cNutgroist

Last Christmas I gave you my heart
And the very next day, you put it on Ebay

What a week it's been. too much has happened and i cant spew it all up though god knows i sure havent digested it all yet. I've been danced, yoga'd, hugged, stuffed, stoned, blessed, blushed, tripped, chapped, rapped, rocked, jazzed and latined, Hustled, Dylaned, but best of all Best-Manned. And im going to be Irrigated by the end of the week. My anal flora can't wait.


So instead, here's what happens every day when i go to the gym.

My gym is run by a dick. I'd love to be charitable and say he's just trained that way, deep inside he probably has a respectable interior life, interesting quirks and is a good friend to many. But i sincerely doubt it. He's a young guy who speaks from the corporate motivational manual where his brain used to be. When I walked in there a few weeks ago to join, I approached him and explained how i'd like to join. His response?

AWESOME!

Right, great, thanks. Can you just give me the form to fill out please?

AWESOME!

What do i want to do? Lose weight and get fit. Not too interested in building up muscle or anything

AWESOME!

(thinks) If you say it again, im going to walk out of here

(thinks) AWESOME!

so anyway, i come in daily to work out, run myself into the ground and stare away from fat women in lycra. that's all i want to do. i dont want a conversation with anyone, unless they are wearing lycra and have impressively pointy womens' bits. But if he should see me, he always comes up to me and asks 'How's it going?'

I calmly, naturally answer 'fine, thanks'

and he just as naturally answers

AWESOME!

every. friggin. time.

last week, i decided i'd had enough. i walked into the reception area and he was standing there behind the desk. I knew it was coming and i prepared myself for it. and so...

'hey, how's it going?'

I'm awesome

... *splutter*...um...great?

I don't think he'll be asking me again.

Now I just have one more to throw off my trail. Normally, thanks to my all-conquering OCD I have a room, everyone and everything in it scoped out quicker than you can say Ritalin-and-coke so nothing surprises me - I don't give awkward looks at strange people and i can make myself invisible quickly. But increasingly I am starting to beat this survival-instinct remnant and so, when a man with a slight, feminine body and a face made entirely of (what looks like) pink plastic (but must be skin, i suppose) began lifting weights in front of me i could not take my eyes off him. Utterly grotesque, i just sat and stared. He stared back, i thought with disappointed resignation at what must be a familiar sight. I was embarrassed and looked away.

I was wrong, though. Quite wrong. He's been following me around ever since with a look of interest. The most disconcerting thing isn't his fake face or big starey eyes, no. It's the suspiciously empty-looking space where his groin should be. What IS he? I thought for a minute he might not be located in my changing room but sadly he is. I now dont take a shower but instead rush in, jump back into my clothes and run sweatily out of there asap.


This year, to save me from having to buy it back again
I'll give it to someone less special

One bidder, twice the price
I keep commission, it comes back packed in ice
Tell me baby do you recognise me?
I dont have a plastic face, so you should
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