Sunday, December 17, 2006
Spum is RIGHT! (see comment box in post below)
There are animals being extinctified every day now - and it's unfair to focus just on the fluffy ones like dolphins. You could still buy its fluff on the black market in Hong Kong until a couple of years ago
Other species under threat around the world:
1. The Yucatan Pinata - if ever there was proof of the existence of a god with a malicious sense of humour, it's to be derived from this poor beast's fate. A friendly, peaceful and entirely defenceless animal that hibernates in the spring and autumn, it loves to make friends with children and would no doubt make an excellent pet if not for one cruel irony of biology - its guts are composed entirely of free sugary sweets. Despite dwindling numbers every year thanks to its increasing popularity in US culture, it is nevertheless hunted down, forcibly strung up and the-fuck-out-of-it beaten by children and adults alike. Been around for at least 400 million years, scheduled to die out for good very soon.
2. The Mousefish - due to extreme hunting by the Catfish (itself endangered by the Dogfish, its natural predator) it migrated en masse to peoples' houses where it promptly died due to lack of water and seacheese
3. The Arctic Penguin - these flightless fancies have long been overshadowed by their southern hemisphere cousins (a common myth, of course - they're only related by marriage) because they refuse to resemble Patrick Moore, astronomer to the stars. They are caviar and chips for Polar Bears.
4. The Headless Horse - since the extincition in the early 20th century of the Headless Horsemen, these hardy nequine studs and fillies have been struggling to find a purpose in life - and somewhere to put food. Only bought by fathers for their pony-obsessed, hated daughters, they inevitably get neglected and are soon gratefully stolen and tortured by gypsies. Always come a close second in steeplechases.
5. The Wormbird - although it looks just like the common or garden earthworm, the Wormbird is actually a completely different species is in fact a close relative of The Sausage. With no functional wings to speak of, it flies through the air only at very short distances and is its own worst enemy, having to get up earlier than all the other birds to avoid being eaten and yet turning round and feeding its children on eachother. Not expected to last the week.
6. The Woodsnake - is there an unluckier creature on god's good planet than the snake made of mostly wood? I doubt it very much. Forget the Sargasso Sloth and the Legless Luxembourgish Wildcat, the Namibo-Westphalian Woodsnake is the most immobile of animals - usually to be found very near old trees throughout the world, it has been killed in its billions by hikers, gardeners and enthusiastic dog-owners. A high-profile ad campaign last year to highlight its plight every Bonfire Night did nothing to reverse its shitty fortunes. Lethal venom, useless fangs.
7. The Turducken - native across the southern United States, this curious combi-fowl was the official multi-bird of the Confederate Army and was thought to be able to whistle a passable rendition of Dixie (while attacking blacks). In recent years, with the late 20th century introduction of tolerance, respect in the region for the poly-Polly had dwindled to the point where they were eaten daily, deep-fried and served with sauce a l'orange au cranberry a la stuffing. Now a resurgence in being an ignorant, bullish, biblical dick has brought it back from the brink. Difficult enough for biologists to explain how a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey could have ever evolved without Intelligent Design, it's the layers of pigmeat and spices in between that really fox these Darwinazis. Safe, til common sense prevails.
8. Schmankton - Hitler may not have succeeded on land, but his jackfinned allies the Nazi Whales have done a whole lotta holocaust on the oceans' considerable Jewish Plankton communities. When you hear people talk about the lost tribe that's where they went. The sea is an unforgiving place in many ways but being a filthy, plotting yid was just fine down there. Til a chance encounter between a U-Boat Captain and a working-class, disaffected Humpback in 1941 led to a special commission made at the aptly named Wansee conference. Make a fucking film about that Steven Spiegelberg.
9. The Pygmy - deep in the Congolian rainforests these small umbongo-drinking hunter-monkeys exhibit some curious, almost-human like characteristi....oh hang on, that's horribly racist - and intentionally so, inspired by the real life episode of Ota Benga, who was one of the residents of the Bronx Zoo, living with that well-known central african ape the Orangutan!
10. The Dinosaurs - yes, that's what i said, the fucking dinosaurs. Has any species been as hard-done by? They get almost wiped out by an asteroid, forcibly shrunk into lizards, crocs and birds and then the last few of these majestic beasts are wrangled into a thousand hollywood movies and shot, stabbed, drowned and blown-up for joe public's bloodthirsty entertainment. Is it any wonder they went underground?
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There are animals being extinctified every day now - and it's unfair to focus just on the fluffy ones like dolphins. You could still buy its fluff on the black market in Hong Kong until a couple of years ago
Other species under threat around the world:
1. The Yucatan Pinata - if ever there was proof of the existence of a god with a malicious sense of humour, it's to be derived from this poor beast's fate. A friendly, peaceful and entirely defenceless animal that hibernates in the spring and autumn, it loves to make friends with children and would no doubt make an excellent pet if not for one cruel irony of biology - its guts are composed entirely of free sugary sweets. Despite dwindling numbers every year thanks to its increasing popularity in US culture, it is nevertheless hunted down, forcibly strung up and the-fuck-out-of-it beaten by children and adults alike. Been around for at least 400 million years, scheduled to die out for good very soon.
2. The Mousefish - due to extreme hunting by the Catfish (itself endangered by the Dogfish, its natural predator) it migrated en masse to peoples' houses where it promptly died due to lack of water and seacheese
3. The Arctic Penguin - these flightless fancies have long been overshadowed by their southern hemisphere cousins (a common myth, of course - they're only related by marriage) because they refuse to resemble Patrick Moore, astronomer to the stars. They are caviar and chips for Polar Bears.
4. The Headless Horse - since the extincition in the early 20th century of the Headless Horsemen, these hardy nequine studs and fillies have been struggling to find a purpose in life - and somewhere to put food. Only bought by fathers for their pony-obsessed, hated daughters, they inevitably get neglected and are soon gratefully stolen and tortured by gypsies. Always come a close second in steeplechases.
5. The Wormbird - although it looks just like the common or garden earthworm, the Wormbird is actually a completely different species is in fact a close relative of The Sausage. With no functional wings to speak of, it flies through the air only at very short distances and is its own worst enemy, having to get up earlier than all the other birds to avoid being eaten and yet turning round and feeding its children on eachother. Not expected to last the week.
6. The Woodsnake - is there an unluckier creature on god's good planet than the snake made of mostly wood? I doubt it very much. Forget the Sargasso Sloth and the Legless Luxembourgish Wildcat, the Namibo-Westphalian Woodsnake is the most immobile of animals - usually to be found very near old trees throughout the world, it has been killed in its billions by hikers, gardeners and enthusiastic dog-owners. A high-profile ad campaign last year to highlight its plight every Bonfire Night did nothing to reverse its shitty fortunes. Lethal venom, useless fangs.
7. The Turducken - native across the southern United States, this curious combi-fowl was the official multi-bird of the Confederate Army and was thought to be able to whistle a passable rendition of Dixie (while attacking blacks). In recent years, with the late 20th century introduction of tolerance, respect in the region for the poly-Polly had dwindled to the point where they were eaten daily, deep-fried and served with sauce a l'orange au cranberry a la stuffing. Now a resurgence in being an ignorant, bullish, biblical dick has brought it back from the brink. Difficult enough for biologists to explain how a chicken inside a duck inside a turkey could have ever evolved without Intelligent Design, it's the layers of pigmeat and spices in between that really fox these Darwinazis. Safe, til common sense prevails.
8. Schmankton - Hitler may not have succeeded on land, but his jackfinned allies the Nazi Whales have done a whole lotta holocaust on the oceans' considerable Jewish Plankton communities. When you hear people talk about the lost tribe that's where they went. The sea is an unforgiving place in many ways but being a filthy, plotting yid was just fine down there. Til a chance encounter between a U-Boat Captain and a working-class, disaffected Humpback in 1941 led to a special commission made at the aptly named Wansee conference. Make a fucking film about that Steven Spiegelberg.
9. The Pygmy - deep in the Congolian rainforests these small umbongo-drinking hunter-monkeys exhibit some curious, almost-human like characteristi....oh hang on, that's horribly racist - and intentionally so, inspired by the real life episode of Ota Benga, who was one of the residents of the Bronx Zoo, living with that well-known central african ape the Orangutan!
10. The Dinosaurs - yes, that's what i said, the fucking dinosaurs. Has any species been as hard-done by? They get almost wiped out by an asteroid, forcibly shrunk into lizards, crocs and birds and then the last few of these majestic beasts are wrangled into a thousand hollywood movies and shot, stabbed, drowned and blown-up for joe public's bloodthirsty entertainment. Is it any wonder they went underground?
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