cNutgroist

I honestly had no idea that uprooting your entire life and moving to a strange country with no money and nowhere to live could be so difficult. I'm not finished yet so here's something i'd been saving for a rainy day, which seems appropriate now i'm in Ireland. Did i mention, once again, that we've tried to be equally nasty to all races and faiths so please don't take any special offence. You're not special.

ginsterlad74: slice of toast?
faraa3: hot buttered snatch
faraa3: and a steaming mug of lovely
ginsterlad74: two fried yes pleases and a fesh brewed mug of that's just what i needed
ginsterlad74: grilled leg of egg on a bed of roast toast
faraa3: :-D
faraa3: remember: deep fried brick of butter, panfried in butter and topped off with a slice of fresh butter
ginsterlad74: 12" muesli pizza with a sachet of milk dip
faraa3: how much for the 2 boiled bread and the tomato and Steven broth?
ginsterlad74: having trouble staying online? may i suggest grant's virtual glue?
faraa3: mine's a partly-cooked frozen hot frosties in a sauce of genuine concern
ginsterlad74: :-D
ginsterlad74: twenty chips please
faraa3: having trouble staying off-line? why not use a lawnmower to access the internet - 24/0
faraa3: 8-)
faraa3: a nice plate of egg and chip, please ta
ginsterlad74: for a faster connection - jenkins' condensed soul of I.T.
faraa3: for a slower connection - Dr Stevedore's Steam-Powered Frustration Engine Modem Device - .56k/h at only 2 coals per minute
ginsterlad74: can i have large chips, open and wrapped, a can of carbonated fish, and a large fried fanta
faraa3: :-P
faraa3: would you like some chips or an egg with that Brown Sauce, sir?
ginsterlad74: large doner, no meat, onions, salad, sauce or bread please
faraa3: burger and chips please mate - can you take the buts of fat out of the burger please? and the chips?
faraa3: (bits)
ginsterlad74: plate of raw money and a pint of suitcase please
faraa3: your self-service eat-in only restaurant please, to go
ginsterlad74: can i have a loaf of tasty and two iced naughties please
faraa3: i'll have the special, please? what? there's not special today? ok, in that case, i'll have the special
ginsterlad74: :-)
ginsterlad74: can i have one undetected murder and a thousand sleepless nights please
faraa3: !!
faraa3: gimme a pint of milk, some strawberry flavouring, two straws and a 4.9 on the Richter scale earthquake please
ginsterlad74: roast cress sally gunnell please
faraa3: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
faraa3: i'll have a roast thicket of hawthorn and a dozen poached roses
ginsterlad74: i'll have a lofty vantage point and my wife will have the same. well done please, thanks, well done. well done.
faraa3: !!
faraa3: just half a glass of spit please - i'm not feeling very well
ginsterlad74: :-D
faraa3: i'll have the live crow and no cutlery please
ginsterlad74: can i have the boiled victory in europe with cold cold war to follow
faraa3: !!
faraa3: (choking)
faraa3: we'd like to a large plate of boiled clams - can you leave the steamed waiter's hand attached please?
ginsterlad74: a plate of huntsman's disgust please
faraa3: a poached poacher and a boiled boiler please - with a fried friar for mains
ginsterlad74: can i have the vegetarian pig with cauliflower snout and pickled curly-waggers
faraa3: i'll have the vegetarian too please - does she come with or without her 1970's purple VW Beetle?
ginsterlad74: my wife will have the sunday roast, peter is going for the ceasar salad, oh but i'm not eating, so just a double cheeseburger and fries for me, thanks. actually i'll have the battered goat as well. how is it battered?
faraa3: I'll have the bleak future on a plate of crushed hopes and dreams please. And a lovely cup of tea
ginsterlad74: :-)
faraa3: What's this thing on the menu here? P-o-o? What's that like, then? Oooh, lovely
ginsterlad74: can i just have a glass of water please. actually no, make that a pint of snakebite
faraa3: what's the most expensive drink you've got in the building? Really? Wow! I'll just have a sherry please
ginsterlad74: do you take nothing?
faraa3: !!
faraa3: Lobster please? Oh, sorry, I didn't realise. I suppose I should have guessed from the uniforms and those little stars on your shirt. Sorry. Well, in that case, i'll have a Bacon Double Lobster Burger and WineShake, thanks
ginsterlad74: :-)
ginsterlad74: can i have the mcpate de fois gras and a half bottle of mcdom perignon please.
faraa3: I'd have liked a happy meal please. But unfortunately, I can't have it because I'm recently bereaved. Do you have a Sad Meal for me and the kids?
ginsterlad74: i'll have alphabet soup please, but for god's sake leave out the p's this time - you know they disagree with me.
ginsterlad74: by the way - Sad Meal for me and the kids deserves a 8-)
faraa3: i know this is going to sound funny but what i'd really like is for a really busty waitress to feed me her roast tits with a wistful tear in her eye. And some beans
ginsterlad74: my fat girlfriend will have a chicken mcteenagepregnancy and i'll go for the filet o' scum
faraa3: !!
faraa3: I'll have a Kentucky Fried Chicken please. Oh, this is Burger King? Ok, well, here's £3.50, now pop round the corner and go and get me one. Thanks in advance
ginsterlad74: have you got an old electric guitar for sale on the cheap? sorry to be serioso for uno minnitiiti
ginsterlad74: i met a pimp the other day who is working a hermetic prostitute...
faraa3: ?
ginsterlad74: he's the owner of a lonely tart
faraa3: nice
faraa3: Barman, can you pack these pints into a doggie bag please?
ginsterlad74: i'll have a pint of wife's curse and a list of local cells please
faraa3: two halves of what you fancy and a flagon of what you don't please
ginsterlad74: something you don't have on a bed of something you do please
faraa3: !!
faraa3: bottle of Old Pernicious and a pint of Cornish Pastybeer if you don't mind
ginsterlad74: a bottle of trouble and a packet of cheese regrets please
faraa3: Evening. can you call an ambulance and then stick a pint glass in my face please - save us both a lot of both come 20 minutes past last orders
ginsterlad74: :-)
faraa3: (bother - not both)
ginsterlad74: please don't serve me, you'll regret it
faraa3: just a nice milkshake i think. And can you possibly attach this pipe to my bum please?
ginsterlad74: i'd like a drink you've never served before - no mixing, just one pure drink of something you have on sale that you have never, ever served before. thanks.
faraa3: (wetting myself)
faraa3: hello. lovely to see you. how are you? yeah? not bad, not bad. Nice weather, eh? ooh, what do i want? how about a nice pint of beer, eh? yeah, bit unusual i know. oh, there's just one thing. can you sack that nigger standing next to you? i don't like the way he looks.
ginsterlad74: !!!
ginsterlad74: a pint of memories and a good strong hanky please barman. and if you see her.....no, it doesn't matter.
faraa3: !!
faraa3: how much are those salted peanuts? what about the dry roasted? alright then, just a packet of plain peanuts please. and a packet of salt. is there somewhere around here i can plug my oven in?
ginsterlad74: give me something that will give me the strength to do bloody murder, and hurry up, i've got work to do.
faraa3: pint of bitter please. Ice and a slice.
ginsterlad74: pint of stella and a packet of ready salted please...oh, and do you have a gay machine here?
faraa3: !!
faraa3: pint of guinness. and a world record
ginsterlad74: alright dave, i'm fucking going for it tonight - just been sacked and my wife's left me and took the kids with her. i'll have a babycham.
faraa3: excuse me Barman, look i'm in a dreadful hurry and i don't really want a drink. can i use your phone? it's a real emergency. Thanks a lot, mate. "Hello, is that the Nag's Head? Get a pint of John Smith's ready - i'm on my way"
ginsterlad74: (the best!!!)
ginsterlad74: double racism disguised by a live football match and some male bonding please
faraa3: just gimme a pint of your best customer and the keys to your contract
ginsterlad74: hi, sorry i'm knew to these parts, just moved in yesterday. can i have a sip of your slender wife?
faraa3: i'm trying to find the King's Head. This is it? Well i never. Thanks. Bye
ginsterlad74: !!!
ginsterlad74: is it true that this pub is on a ley-line? do you have sky sports?
faraa3: Good evening Barman. No.
ginsterlad74: me next! oh come on i've been standing here for ages! oh, hi, thanks - is there a good pub you could recommend around here?
faraa3: Just a pint for me and a 3 hour glassy-eyed stare from the vicious looking fellow chewing his hand over in the corner of the room please
ginsterlad74: hi, i'm staying at the travelodge down the road. goodbye.
faraa3: !!
faraa3: do you do bar food? great - well, i'll have a 'bar' of chocolate, a 'bar-sket' of crisps and a can of 'bar's irn-bru thank you very much
ginsterlad74: hi, so this is the crown then - very nice. look, i was supposed to meet a colleague, a red-haired woman in a dark business suit, about 5ft 5, talks with a northern accent. i think she's possibly carrying a leather brief case as well. i said i'd see her at 6. what's the time now? half five? oh, ok, well i'm meeting her at the nag's head anyway, so i've got time for a pint here. pint of stella please.
faraa3: do you have any illegal drinks on sale? Well then you're under arrest - anything you say may be taken...oh, you don't? sorry, i thought you said you do. Pint please
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