Sunday, December 31, 2006
these were last year's resolutions, let's see how i did...
1. resolve the Israeli - Loyalist conflict that's absolutely ruined Cyprus THIS WASNT FUNNY ENOUGH TO CARE ABOUT
2. boil things that normally require frying THIS CONTRIBUTED TO THE RUINATION OF MY FISH&CHIP EMPIRE
3. write down everything i don't say and say everything i don't write down IF I'VE HAD ANY SUCCESS AT STANDUP, IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF ADHERING TO THIS PRINCIPLE*
4. discover a new colour and forget to patent it I ACHIEVED THE LATTER CLAUSE WITHOUT THE TROUBLE OF HAVING TO DO THE FORMER
5. eat an arse, with chips and peas OH I WISH. BUT I HATE PEAS
6. update anti-virus software to protect against online bird-flu NOT *COUGH* FUNNY *COUGH* ENOUGH
7. whenever I see a dead bird i can't identify, consult my Observer Book of Dead Birds, my most useful xmas gift this year YEAH, WHATEVER
8. take a photo of a photo of a photo I GOT CONFUSED AND TOOK A PHOTO OF A PHOTO OF A PHOTO OF A PHOTO. FAILED
9. stop humiliating myself in private ACHIEVED BUT ONLY AT THE EXPENSE OF MY PUBLIC HONOUR
10. accept Jesus into my life, then reject him, just to see his face IT'LL BE ON YOUTUBE AS A MASTERCARD 'PRICELESS' ADVERT BEFORE YOU CAN SAY "NO IT WONT. STOP LYING"
11. dig my own grave, fill it with a bejewelled golden hair and publish the co-ordinates in a cryptic book of perplex mysteries I NARROWLY FAILED TO ACHIEVE THIS ONLY BECAUSE I DIDNT UNDERSTAND IT IN THE FIRST PLACE
12. hide my feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy under a thin veneer of showbiz success. GOT CONFUSED AND TURNED THEM INTO "SUCCESS"
13. spend more time blogging and less time noodling around on myspace.com AGAIN, THE LATTER WAS A PIECE OF PISS. WHO CARES ABOUT ONLINE FRIENDS UNLESS YOU SUDDENLY MOVE COUNTRY....UM...?
14. stockpile Vaseline in anticipation of worldwide Petroleum Crisis MOVED ONTO BITUMEN, STILL NOT FUNNY
15. stop coveting my neighbour's ox though i really can't help it. that's some fucking good ox there. THAT JUST WASNT FUNNY ENOUGH TO DO MUCH ABOUT
16. fight to clear Albert Schweitzer's good name I FOUGHT AND WON BUT HAD TO KILL A FEW NAYSAYERS ALONG THE WAY. TECHNICAL FAILURE. LITERALLY UNFUNNY
17. stop thinking of nipples when i hear the word 'Chestnuts' used in polite conversation. DONE. UNLESS IT'S ROAST CHESTNUTS. OR HORSE CHESTNUTS.
18. and stop thinking of discharge when i see 'Bird's Custard' in the supermarket DONE WITH REGRET AT HAVING TO DROP A LEVEL OF SOPHISTICATION IN MY HUMOUR
19. shall i even bother with Daddy's Sauce? NO. TECHNICALLY UNFUNY
20. spend more time campaigning against religious tolerance IF YOU'VE SEEN MY STANDUP, YOU'LL KNOW I HEAD THAT CAMPAIGN WORLDWIDE
21. stop listening to people I OVERACHIEVED ON THIS ONE, AGAIN. IM SO GOOD AT IT, IF THEY ASKED ME TO REPRESENT ENGLAND IN THE OLYMPICS AT THIS, I WOULDNT REPLY
*I'VE NOT HAD ANY SUCCESS AT IT
|
1. resolve the Israeli - Loyalist conflict that's absolutely ruined Cyprus THIS WASNT FUNNY ENOUGH TO CARE ABOUT
2. boil things that normally require frying THIS CONTRIBUTED TO THE RUINATION OF MY FISH&CHIP EMPIRE
3. write down everything i don't say and say everything i don't write down IF I'VE HAD ANY SUCCESS AT STANDUP, IT'S NOT BECAUSE OF ADHERING TO THIS PRINCIPLE*
4. discover a new colour and forget to patent it I ACHIEVED THE LATTER CLAUSE WITHOUT THE TROUBLE OF HAVING TO DO THE FORMER
5. eat an arse, with chips and peas OH I WISH. BUT I HATE PEAS
6. update anti-virus software to protect against online bird-flu NOT *COUGH* FUNNY *COUGH* ENOUGH
7. whenever I see a dead bird i can't identify, consult my Observer Book of Dead Birds, my most useful xmas gift this year YEAH, WHATEVER
8. take a photo of a photo of a photo I GOT CONFUSED AND TOOK A PHOTO OF A PHOTO OF A PHOTO OF A PHOTO. FAILED
9. stop humiliating myself in private ACHIEVED BUT ONLY AT THE EXPENSE OF MY PUBLIC HONOUR
10. accept Jesus into my life, then reject him, just to see his face IT'LL BE ON YOUTUBE AS A MASTERCARD 'PRICELESS' ADVERT BEFORE YOU CAN SAY "NO IT WONT. STOP LYING"
11. dig my own grave, fill it with a bejewelled golden hair and publish the co-ordinates in a cryptic book of perplex mysteries I NARROWLY FAILED TO ACHIEVE THIS ONLY BECAUSE I DIDNT UNDERSTAND IT IN THE FIRST PLACE
12. hide my feelings of guilt, shame and inadequacy under a thin veneer of showbiz success. GOT CONFUSED AND TURNED THEM INTO "SUCCESS"
13. spend more time blogging and less time noodling around on myspace.com AGAIN, THE LATTER WAS A PIECE OF PISS. WHO CARES ABOUT ONLINE FRIENDS UNLESS YOU SUDDENLY MOVE COUNTRY....UM...?
14. stockpile Vaseline in anticipation of worldwide Petroleum Crisis MOVED ONTO BITUMEN, STILL NOT FUNNY
15. stop coveting my neighbour's ox though i really can't help it. that's some fucking good ox there. THAT JUST WASNT FUNNY ENOUGH TO DO MUCH ABOUT
16. fight to clear Albert Schweitzer's good name I FOUGHT AND WON BUT HAD TO KILL A FEW NAYSAYERS ALONG THE WAY. TECHNICAL FAILURE. LITERALLY UNFUNNY
17. stop thinking of nipples when i hear the word 'Chestnuts' used in polite conversation. DONE. UNLESS IT'S ROAST CHESTNUTS. OR HORSE CHESTNUTS.
18. and stop thinking of discharge when i see 'Bird's Custard' in the supermarket DONE WITH REGRET AT HAVING TO DROP A LEVEL OF SOPHISTICATION IN MY HUMOUR
19. shall i even bother with Daddy's Sauce? NO. TECHNICALLY UNFUNY
20. spend more time campaigning against religious tolerance IF YOU'VE SEEN MY STANDUP, YOU'LL KNOW I HEAD THAT CAMPAIGN WORLDWIDE
21. stop listening to people I OVERACHIEVED ON THIS ONE, AGAIN. IM SO GOOD AT IT, IF THEY ASKED ME TO REPRESENT ENGLAND IN THE OLYMPICS AT THIS, I WOULDNT REPLY
*I'VE NOT HAD ANY SUCCESS AT IT
|
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