Thursday, February 01, 2007
There was a spot on KCRW last month about Death Row Prisoners' Last Meals. I was shocked to discover that the days of Lobster, Caviar and Dodo Egg feasts are long gone. I quote from www.foodreference.com
In the United States, the actual parameters of the last meal vary from state to state. Naturally there are limitations on the requests. You will not find any convicts chowing down on foie gras and Russian caviar before meeting their maker. Texas limits the meals to food that can be made within the prison. Florida imposes a twenty dollar price limit. Some states will allow take out from pizza parlors or other popular restaurants. Maryland conversely, does not offer its inmates a special last meal. Alcohol is universally forbidden and a final smoke depends on whether the prison is smoke-free or not.
Being on death row in Texas or Florida is bad enough, obviously but I absolutely refuse to be executed in Maryland. I wouldn't even risk committing murder there. There's just no way.
But it's got me thinking about what I'd have as my last meal. Would I go for something I never got to eat in my my life before (and unless that last-minute call for clemency from the Chief Rabbi is heeded, unlikely as it may be in Texas, I never will)? I've never eaten, um..... shit, what have I never eaten?
I've never had Camel or Giraffe or Rhino or Dolphin and I've never desperately wanted them. They're not world-renowned great delicacies either, as far as i know. Then again, I've eaten tinned Tuna a few times, so maybe I have had Dolphin and it wasn't spectacular. My dad extols grilled locusts and deep-fried guinea pig and they do sound perversely tasty, but what if i don't absolutely love them? It seems an absurd choice for a last meal. My grandfather's favourite meal was monkey brains by all accounts, but again, it seems wilfully odd (and pretty close to cannibalism) at a time like this to try something so new. It's probably an acquired taste and I don't want to be eating it going 'yeah, no, hmm, yeah, i can definitely see me getting used to this. i'll probably really appreciate it the next ti...'
Speaking of perverse and primative (sic), it's also not the moment to finally eat bum with chips, peas and gravy. Nor shall I follow it with a dessert of freshly chilled poo in hot custard either, not even if Friar Couscous himself walks in carrying a silver salver upon which sits a juicy deep-fried vagina with a lightly battered dick-dipper, I shall not be tempted. This is neither the time nor the place, thank you.
In fact, if I could have a 22 course tasting menu sent over directly from The Fat Duck or El Bulli, Im not sure I would. Do I want something that fantastic, that life-affirming just a few hours before I'm to get my brain burned out of my skull to satisfy the medieval bloodlust of a deeply-troubled modern society and a State Governor up for re-election?
And besides, nothing too fancy is going to be that filling either. For example, I don't think I could eat Fruits de Mer as a last meal, it seems too light, too frivolous and maybe just a touch too romantic for such an occasion. In fact, no seafood is going to cut it. I don't want to fill up on Moules Frites or Grilled Sea Bass or Crab in Black Bean Sauce or even Grilled Conger Eel, no matter how much I love them all. They're just not substantial enough by themselves. Rightly or wrongly, I always associate fish with alternatives to a hearty, meaty meal. You can slather it in as much beurre blanc as you like, it still doesn't give the same sensation as eating something with legs.
So it's going to be something I know and love. Sadly a lot of meals are connected to people and memories, so it just wouldn't seem right to have them on my own. It might be my favourite meal of all time, but I could never have roast lamb, buttered greens, yorkshire pud, beer gravy and 200 roasted spuds on my own. What would be the point? It's a collaborative meal, one to share with loved ones.
I could have Chicken Curry but only if it's my own recipe and i'm allowed to cook it. It wouldn't need much more than that and a big plate of basmati rice to make me deliriously happy. But if im not allowed to cook it then what's the point? I know just how I like it and no-one else is going to make it better. In fact, I can't even do it myself anymore. It's a recipe that I haven't achieved perfection in for at 3 or 4 years at least, so that's out.
Would it it be my childhood favourite, Steak and Chips (Rump and Rare from the Berni Inn)? That'd be hard to beat and sadly impossible to recreate, since the chain doesn't exist anymore. No chip will ever taste as good, I swear. Maybe I'd be persuaded by an evil slab of Kobe beef with a huge wodge of marrow on top and thrice-cooked frites but if im not allowed a bottle of very good Bordeaux with it, it's a curious form of torture Im not prepared to go through.
I could have gone for a big bucket of KFC with chips but for 3 crucial factors:
1. it's fucking disgusting
2. you call that chicken?
3. it tasted amazing in 1979. it tastes like shit today and even the chips have changed for the worse.
The same applies to a Big Mac meal. Once a glorious evening out and one of the few untainted happy memories of childhood for me was visiting McDonald's in the late 70's with my whole family. How naive we were to think it was so class but truly delicious it all was back then. When the Hot Apple Pie had real bits of apple in it, when everybody said it was Kangaroo Meat (as if they could really afford that!? how little we knew. Though it's interesting that we could easily believe it was not beef) and when the fries came in white paper packets that tasted almost as good as their contents. I date the decline of McDonald's in the UK to the moment when they removed Root Beer from the menu. It still feels wrong to drink anything else with a meal there (not that i've eaten there in many years). I was 6 when I ate my first Big Mac. And my second, straight after the first. It was complete heaven on earth and none have ever tasted as good since. I spent the next 16 hours on a plane to South Africa, silently farting every 15 seconds and loudly, repetitively excusing myself just as my mother had taught me to do. The businessman who I sat next to was very understanding.
I wouldn't say no to a Nando's chicken with chips, rice and extra-hot sauce. But why stop at Nando's when I could have the real thing flown over from Portugal or, even better, Mozambique? Yeah, it's a pretty tasty meal and definitely my kind of soul food. Yet I can't help feeling it's food that doesn't travel well (not sure they treat their chickens any better than KFC either). It works in a Nando's just barely and that's mainly because all the staff, decor and music are from Africa. But really, is it a last meal ever? I don't think so.
Could all this pondering be related to my ongoing veganism? Why yes, I think it could.
So after 'much' thought and because i've got to get back to work, I think i've settled on my final meal at last*
Rhubarb Leaf Salad
Take a big bunch of raw rhubarb leaves, mix with tomato leaves and green potato tubers, dress with a nice vin-regret of nolive oil and mustdead
Chicken Sashimi
Remove skin from breasts and slice into wafer-thin strips. Raw chicken can be a bit bland so i'd recommend a corn-fed variety at the least. Maybe a Poulet de Bresse. Have a big dollop of Wasabi on hand too. Be sure to wash hands, knife and chopping board after preparation as you dont want to spread bacteria everywhere.
Pork Tartare
Take a good piece of Organic Pork and again, slice ultra-thin as if it were prosciutto (which it is, only fresher). Dress with raw bitter almonds and a puree of apple pips.
Colourful Mushrooms on Toast
Gather all the mushrooms you can find in a forest, the crazier looking the better and fry them up in butter and garlic. Add parsley and introduce to toast.
The pooey-bit-on-the-back-of-the-Shrimp Gumbo.
Sure, it's labour intensive but this is a mighty fine southern stew. Good eating. If possible, use whole Fugu and Squid Spines as a stock.
*legal disclaimer - if you're damn fool enough to actually try any of these recipes, i take no responsibility whatsoever for the consequences^. I do suggest you nominate yourself for a Darwin Award though
^certain death
|
In the United States, the actual parameters of the last meal vary from state to state. Naturally there are limitations on the requests. You will not find any convicts chowing down on foie gras and Russian caviar before meeting their maker. Texas limits the meals to food that can be made within the prison. Florida imposes a twenty dollar price limit. Some states will allow take out from pizza parlors or other popular restaurants. Maryland conversely, does not offer its inmates a special last meal. Alcohol is universally forbidden and a final smoke depends on whether the prison is smoke-free or not.
Being on death row in Texas or Florida is bad enough, obviously but I absolutely refuse to be executed in Maryland. I wouldn't even risk committing murder there. There's just no way.
But it's got me thinking about what I'd have as my last meal. Would I go for something I never got to eat in my my life before (and unless that last-minute call for clemency from the Chief Rabbi is heeded, unlikely as it may be in Texas, I never will)? I've never eaten, um..... shit, what have I never eaten?
I've never had Camel or Giraffe or Rhino or Dolphin and I've never desperately wanted them. They're not world-renowned great delicacies either, as far as i know. Then again, I've eaten tinned Tuna a few times, so maybe I have had Dolphin and it wasn't spectacular. My dad extols grilled locusts and deep-fried guinea pig and they do sound perversely tasty, but what if i don't absolutely love them? It seems an absurd choice for a last meal. My grandfather's favourite meal was monkey brains by all accounts, but again, it seems wilfully odd (and pretty close to cannibalism) at a time like this to try something so new. It's probably an acquired taste and I don't want to be eating it going 'yeah, no, hmm, yeah, i can definitely see me getting used to this. i'll probably really appreciate it the next ti...'
Speaking of perverse and primative (sic), it's also not the moment to finally eat bum with chips, peas and gravy. Nor shall I follow it with a dessert of freshly chilled poo in hot custard either, not even if Friar Couscous himself walks in carrying a silver salver upon which sits a juicy deep-fried vagina with a lightly battered dick-dipper, I shall not be tempted. This is neither the time nor the place, thank you.
In fact, if I could have a 22 course tasting menu sent over directly from The Fat Duck or El Bulli, Im not sure I would. Do I want something that fantastic, that life-affirming just a few hours before I'm to get my brain burned out of my skull to satisfy the medieval bloodlust of a deeply-troubled modern society and a State Governor up for re-election?
And besides, nothing too fancy is going to be that filling either. For example, I don't think I could eat Fruits de Mer as a last meal, it seems too light, too frivolous and maybe just a touch too romantic for such an occasion. In fact, no seafood is going to cut it. I don't want to fill up on Moules Frites or Grilled Sea Bass or Crab in Black Bean Sauce or even Grilled Conger Eel, no matter how much I love them all. They're just not substantial enough by themselves. Rightly or wrongly, I always associate fish with alternatives to a hearty, meaty meal. You can slather it in as much beurre blanc as you like, it still doesn't give the same sensation as eating something with legs.
So it's going to be something I know and love. Sadly a lot of meals are connected to people and memories, so it just wouldn't seem right to have them on my own. It might be my favourite meal of all time, but I could never have roast lamb, buttered greens, yorkshire pud, beer gravy and 200 roasted spuds on my own. What would be the point? It's a collaborative meal, one to share with loved ones.
I could have Chicken Curry but only if it's my own recipe and i'm allowed to cook it. It wouldn't need much more than that and a big plate of basmati rice to make me deliriously happy. But if im not allowed to cook it then what's the point? I know just how I like it and no-one else is going to make it better. In fact, I can't even do it myself anymore. It's a recipe that I haven't achieved perfection in for at 3 or 4 years at least, so that's out.
Would it it be my childhood favourite, Steak and Chips (Rump and Rare from the Berni Inn)? That'd be hard to beat and sadly impossible to recreate, since the chain doesn't exist anymore. No chip will ever taste as good, I swear. Maybe I'd be persuaded by an evil slab of Kobe beef with a huge wodge of marrow on top and thrice-cooked frites but if im not allowed a bottle of very good Bordeaux with it, it's a curious form of torture Im not prepared to go through.
I could have gone for a big bucket of KFC with chips but for 3 crucial factors:
1. it's fucking disgusting
2. you call that chicken?
3. it tasted amazing in 1979. it tastes like shit today and even the chips have changed for the worse.
The same applies to a Big Mac meal. Once a glorious evening out and one of the few untainted happy memories of childhood for me was visiting McDonald's in the late 70's with my whole family. How naive we were to think it was so class but truly delicious it all was back then. When the Hot Apple Pie had real bits of apple in it, when everybody said it was Kangaroo Meat (as if they could really afford that!? how little we knew. Though it's interesting that we could easily believe it was not beef) and when the fries came in white paper packets that tasted almost as good as their contents. I date the decline of McDonald's in the UK to the moment when they removed Root Beer from the menu. It still feels wrong to drink anything else with a meal there (not that i've eaten there in many years). I was 6 when I ate my first Big Mac. And my second, straight after the first. It was complete heaven on earth and none have ever tasted as good since. I spent the next 16 hours on a plane to South Africa, silently farting every 15 seconds and loudly, repetitively excusing myself just as my mother had taught me to do. The businessman who I sat next to was very understanding.
I wouldn't say no to a Nando's chicken with chips, rice and extra-hot sauce. But why stop at Nando's when I could have the real thing flown over from Portugal or, even better, Mozambique? Yeah, it's a pretty tasty meal and definitely my kind of soul food. Yet I can't help feeling it's food that doesn't travel well (not sure they treat their chickens any better than KFC either). It works in a Nando's just barely and that's mainly because all the staff, decor and music are from Africa. But really, is it a last meal ever? I don't think so.
Could all this pondering be related to my ongoing veganism? Why yes, I think it could.
So after 'much' thought and because i've got to get back to work, I think i've settled on my final meal at last*
Rhubarb Leaf Salad
Take a big bunch of raw rhubarb leaves, mix with tomato leaves and green potato tubers, dress with a nice vin-regret of nolive oil and mustdead
Chicken Sashimi
Remove skin from breasts and slice into wafer-thin strips. Raw chicken can be a bit bland so i'd recommend a corn-fed variety at the least. Maybe a Poulet de Bresse. Have a big dollop of Wasabi on hand too. Be sure to wash hands, knife and chopping board after preparation as you dont want to spread bacteria everywhere.
Pork Tartare
Take a good piece of Organic Pork and again, slice ultra-thin as if it were prosciutto (which it is, only fresher). Dress with raw bitter almonds and a puree of apple pips.
Colourful Mushrooms on Toast
Gather all the mushrooms you can find in a forest, the crazier looking the better and fry them up in butter and garlic. Add parsley and introduce to toast.
The pooey-bit-on-the-back-of-the-Shrimp Gumbo.
Sure, it's labour intensive but this is a mighty fine southern stew. Good eating. If possible, use whole Fugu and Squid Spines as a stock.
*legal disclaimer - if you're damn fool enough to actually try any of these recipes, i take no responsibility whatsoever for the consequences^. I do suggest you nominate yourself for a Darwin Award though
^certain death
|
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