Tuesday, February 08, 2005
ok, i'm out on bail for a brief amount of time, so here's what i propose: a handful of more quite reasonable suggestions for the future of your planet. i would appreciate any experts in the relevant fields shooting me down in flames in response. not literally, obviously. that's what got me into this trouble in the first place. but in the comments box please.
Free-range, Organic, Fair-trade Marijuana: Yes, when the revolution comes, when our collective consciousness unifies and when politicians wake up, maaaan - i'll be ready. So when they legalise weed, obviously a lot of the dealers are going to go back to being accountants and the big tobacco companies will move in and take advantage of their incredible distribution facilities. But as usual, nobody will think of the sizeable niche of nice middle-class families that want to have an ethical smoke. This means if they can see a picture of a poor but dignified, grateful ethnic family on the side of their packet, thumbs up and smiling in a field of weed (a bit like that Peter Tosh album cover) and realise that every time they skin up, another 3rd world kid gets a chance at school, they're happy and you've got their money. Another wank-stroke to confirm they've made the right lifestyle decisions. And to think, no pesticides, no GM, no chance of a nasty cancerous side-effect (ok, not true at all but they want to believe it so let them). And, and, oh, oh, i'm gonna blow....eeeuuuurrrggggghhhh. Pass the Green+Blacks recycled papyrus cum-blotter please, Cassandra.
For the rest of the population, sure they won't give a fuck. they'll continue to buy the cheapest, shittiest product on the market or, more likely, down the market.
Seriously though, somebody should do a study on how much of a chav pacifier it is. And make the consumption of glue and alcopops punishable by death - on taste considerations alone. But put THC in their Poptarts and Sunny Delight, a diet they begin whilst still in the zygotic stage and they won't be bothering us for anything more harmful than some spare skins, innit geez.
Male Marijuana Plants: Why the fuck can't you buy these in your local garden centre? They look great, everybody will think you're cool and since they produce not one milligram of the psychoactive ingredient in dope, they're not against the law. Especially handy if you're growing 80 female plants upstairs and you have to call the police because you've been followed home by a local nutter. Not that this has ever happened. Especially not in a dodgy area of North London 10 years ago. Oh no. So just pull it out and show him the receipt. in fact, buy 80 of them, sell 'em on or chuck 'em, and just keep the receipts. 'yes officer, i know they do smell a bit. i don't know, maybe they're hermaphrodites? i think i'll take them back to the shop. i wouldnt want to be sitting on anything illegal. no i don't want to press charges. im sure he meant no harm trying to climb through my flatmates window shouting 'I'M A FRIEND! I'M A FRIEND'
The Hot Air Shower: Why do we need towels at all? Can't there be a big shower unit which blows out hot air and gets us dry and warm that way? Of course there can. It's just a lack of political will on our part to demand such an easy convenience. That and a surprisingly powerful towel lobby.
Helium Shoes: What's stopping you from pumping a small canister of helium into a special airtight chamber in your shoes or trainers? Fear of heights? The Simple Gases lobby? Nike's lawyers? I don't know, but it's the best way i know to get an extra spring in your step.
Cult TV: Literally. Do a full Reality TV show in the loopiest ashram, commune or spiritual retreat you can find. Make sure there's plenty of hard ritual group fucking and first-class new-age gobbledegobbley and you have yourself a guaranteed hit. What cult DOESNT have a charismatic leader who wants more attention? What cult DOESNT have many tasty ladies and their jealous male partners, all in a fragile state of mind and willing to submit to anything? To add spice, bring in an auditor to go through the books at the end of the series.
Immigrant Island: Another tv show, but only as an extra revenue stream. The main point of this (and i recall i might have blogged this obnoxious idea once before) is to satisfy everyone caught up in the 'I'm not racist but...' stream that runs almost silently through the asylum debate they have in the UK. I propose that anyone who wants to come and live in Britain be allowed in with open arms. Open arms that immediately clasp shut around them and forcibly stick them on a transport to some imperial hell(o)hole like the Falkland Islands, Ascension or the Isle of Wight. Any godforsaken old chip of Empire will do. We stick them into centres where they must learn english or teach it to those who havent, and they must all learn about the new way of life in Britain. This means being made to read the Sun, watch Eastenders, listen to Blazin' Squad and generally get briefed on the current state of societal relations in the country. If they can last there for a year and still want to live in mainland UK, they are more than fucking welcome. They're eminently suitable people who will most likely rise to the top of their chosen professions and make extremely valuable contributions to civic life. In fact, with the rapid demise of social cohesion in much of Britain, they may be our only hope. The ones that decide it's not for them after all, can fuck off. Guardian readers and Daily Mail believers ('readers' is a little unfair, no?) should both be happy. Televise it and the Brits may have to do a little bit of soul-searching of their own. Australia and Canada, get ready.
National Service for Chavs: We're all together on this one aren't we? I needn't have to make a strong case, right? We quickly pass an overnight law that states that anyone caught wearing Burberry under the age of 40 has, by default, signed up to 2 years in the Army and must report for duty in Belize at 9AM the next day or face a rigged military tribunal.
National Service for Immigrants: Hmmmmm.
National Service for Everyone: Maybe.
Immigrant Island for Chavs: Poor Islanders
Immigrant Island for Everyone: Yes. Every British resident has to spend an enforced year away from home thinking about the value or otherwise of remaining in the Isles. You'll come back happier and finally have something to talk about with your neighbours.
The Encyclopaedia of Falsity: Where in the world can you go to discover that the sub-Saharan African worm that lives in your cockhole knows nothing of late-sixties Free Jazz? Nowhere that i can think of. We need a central repositry of all things wrongly asserted, falsly attributed and generally lied about. I call this new invention 'The Internet'
I have a feeling some of these have either been tried or at least suggested in jest elsewhere. i don't care. i've run out of things to blog and still people come to read so i've got no choice. funny service will be resumed never.
incidentally, wouldn't this make a fine book? 100 perfectly lovely, amateur solutions for a better life with stark, brutal, professional refutations of each idea on the opposite page.
|
Free-range, Organic, Fair-trade Marijuana: Yes, when the revolution comes, when our collective consciousness unifies and when politicians wake up, maaaan - i'll be ready. So when they legalise weed, obviously a lot of the dealers are going to go back to being accountants and the big tobacco companies will move in and take advantage of their incredible distribution facilities. But as usual, nobody will think of the sizeable niche of nice middle-class families that want to have an ethical smoke. This means if they can see a picture of a poor but dignified, grateful ethnic family on the side of their packet, thumbs up and smiling in a field of weed (a bit like that Peter Tosh album cover) and realise that every time they skin up, another 3rd world kid gets a chance at school, they're happy and you've got their money. Another wank-stroke to confirm they've made the right lifestyle decisions. And to think, no pesticides, no GM, no chance of a nasty cancerous side-effect (ok, not true at all but they want to believe it so let them). And, and, oh, oh, i'm gonna blow....eeeuuuurrrggggghhhh. Pass the Green+Blacks recycled papyrus cum-blotter please, Cassandra.
For the rest of the population, sure they won't give a fuck. they'll continue to buy the cheapest, shittiest product on the market or, more likely, down the market.
Seriously though, somebody should do a study on how much of a chav pacifier it is. And make the consumption of glue and alcopops punishable by death - on taste considerations alone. But put THC in their Poptarts and Sunny Delight, a diet they begin whilst still in the zygotic stage and they won't be bothering us for anything more harmful than some spare skins, innit geez.
Male Marijuana Plants: Why the fuck can't you buy these in your local garden centre? They look great, everybody will think you're cool and since they produce not one milligram of the psychoactive ingredient in dope, they're not against the law. Especially handy if you're growing 80 female plants upstairs and you have to call the police because you've been followed home by a local nutter. Not that this has ever happened. Especially not in a dodgy area of North London 10 years ago. Oh no. So just pull it out and show him the receipt. in fact, buy 80 of them, sell 'em on or chuck 'em, and just keep the receipts. 'yes officer, i know they do smell a bit. i don't know, maybe they're hermaphrodites? i think i'll take them back to the shop. i wouldnt want to be sitting on anything illegal. no i don't want to press charges. im sure he meant no harm trying to climb through my flatmates window shouting 'I'M A FRIEND! I'M A FRIEND'
The Hot Air Shower: Why do we need towels at all? Can't there be a big shower unit which blows out hot air and gets us dry and warm that way? Of course there can. It's just a lack of political will on our part to demand such an easy convenience. That and a surprisingly powerful towel lobby.
Helium Shoes: What's stopping you from pumping a small canister of helium into a special airtight chamber in your shoes or trainers? Fear of heights? The Simple Gases lobby? Nike's lawyers? I don't know, but it's the best way i know to get an extra spring in your step.
Cult TV: Literally. Do a full Reality TV show in the loopiest ashram, commune or spiritual retreat you can find. Make sure there's plenty of hard ritual group fucking and first-class new-age gobbledegobbley and you have yourself a guaranteed hit. What cult DOESNT have a charismatic leader who wants more attention? What cult DOESNT have many tasty ladies and their jealous male partners, all in a fragile state of mind and willing to submit to anything? To add spice, bring in an auditor to go through the books at the end of the series.
Immigrant Island: Another tv show, but only as an extra revenue stream. The main point of this (and i recall i might have blogged this obnoxious idea once before) is to satisfy everyone caught up in the 'I'm not racist but...' stream that runs almost silently through the asylum debate they have in the UK. I propose that anyone who wants to come and live in Britain be allowed in with open arms. Open arms that immediately clasp shut around them and forcibly stick them on a transport to some imperial hell(o)hole like the Falkland Islands, Ascension or the Isle of Wight. Any godforsaken old chip of Empire will do. We stick them into centres where they must learn english or teach it to those who havent, and they must all learn about the new way of life in Britain. This means being made to read the Sun, watch Eastenders, listen to Blazin' Squad and generally get briefed on the current state of societal relations in the country. If they can last there for a year and still want to live in mainland UK, they are more than fucking welcome. They're eminently suitable people who will most likely rise to the top of their chosen professions and make extremely valuable contributions to civic life. In fact, with the rapid demise of social cohesion in much of Britain, they may be our only hope. The ones that decide it's not for them after all, can fuck off. Guardian readers and Daily Mail believers ('readers' is a little unfair, no?) should both be happy. Televise it and the Brits may have to do a little bit of soul-searching of their own. Australia and Canada, get ready.
National Service for Chavs: We're all together on this one aren't we? I needn't have to make a strong case, right? We quickly pass an overnight law that states that anyone caught wearing Burberry under the age of 40 has, by default, signed up to 2 years in the Army and must report for duty in Belize at 9AM the next day or face a rigged military tribunal.
National Service for Immigrants: Hmmmmm.
National Service for Everyone: Maybe.
Immigrant Island for Chavs: Poor Islanders
Immigrant Island for Everyone: Yes. Every British resident has to spend an enforced year away from home thinking about the value or otherwise of remaining in the Isles. You'll come back happier and finally have something to talk about with your neighbours.
The Encyclopaedia of Falsity: Where in the world can you go to discover that the sub-Saharan African worm that lives in your cockhole knows nothing of late-sixties Free Jazz? Nowhere that i can think of. We need a central repositry of all things wrongly asserted, falsly attributed and generally lied about. I call this new invention 'The Internet'
I have a feeling some of these have either been tried or at least suggested in jest elsewhere. i don't care. i've run out of things to blog and still people come to read so i've got no choice. funny service will be resumed never.
incidentally, wouldn't this make a fine book? 100 perfectly lovely, amateur solutions for a better life with stark, brutal, professional refutations of each idea on the opposite page.
|
Comments:
Post a Comment
