Saturday, February 03, 2007
The inventiveness of Toronto's homeless community knows no bounds. I was just chased down in the street, literally chased down, by an old guy holding a shitty Tim Horton's empty paper cup and pressingly queried with this:
"Hey, buddy, can you spare half a million dollars?"
That's some twisted genius right there. For of course I can't spare that much money - who can? And out of those who can, would? But it's designed to get you thinking about what you can spare and for the right kind of person automatically illicits a recompensatory response. If he asked for a dollar, most times you'd say no or sorry and whisk yourself away, feeling bad maybe but leaving him empty-handed nevertheless (and by extension empty-veined, -lunged or -livered because they're all addicts, arent they? Well arent they?!). But to ask for a ludicruous sum of money is to engage your interest in the proposition in the first place and thence to implant the idea in your head that, even though you know they're not serious, perhaps you can help out anyway with a bit of spare change. What's a dollar, anyway? There are almost 5 million people in Toronto; if he gets a dollar out of just ten percent, he's made his target and you should be happy for him.
Actually, 90 cents seems to be the fashionable asking price these days, for similar reasons - you don't ask for change when you're giving money away. You should be able to, perhaps of all the situations in the world handing over a gift is the time you're most justified in dictating without conditions the precise value, yet we are made to feel like we can't. For some reason it feels crushingly awkward to hand over a note and ask for some coins back. Some say the reason is because it belies your still-selfish nature and some say it makes you look like a dick but I think the reason is because this is not a simple, one-sided transaction. It's not just that many, if not all acts of charity are carried out from a motive of self-interest - enlightened perhaps, but nevertheless it's done for one's own benefit as much the recipients'. The other side of the spare coin is that the beggar is not only providing a service for you (Irregular Guilt Assuagement), the key thing is that he knows it. Once you've stopped to take notice of him, he is essentially in control of the situation. You will give him money, there's very little doubt about that. Just how much is up to both of you though be warned, your hand may be doing the coin selecting but if he or she is a skilled vagabond, it is as if they have taken momentary control of your essential motor functions and before you know it, you've handed them a goodly proportion more than the usual.
I did stop for an old lady who was clearly a bit addled though not obviously homeless last week and ended up not giving her any money, though I don't recommend it. Of course, once you've stopped, as noted above, it's impossible to move on again (I didn't realise she was asking me for money or i'd not have stopped) and yet I did manage to get out of it because my phone rang as i was fishing in my pockets for a cigarette to give her and as I answered it, stared her in the face with a very severe and mildly apologetic expression and left her in the street, empty-handed and most decidedly befuddled. I felt pretty shit too.
The reason I give cigarettes over money (not always, but it's my preference) is that I really don't want them spending money on stuff that will kill them and if this sounds hypocritical, then i'm pleased that i've written a successful sentence. I also would prefer not to smoke, so it's my preferred way of cutting down. I am taking back 5 minutes of my life every time I give a cigarette away; I'm also shortening that person's life by 5 minutes, which i'm not overly fussed about since they're not enjoying it anyway. Then there's the reason that I don't mind helping people out - quite the opposite, i wish i could dedicate more time and energy to it than this meagre practice - but i prefer to do it on my own terms. Yes, if you've got the temerity to try and hussle some money out of me, i guess you deserve a reward (though not the Hoser prick that sells the homeless paper on Bloor and Yonge, who I swear I will turn round and fucking deck if he tries his agressive and manipulative shit on me again). It's just that Im not going to give you what you ask for. I will dictate what it is I give you, as is my right since im the fucking donor. If you want a really nice gift, like some fruit or a sandwich or some money, my advice to you is to sit there looking very miserable, wretched even and not solicit money or even attention from passers-by. You will get preferential treatment from people like me, if there are any.
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"Hey, buddy, can you spare half a million dollars?"
That's some twisted genius right there. For of course I can't spare that much money - who can? And out of those who can, would? But it's designed to get you thinking about what you can spare and for the right kind of person automatically illicits a recompensatory response. If he asked for a dollar, most times you'd say no or sorry and whisk yourself away, feeling bad maybe but leaving him empty-handed nevertheless (and by extension empty-veined, -lunged or -livered because they're all addicts, arent they? Well arent they?!). But to ask for a ludicruous sum of money is to engage your interest in the proposition in the first place and thence to implant the idea in your head that, even though you know they're not serious, perhaps you can help out anyway with a bit of spare change. What's a dollar, anyway? There are almost 5 million people in Toronto; if he gets a dollar out of just ten percent, he's made his target and you should be happy for him.
Actually, 90 cents seems to be the fashionable asking price these days, for similar reasons - you don't ask for change when you're giving money away. You should be able to, perhaps of all the situations in the world handing over a gift is the time you're most justified in dictating without conditions the precise value, yet we are made to feel like we can't. For some reason it feels crushingly awkward to hand over a note and ask for some coins back. Some say the reason is because it belies your still-selfish nature and some say it makes you look like a dick but I think the reason is because this is not a simple, one-sided transaction. It's not just that many, if not all acts of charity are carried out from a motive of self-interest - enlightened perhaps, but nevertheless it's done for one's own benefit as much the recipients'. The other side of the spare coin is that the beggar is not only providing a service for you (Irregular Guilt Assuagement), the key thing is that he knows it. Once you've stopped to take notice of him, he is essentially in control of the situation. You will give him money, there's very little doubt about that. Just how much is up to both of you though be warned, your hand may be doing the coin selecting but if he or she is a skilled vagabond, it is as if they have taken momentary control of your essential motor functions and before you know it, you've handed them a goodly proportion more than the usual.
I did stop for an old lady who was clearly a bit addled though not obviously homeless last week and ended up not giving her any money, though I don't recommend it. Of course, once you've stopped, as noted above, it's impossible to move on again (I didn't realise she was asking me for money or i'd not have stopped) and yet I did manage to get out of it because my phone rang as i was fishing in my pockets for a cigarette to give her and as I answered it, stared her in the face with a very severe and mildly apologetic expression and left her in the street, empty-handed and most decidedly befuddled. I felt pretty shit too.
The reason I give cigarettes over money (not always, but it's my preference) is that I really don't want them spending money on stuff that will kill them and if this sounds hypocritical, then i'm pleased that i've written a successful sentence. I also would prefer not to smoke, so it's my preferred way of cutting down. I am taking back 5 minutes of my life every time I give a cigarette away; I'm also shortening that person's life by 5 minutes, which i'm not overly fussed about since they're not enjoying it anyway. Then there's the reason that I don't mind helping people out - quite the opposite, i wish i could dedicate more time and energy to it than this meagre practice - but i prefer to do it on my own terms. Yes, if you've got the temerity to try and hussle some money out of me, i guess you deserve a reward (though not the Hoser prick that sells the homeless paper on Bloor and Yonge, who I swear I will turn round and fucking deck if he tries his agressive and manipulative shit on me again). It's just that Im not going to give you what you ask for. I will dictate what it is I give you, as is my right since im the fucking donor. If you want a really nice gift, like some fruit or a sandwich or some money, my advice to you is to sit there looking very miserable, wretched even and not solicit money or even attention from passers-by. You will get preferential treatment from people like me, if there are any.
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