted"
alfa romeo pikers
"brad wurst" sausage
Cuntbusting World
why don't somalians brush their teeth
"please suck my dick" story
double-cocked man

I hope you came what you got for


Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Tracy Pie, oh Tracy Pie
Obsessed with you, I don't know why
Was it your smile, your sense of fun
Or maybe when you saw you'd won
500 quid on 'Millionaire'
And said 'I fink that i'll stop vere'
And laughed because you truly know
That that's as far as you could go
Don't think there's shame in being thick
The smartest man can act the prick
At least you know your limitations
No time for mental masturbations
So Tarrant pushed you to a grand
You really should have made a stand
It's fine to say that it won't do.
Who wants to be a Millionaire? Not you


Monday, May 10, 2004

What do I amming?



Writer's Block

Well-used but sturdy. One violent male owner. Ideal for hitting yourself in the fucking head. Free to first caller with excess of ideas. Some minor cuts and bits of flesh visible.
Also a big bag of Shoulder Chips available, free to anyone who wants to be a Woody Allen.


Friday, May 07, 2004

I won’t eat pork, not tinned nor fresh
It tastes too much like human flesh.
No matter if it's dried and hung
It tastes of flesh from humans' young
The very thought doth make me hurl
It tastes of kid, especially girl.

There's tastes within those steaks so lean
Some hints of homo, sapien
Ignore the label 'Farm Assured'
That's only there to keep obscured
The thing they want you to ignore
Your breakage of the Natural Law

It's time to put away your dalliance
With ribs and chops and pork medallions
They look and taste of young girl's meat
Especially thighs and legs and feet
But bacon's evil if i'm blunt
It tastes just like..oh, forget it.


Thursday, May 06, 2004

I honestly had no idea that uprooting your entire life and moving to a strange country with no money and nowhere to live could be so difficult. I'm not finished yet so here's something i'd been saving for a rainy day, which seems appropriate now i'm in Ireland. Did i mention, once again, that we've tried to be equally nasty to all races and faiths so please don't take any special offence. You're not special.

ginsterlad74: slice of toast?
faraa3: hot buttered snatch
faraa3: and a steaming mug of lovely
ginsterlad74: two fried yes pleases and a fesh brewed mug of that's just what i needed
ginsterlad74: grilled leg of egg on a bed of roast toast
faraa3: :-D
faraa3: remember: deep fried brick of butter, panfried in butter and topped off with a slice of fresh butter
ginsterlad74: 12" muesli pizza with a sachet of milk dip
faraa3: how much for the 2 boiled bread and the tomato and Steven broth?
ginsterlad74: having trouble staying online? may i suggest grant's virtual glue?
faraa3: mine's a partly-cooked frozen hot frosties in a sauce of genuine concern
ginsterlad74: :-D
ginsterlad74: twenty chips please
faraa3: having trouble staying off-line? why not use a lawnmower to access the internet - 24/0
faraa3: 8-)
faraa3: a nice plate of egg and chip, please ta
ginsterlad74: for a faster connection - jenkins' condensed soul of I.T.
faraa3: for a slower connection - Dr Stevedore's Steam-Powered Frustration Engine Modem Device - .56k/h at only 2 coals per minute
ginsterlad74: can i have large chips, open and wrapped, a can of carbonated fish, and a large fried fanta
faraa3: :-P
faraa3: would you like some chips or an egg with that Brown Sauce, sir?
ginsterlad74: large doner, no meat, onions, salad, sauce or bread please
faraa3: burger and chips please mate - can you take the buts of fat out of the burger please? and the chips?
faraa3: (bits)
ginsterlad74: plate of raw money and a pint of suitcase please
faraa3: your self-service eat-in only restaurant please, to go
ginsterlad74: can i have a loaf of tasty and two iced naughties please
faraa3: i'll have the special, please? what? there's not special today? ok, in that case, i'll have the special
ginsterlad74: :-)
ginsterlad74: can i have one undetected murder and a thousand sleepless nights please
faraa3: !!
faraa3: gimme a pint of milk, some strawberry flavouring, two straws and a 4.9 on the Richter scale earthquake please
ginsterlad74: roast cress sally gunnell please
faraa3: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
faraa3: i'll have a roast thicket of hawthorn and a dozen poached roses
ginsterlad74: i'll have a lofty vantage point and my wife will have the same. well done please, thanks, well done. well done.
faraa3: !!
faraa3: just half a glass of spit please - i'm not feeling very well
ginsterlad74: :-D
faraa3: i'll have the live crow and no cutlery please
ginsterlad74: can i have the boiled victory in europe with cold cold war to follow
faraa3: !!
faraa3: (choking)
faraa3: we'd like to a large plate of boiled clams - can you leave the steamed waiter's hand attached please?
ginsterlad74: a plate of huntsman's disgust please
faraa3: a poached poacher and a boiled boiler please - with a fried friar for mains
ginsterlad74: can i have the vegetarian pig with cauliflower snout and pickled curly-waggers
faraa3: i'll have the vegetarian too please - does she come with or without her 1970's purple VW Beetle?
ginsterlad74: my wife will have the sunday roast, peter is going for the ceasar salad, oh but i'm not eating, so just a double cheeseburger and fries for me, thanks. actually i'll have the battered goat as well. how is it battered?
faraa3: I'll have the bleak future on a plate of crushed hopes and dreams please. And a lovely cup of tea
ginsterlad74: :-)
faraa3: What's this thing on the menu here? P-o-o? What's that like, then? Oooh, lovely
ginsterlad74: can i just have a glass of water please. actually no, make that a pint of snakebite
faraa3: what's the most expensive drink you've got in the building? Really? Wow! I'll just have a sherry please
ginsterlad74: do you take nothing?
faraa3: !!
faraa3: Lobster please? Oh, sorry, I didn't realise. I suppose I should have guessed from the uniforms and those little stars on your shirt. Sorry. Well, in that case, i'll have a Bacon Double Lobster Burger and WineShake, thanks
ginsterlad74: :-)
ginsterlad74: can i have the mcpate de fois gras and a half bottle of mcdom perignon please.
faraa3: I'd have liked a happy meal please. But unfortunately, I can't have it because I'm recently bereaved. Do you have a Sad Meal for me and the kids?
ginsterlad74: i'll have alphabet soup please, but for god's sake leave out the p's this time - you know they disagree with me.
ginsterlad74: by the way - Sad Meal for me and the kids deserves a 8-)
faraa3: i know this is going to sound funny but what i'd really like is for a really busty waitress to feed me her roast tits with a wistful tear in her eye. And some beans
ginsterlad74: my fat girlfriend will have a chicken mcteenagepregnancy and i'll go for the filet o' scum
faraa3: !!
faraa3: I'll have a Kentucky Fried Chicken please. Oh, this is Burger King? Ok, well, here's £3.50, now pop round the corner and go and get me one. Thanks in advance
ginsterlad74: have you got an old electric guitar for sale on the cheap? sorry to be serioso for uno minnitiiti
ginsterlad74: i met a pimp the other day who is working a hermetic prostitute...
faraa3: ?
ginsterlad74: he's the owner of a lonely tart
faraa3: nice
faraa3: Barman, can you pack these pints into a doggie bag please?
ginsterlad74: i'll have a pint of wife's curse and a list of local cells please
faraa3: two halves of what you fancy and a flagon of what you don't please
ginsterlad74: something you don't have on a bed of something you do please
faraa3: !!
faraa3: bottle of Old Pernicious and a pint of Cornish Pastybeer if you don't mind
ginsterlad74: a bottle of trouble and a packet of cheese regrets please
faraa3: Evening. can you call an ambulance and then stick a pint glass in my face please - save us both a lot of both come 20 minutes past last orders
ginsterlad74: :-)
faraa3: (bother - not both)
ginsterlad74: please don't serve me, you'll regret it
faraa3: just a nice milkshake i think. And can you possibly attach this pipe to my bum please?
ginsterlad74: i'd like a drink you've never served before - no mixing, just one pure drink of something you have on sale that you have never, ever served before. thanks.
faraa3: (wetting myself)
faraa3: hello. lovely to see you. how are you? yeah? not bad, not bad. Nice weather, eh? ooh, what do i want? how about a nice pint of beer, eh? yeah, bit unusual i know. oh, there's just one thing. can you sack that nigger standing next to you? i don't like the way he looks.
ginsterlad74: !!!
ginsterlad74: a pint of memories and a good strong hanky please barman. and if you see her.....no, it doesn't matter.
faraa3: !!
faraa3: how much are those salted peanuts? what about the dry roasted? alright then, just a packet of plain peanuts please. and a packet of salt. is there somewhere around here i can plug my oven in?
ginsterlad74: give me something that will give me the strength to do bloody murder, and hurry up, i've got work to do.
faraa3: pint of bitter please. Ice and a slice.
ginsterlad74: pint of stella and a packet of ready salted please...oh, and do you have a gay machine here?
faraa3: !!
faraa3: pint of guinness. and a world record
ginsterlad74: alright dave, i'm fucking going for it tonight - just been sacked and my wife's left me and took the kids with her. i'll have a babycham.
faraa3: excuse me Barman, look i'm in a dreadful hurry and i don't really want a drink. can i use your phone? it's a real emergency. Thanks a lot, mate. "Hello, is that the Nag's Head? Get a pint of John Smith's ready - i'm on my way"
ginsterlad74: (the best!!!)
ginsterlad74: double racism disguised by a live football match and some male bonding please
faraa3: just gimme a pint of your best customer and the keys to your contract
ginsterlad74: hi, sorry i'm knew to these parts, just moved in yesterday. can i have a sip of your slender wife?
faraa3: i'm trying to find the King's Head. This is it? Well i never. Thanks. Bye
ginsterlad74: !!!
ginsterlad74: is it true that this pub is on a ley-line? do you have sky sports?
faraa3: Good evening Barman. No.
ginsterlad74: me next! oh come on i've been standing here for ages! oh, hi, thanks - is there a good pub you could recommend around here?
faraa3: Just a pint for me and a 3 hour glassy-eyed stare from the vicious looking fellow chewing his hand over in the corner of the room please
ginsterlad74: hi, i'm staying at the travelodge down the road. goodbye.
faraa3: !!
faraa3: do you do bar food? great - well, i'll have a 'bar' of chocolate, a 'bar-sket' of crisps and a can of 'bar's irn-bru thank you very much
ginsterlad74: hi, so this is the crown then - very nice. look, i was supposed to meet a colleague, a red-haired woman in a dark business suit, about 5ft 5, talks with a northern accent. i think she's possibly carrying a leather brief case as well. i said i'd see her at 6. what's the time now? half five? oh, ok, well i'm meeting her at the nag's head anyway, so i've got time for a pint here. pint of stella please.
faraa3: do you have any illegal drinks on sale? Well then you're under arrest - anything you say may be taken...oh, you don't? sorry, i thought you said you do. Pint please


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