cNutgroist

I'm on the streetcar two nights ago and I don't have anything to read, nobody wants a staring competition and im bored of looking at snow, so I look instead at the adverts above me. It's all the usual crap but there's a new one i've not seen before advertising a service clumsily called 'Askipedia', whereby you text them a question, any question and they will send you an answer. Just 2 dollars. About a pound. One and a bit euros. A billion yen. It's doubtless designed for pub arguments like 'who scored the most goals in a particular hockey game' or indeed 'where's the nearest pub?'. But i'm thinking:

Any question?

Ok.

"Where was God during the Holocaust?"

No sooner have I sent off the text and felt the 12 billion dead jewish eyes' ashen stares (not sure if I intended that pun) than I receive a prompt reply. Wow. They're good. Of course it's just a preliminary reply explaining that the answer will be along shortly and a restatement of the terms and conditions that apply. Im already realising that i've just chucked away some money for nothing, all for being a bit 'clever'. They're not going to want to or be capable of answering such a question, since it's a matter of opinion not fact. Besides, it's almost certainly going straight to a trained monkey with Google, on minimum wage but probably no healthcare. See how they get you?

15 minutes later.

*beep beep*

I flip open the phone with no great anticipation of an actual answer. But I get this...


If God interefered with things like the Holocaust, He would be effectively stripping us of our free will, that or He just doesn't exist.


Well, it is an answer and it's only worth 2 dollars, so I'm not complaining. In fact, Im chuffed that someone's taken the time to reply with something more than I expected. I want to reply that there's nothing inherently wrong in depriving us of our free will, which may after all be an illusion and that plenty of offshoots from the main three monotheistic religions have strongly determinist views of human destiny, which might imply human nature too. But to text back would call into question my sanity and financial responsibility (both of which have rarely been off the debating sheet), so I don't.

It does however give me a line of enquiry I find 'worth' pursuing. So for your pleasure and my reckless curiosity, I am now texting them one of the questions I posed below....

"Who would win in a fight between a duck-headed dog and a dog-headed duck?

...and why?" (I want my money's worth)


THIRTY SECONDS LATER


The dog-headed duck would be sure to win, although the duck-headed dog has size and claws the jaws of the dog's head would be victorious


It's probably just me but I find this a hilariously satisfying answer.
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Me vs The Flu Virus?

I'll tell you now:

3-1 to the away team at the moment, on the 8th day of the annual test. I blame a confident early start where the Me team thought it had gotten the opposition beaten after only 24 hours, celebrating with a victory drink and cigarette or 9, only for it to strike back hard, taking advantage of guard being let down against an unknown foreigner and the relative inexperience of the Me team's capacity to deal with such a wily opponent without its usual soup-making, pillow-fluffing, lemon-squeezing backup.

*sniff*
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Piranhas vs Electric Eels?
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Tag-team wrestling: A pig and a snake on one side vs a goat and a scorpion on the other?
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a salty leech and an anaemic slug?

...on the tip of your nob?
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a hedgehog vs a puffer fish?

...tussling at 10,000 feet?
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A duck-headed dog and a dog-headed duck?

to scale?

and if the dog-head is a pitbull?
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What about a male adult baboon and a determined paedophile?

what if the paedo is armed with a bag of bananas?

what if the bananas are drugged?
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Most people agree that in a fight between a Lion and a Tiger, the Tiger would win. I'm not going to disagree - in fact i'd back the stripey orange fella if it were on pay-per-view (give FOX another couple of years) - but it got me thinking about other improbably enticing battles.

Im not asking such absurdities as "Who would win in a fight between a British Lion and a Tamil Tiger?", no, im wondering about more realistic confrontations.

First up, who would win a fight between a shark and an eagle of similar sizes on the surface of the ocean? is your answer still the same if it's on land?
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How DOES Phil Collins do it?
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Overheard on the Streetcar, rushour, today:

"If everyone can just move up along there, please lose your boundaries, get a little up close and friendly with your neighbours, we can squeeze a few more in if we just push together... sorry, you can't stand on the bottom step, if you bring your own step with you that's fine but you can't stand on this one - but don't worry, im running so late there are two other streetcars right behind me... keep squeezing together folks, you never know, you might make a friend or meet your soulmate...if anyone wants to stop at the next one and can't reach the cord to pull, just holler 'hey, driver, stop the streetcar, i wanna get off you big jerk' and i'll understand... next stop Spadiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiina Staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaation, y'all wanted to hear that, right?...id like to thank y'all for being so patient during this difficult journey and for listening to me....i'd also like to take this opportunity to thank you for riding the TTC and keeping me in employment, we hope you had a pleasant trip and hope to see you again soon"

Overheard in an organic butchers on Queen St, today:

"Some Mayonnaise please"

-Shouldn't you be avoiding that with the pregnancy?

"no, it's ok. I had a miscarriage and lost it"

-Oh ok, how much then?

"*this* much. Yeah, I miscarried at the start of January"

-Oh I am SO sorry. Is this enough?

"yeah, that's great. Thanks"


It's been that kind of day
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Never pinch a punk
Never scare a skunk
Never milk a monk
And NEVER blog when drunk

Never tell when kissed
Never brag at whist
Never take a fist
And NEVER blog when pissed

Never fish for paste
Never industrialise waste
Never make such haste
And NEVER blog shitfaced

Never wake up late
Never slap a mate
Never tempt a Fate
And NEVER try and salvage the misguided post you wrote drunkenly the night before thinking 'I can still make this great'
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The silliest job title in the world?

The silliest name in the world?

The silliest film dialogue in the world?

The other silliest film dialogue in the world?

The silliest film in the world, no question. Online!

The silliest anti-abortion site in the world? (may just possibly be a parody)

The silliest Martial Artist/Actor/Blues Guitarist interview ever?

The silliest sex-toy in the world?

and finally, a famous and very silly american psychic getting blatantly and gloriously caught out live on air - transcription and mp3s.
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Thanks to Friar Couscous for actually writing a Bowie influenced song, rather than have it overtaken by sexual-frustration and veganism in the third verse. Something tells me he's getting a lot more meat and two veg than I am at the moment.

But I have at least discovered a new method of cooking and with that in mind, I'd like to explore some other kitchen innovations I think could be a positive boon to the jaded gourmet, lazy chef and pilled-up housewife alike.

1. Fucked with a hot rod. Split roasted. Edward the Seconded. Pulped friction. Hole roasted. Elementary cooking. Fuckaseed. If the rod is hot enough, any creature with an expansive enough orifice may be cooked from the inside out, female and male, dead and alive. The myth that a microwave cooks that way is about to be exposed yet again.

2. Crispy pigs. Pigs can get sunburn if they dont wallow enough in the summer (and if they're lucky enough to ever see daylight, outdoors or eachother) so it's simple - stop them wallowing and they'll crackle up. Simply remove the top layer of the pig when it's done and voila, you have a big sheet of fresh pork crackling and another, tenderer one on the way. Best of all, it's not cruel to pigs! Which is a lie! But what do you fucking care?

3. Lizard tails. Another renewable resource, almost definitely can replace frogs' legs as a less cruel alternative - and such variety: Hungry? I recommend Sir go for the well-seasoned , fresh-off-the-grill Iguana tail. Chameleon? Of course, sir - what colour would you like? Just fancy a snack? These gecko vestigials make great nibbles. Got a dinner party planned? We can get you prime Komodo at a competitive price.

4. Finding this, im reminded of about 7 years ago my brother and I once got quite far into the planning stages of what was to be a unique sushi experience. A restuarant in Japan that made the top sushi possible and served entirely on and *in* beautiful naked women. Don't tell me every businessman in the world isn't going to stop by that particular establishment on their way through Tokyo. (Say Ken, shall we play Pachinko, go to a Karaoke Bar or eat Bluefin Tuna Sashimi out of a cute 19yr old's shaven pussy? Gee, I don't know Bob. What do the wives want to do?) And don't tell me you could never do it. This is the country that produced Tampopo and used-panty vending machines - NOT an urban myth. Diners must use chopsticks at all times and cannot touch the 'dishes', just like in a lapdance club. The girls themselves will giggle coquettishly and the enormous tips they earn will go some way toward the intensive counselling they'll need when they attempt to rejoin society. I think we stopped this idea not because it's ludicruously absurd and shameful, no, but because I think we heard that someone was already doing it.

5. Following on from the George Foreman Grill, a Muhammad Ali Whisk. It's very clever because it's self-powered. You just hold it in the bowl and *bzzzzz* off it goes.
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Light a candle or sixty
And meet in the moonlight
Bring your papers and passport
The luxury zeppelin leaves at the stroke of tonight

We're not going nowhere
My truth has unfurled
I'm an International Man
Who's grown tired of this world

We may circle the Kremlin
But I hope you'll forgive
That our dinner is served
In the clouds, where I live

We'll be dining on Dodo
in a Milanese Sauce
with Regrette dans nos Yeux
that's the first first First Course

I hope you like pigeon
that's been cooked in a goose
that's been cooked in a pig
that was hung by a noose

not of rope but of bangers
from the piggy's best friend
mashed gamin and gammon
in ancient spice blend

But don't fill up yet
there's the last first First course
It's your favourite snack, yes?
A whole Pickled Horse

then i'll order the hors d'oeuvres
from the whores who do serve
we'll have rhyme schemes-a-go-go
And Oeufs Ogopogo

for mains there'll be Falcon
fucked medium-rare
by a hot-cocked Baboon
and a drugged-up Jugged Hare

and there's Demi-God Stew
Made with bits of Achilles
You can have the whole heel
If I get both his willies

There's Kangaroo Kunt
Which is not what you think
No, it's really the anus
of a milk-fed young Mink

There'll be Manna from Heaven
I had specially caught
And Ambrosia Cream,
The real stuff, not shop bought

Then we'll take a break for cigars

We'll have lamb mints post-dinner
to freshen the breath
And Bob Marley's toe
Which caused his sad death

And after the coffee there'll be one last surprise
My heart on a platter and one of my eyes
To eat my soul is the choice you must make
You can only have one for cholesterol's sake
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Like much else in my life, i have an on-again off-again relationship with this blog and feel there is a pressure to write something, anything just to fill the gap and be a regular writer of words and even entertain those readers who don't come here for Cuntbusting, Pigcocks, The World's Fattest Cock (the three most popular search terms that lead people here) - today's list included someone from the States googling "Fresh Hot Buggers" and someone from Peru after "Shitty Fingers". Recipes to all these dishes and more can be found in the archives.

Also to be found within are 2 New Years posts about inventions id like to see in the coming year.

04/05's here
here
here
here
and here

05/06's didnt exist so make that one new years post but i didnt know that at the outset of this post and nor did i know what i was and am going to write, which is unfortunately how i do everything. the resolution for this year is to develop a memory. piece of pisscake. i do know that i have two ideas for inventions, neither of them patently absurd nor patented full stop. i offer them to the world and his cuntbusting ways, free of charge*

1. Im really embarrassed about this because i think it's a disgraceful thing to do but i was thinking, if i was an overly protective parent who didnt want my precious and wholly innocent kids cycling more than 500 metres from my house, I'd buy a bike that had an immobiliser that kicks in when it leaves a 500 metre radius from my house - no matter how expensive, impractical or shit it actually is. Peace of mind and safety for my little unprotectables is paramount. There are, after all, Paedophiles absolutely everywhere. How does the device work? Satellites and shit. Or just a crude mileage counter - either way, it shifts the bike into a gear that is impossible to pedal through until it is turned around and aimed back at the house. Disgraceful. Could sell millions.

2. Could this be worse? A tv set for kids bedrooms without remote control or switches. The entire thing is controlled from a front panel, like on a microwave (and wouldnt that make a good dual-purpose machine?), so that parents can regulate the amount of hours their children can watch tv, the channels and times of day and night too. I would hate my parents forever for this - which is rich considering i had a tv in my room from age 5 with no restrictions and I hate them anyway (it was black and white). Another thing that will be rich - the tv manufacturer that makes these.

3. SmellPods - finally something completely absurd. OR IS IT?!?! Think of it, millions of people walking through their polluted urban environments with a little ipod sized machine in their pockets and a pair of nosephones shoved snugly up their nostrils pumping out some of the top scents and whiffs of today. An essential cosmetic remedy to street smells and great when sat next to foreigners on the subway. Will inevitably spawn a craze for the public dispersal of personal playlisting, as pointless as the original craze with ipod playlist sharing which handily stood in for genuine self-expression from those proud consumers with brand loyalty/no souls. Don't tell me it can't be done. I don't want to hear it.

4. A Baby-Specialiser - for busy, focused modern couples living 'lifestyles' who'd like children but dont really have the time to be there and don't trust an au pair on the wages they're prepared to pay, it's probably best for all concerned that they have a little one that grows up a bit lame. Much easier to take care of since they don't travel far and grow up without a lot of the confidence and expectation that their more able-bodied and swift-minded contemporaries have of life, should they befriend any. This can be achieved through controlled psychological damage too but it's easier on the child if it knows its fucked from day one. It's also the only option now that slipping the paediatrician a tenner has become frowned upon by society's so-called moral majority.

5. Cars that dont go very fast. What's the speed limit where you live?** 70 miles an hour? 80 maybe? What does it say on your spedometer? 120? 140? 160 even (Dad?)? Not really that necessary then is it? It's a bit like buying blank cd's and promising not to copy music you should be paying for onto them. Except people get very killed. Which leads me neatly onto...

6. Bromide for the Latins. Im sorry but im just a bit tired of watching men from the mediterranean ponce about the place like they've got 6 bollocks and a strawberry-flavoured dick. Stop killing bulls, stop driving so fast, stop crying when your football team wins/loses, stop trying to hump anyone or anything in a skirt within a million-mile radius of your absurd sunglasses and spiky haircut, stop making shit-awful tv where women still arent trusted to helm a programme on their own but instead have to co-present variety shows with lecherous older men, dancing girls and blokes in 3rd rate fancy-dress costumes. A succession of your best film directors have been taking the piss out of you for 50 years or more and you just don't seem to have taken the lesson to heart, so please, drink this daily and calm the fuck down. You might even get a decent army together for the first time in your collective histories.***

*this is not legally binding of course. i will sue your arse should you make any money out of these. actually, forget your arse just on this one occasion. i'll sue your money.

**please dont answer if you're German

***I know technically i should apologise for this out-and-out racism so please accept my technical apology and va fanculo
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DS: this morning i went to pick up some milk when an old irish woman [in front of me]

*scumbag, chav, skanger, knacker etc
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