Friday, November 03, 2006
Moved into a new flat yesterday. Bought half of Ikea and a new computer but still there's more to get. Here's my shopping list for the weekend:
A Pike - who doesn't need a 35kg, 6ft freshwater fish with a hot taste for violence? Especially in a downtown 2-bed apartment in wintry Toronto, it's an absolute necessity
A VD Player - when you're having a dinner party and the latest CD of Music (you know the one) just doesn't cut it with your oh-so-urbane guests, then trust me, only the soft sweet sounds of Contemporary Sexual Disease will do. Make sure its got up to date Anti-virus protection. Possibly the only invention ever to have come into being thanks to a fat-fingered keyboard typo*
Bottle of Fizzy Piss - for guests you didn't invite into your home. Best taken neat and in the fucking face at 100mph. Or with soda and a maraschino cherry.
A Nazi War Machine - excellent security measure, if kept strictly out of Russia
A a - self explanatory
An Acoustic Razor - for the Unplugged look the sensitive bitches will dig. It's done me no harm... or good.
Home Tattoo Kit - great at parties, family reunions and always keeps the little ones occupied whenever Mummy and Daddy want to argue. Go the extra distance and buy a spare needle if you really give a shit about your guests.
A world-class Jazz Saxophonist down on his luck and a Smoke Machine - have them on permanent standby for when you bringa da ladeez home for a night and a day of romantic romance, lovely love and sexy, sexy sex. A few bars of Body and Soul, a whisper of I Loves You, Porgy and then a double-speed, split reed rendition of the complete works of Albert Ayler and the chickies will be pitta in your hand
Money - get a large amount of money and keep it in your place. Handy for all sorts of great things and accepted everywhere.
Air and Water - if utilities aren't included in the rent, you will have to sign up for these to gain the full benefits of living. Highly recommended to sort out before moving in as although you can bring water in bottles with you, it's not advised to hold your breath in a vacuum while reconstructing furniture. Besides, your eyes will boil.
Novelty Drugs - Flanagans, Special Poo & Methyldrugsichlorodrugsisothiazolidrugsinone are my favourites. Low in salt, no trans-fats, zero carbs, some fibre (at least in the Special Poo) and Kosher (except for some Special Poo. Ask your supplier)
Love - (joke)
*except for the Qwertyuiop[] - but I don't need one now I've got an automatic
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A Pike - who doesn't need a 35kg, 6ft freshwater fish with a hot taste for violence? Especially in a downtown 2-bed apartment in wintry Toronto, it's an absolute necessity
A VD Player - when you're having a dinner party and the latest CD of Music (you know the one) just doesn't cut it with your oh-so-urbane guests, then trust me, only the soft sweet sounds of Contemporary Sexual Disease will do. Make sure its got up to date Anti-virus protection. Possibly the only invention ever to have come into being thanks to a fat-fingered keyboard typo*
Bottle of Fizzy Piss - for guests you didn't invite into your home. Best taken neat and in the fucking face at 100mph. Or with soda and a maraschino cherry.
A Nazi War Machine - excellent security measure, if kept strictly out of Russia
A a - self explanatory
An Acoustic Razor - for the Unplugged look the sensitive bitches will dig. It's done me no harm... or good.
Home Tattoo Kit - great at parties, family reunions and always keeps the little ones occupied whenever Mummy and Daddy want to argue. Go the extra distance and buy a spare needle if you really give a shit about your guests.
A world-class Jazz Saxophonist down on his luck and a Smoke Machine - have them on permanent standby for when you bringa da ladeez home for a night and a day of romantic romance, lovely love and sexy, sexy sex. A few bars of Body and Soul, a whisper of I Loves You, Porgy and then a double-speed, split reed rendition of the complete works of Albert Ayler and the chickies will be pitta in your hand
Money - get a large amount of money and keep it in your place. Handy for all sorts of great things and accepted everywhere.
Air and Water - if utilities aren't included in the rent, you will have to sign up for these to gain the full benefits of living. Highly recommended to sort out before moving in as although you can bring water in bottles with you, it's not advised to hold your breath in a vacuum while reconstructing furniture. Besides, your eyes will boil.
Novelty Drugs - Flanagans, Special Poo & Methyldrugsichlorodrugsisothiazolidrugsinone are my favourites. Low in salt, no trans-fats, zero carbs, some fibre (at least in the Special Poo) and Kosher (except for some Special Poo. Ask your supplier)
Love - (joke)
*except for the Qwertyuiop[] - but I don't need one now I've got an automatic
|
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